Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

The Trick Of Seeing Yourself As Others Do (sometimes).

It may not seem like such a big deal, but often we see ourselves as we believe others see us. Learning that does not equate with seeing ourselves the way others DO perceive us can be a real stepping stone to personal growth.

The way I'm handling the bad news isn't the best. Plus I'm sick again. Trying to recognize the warning signals but it's not easy for me. Just know running around to various doctors and such is very wearing.

Shawn finally agreed to send money to cover the car registration, but I'm certain he's going to take money out of the alimony settlement. But at least it can get road ready again. Trade it in for a Vespa? Or the downpayment on my very own livable RV? Don't want the invested money to go to waste.

The RV has become my weird dream. And I don't want to give up on it quite yet. But I'm exhausted and I'm not even certain this app works anymore.

Here goes nothing...

MotherF+++ing OW!

Okay. So I hurt and I'm stressed and if a needle filled with death was offered right now I'd accept it and "move on" quite happily.

Don't pretend to understand why I'm sick of all this and censure me or even try to 5150 me because I've just come from an hour and a half with a pain psych and she didn't think it necessary or even prudent.

But yeah, my pain levels and stress levels and nausea are through the roof no matter how much of a good mood I try to strive for.

Just call me butch disabled…

I'm feeling close to collapse, but the damned Prius Shawn left behind was not working. So guess what I did since I was utterly alone? That's correct! I jumped it all by myself. Granted I'm moving only my fingers currently. But the car works again. Still have no money to register it and each month just adds more to this vehicular nightmare. To look at this realistically, I mean.

How to help? Buy my Wii and everything it comes with. You can't have a more perfect present for your whole family with the variety of games, including the wonderful Wii Fit! That way everybody wins. I can pay to register the car Shawn dumped on me (now the cat has a great home, why not other stuff he dumped on me?) and the system he left can pay for the car, kind of.

It's nuts that I've only managed to not financially collapse due to the money that should have been my savings getting used up taking care of a lot of things that my ex just dumped on me. How can I still care for such a cruel and mean person? Well, I still love many who I could tar with the same brush. Though the person who tops my list isn't any of that - he's a gentleman.

On that note, I'm still proud that physical illnesses be damned, I singlehandedly successfully jumpstarted the Prius.

Somebody out front is making "scary" (to Ein) noises so I'm going to move more than merely my fingers and watch a bit of TV with my doggie Sweetlings and let tomorrow be a very whatever day and tonight can just be a list making night. For instance: The compost needs removal STAT. :-/

420 4:20 4/20 etc.

Today's sort of a celebration of the rights of at least the sick and disabled to use medical marijuana for things like nausea, inability to eat, pain, and more.

It works for me, even though I can't afford it - something that I'm struggling through whilst waiting for things to grow and change.

I'm not very thrilling, but if anybody wants to help me celebrate, I'm home for the day, relaxing on a day that my dogs want outside. Whine whine whine - that's all I'm hearing currently. Probably because the noise of Raul and his guest getting ready for their day and beyond in SF today. I'm jealous too, but my dogs don't hear me whining.

Any friends around that feel like chilling? I'm dealing with some severe pain and Addison's splash back - along with stabby tummy so I'm more of a passenger along for the ride.

What Is My Generation?

Re-watching an episode of "30 Rock" the mention of "Pokemoning" for a younger generation versus the more masculine "Great Escape" of the older generation got me thinking about what it feels like to not really have a real generation of my own.

The majority of my mature years were spent with a partner 13 years younger than me and, funnily enough, he was my Pokemon platypus. But only as a joke. Even Beanie Babies don't feel like mine even with that, and selling them in Harvard Square, and collecting my real (vs person) ones. They're all different generations.

We never called it anything other than poly or open or cheating or what have you. Or is my memory so shot I can't remember what it was we called our version of Hazel Wassername. Sociopath? Sure. But seriously. What did those of us in the 40-50 age bracket call the "Walk of Shame"/"Stride of Pride?"

I'm currently exhausted and this mind game isn't helping me cope with my stress induced insomnia. Sun is up. Time to sleep.

When Does The Pain Ease Up?

Seriously.

To say pain like this stems out of nowhere at this stage just means you don't care or you haven't been listening. Or both.

For a long time there's been a part of me that blames myself for the crappy behavior of people who come on like gangbusters and say how much they want to hang out with me only to never even get a freaking response no matter how communication takes place.

No more. You can't handle my disabilities? Fuck you. Fuck off for that matter. I'm depressed all the time? I bitch out loud about the pain levels? I cry too much? Rather than hide my situation I actually bring it up and discuss it? Not always, mind you. When it's particularly horrible or I'm scared or I just can't handle hitting rock bottom there's a part of you that doesn't really get it.

If you did? You would wrap me in your arms like I was your very own gift of amity. Friendship and love and care and compassion all wrapped up and in your arms.

That's truly where I feel like I am - heading toward rock bottom. Death would offer surcease and escape. I'd take the shot or pill or whatever painless method I could use that wouldn't hurt. Because of Diane and Rachel sometimes the Golden Gate Bridge seems like their paths I should follow. But it's too frightening.

What if I can't buy a house? There's HomePath and I'm uncertain about Oakland's CityLift program but HomePath mortgage doesn't have PMI. And there's hope for me, what with being below their poverty level income-wise. Yes, I'm reapplying for disability and I should have had a lawyer for my divorce but I'm trying to not let any of this destroy my health any more. The stress alone could trap me here for days. Walking to Gross Out, then over shopping, then having a very painful balancing act on the long walk home. Shin splints floating and lower lumber pain reminiscent of last years back destruction.

Ouch.

Now to read a bit more before bed. There's room in my life for people unafraid of the current downward spiral. I've been up and drama free before. It can happen again at the slightest change for the better. I'd like that.

Speaking To Noone, Of Course.

Spoiled myself after a difficult day with an episode of "Doctor Who" - 50th Anniversary kickoff went decently if a bit unclearly. But, yes, it's worth $1.99. I remember back when cable had a real stranglehold on the American populous. People everywhere, including me, would kvetch about how we should only have to pay for the cable channels we wanted to watch. Well, it's not there yet, but what with me only wanting a few things out there in the market, it's close enough for now. I don't have cable. I do have Netflix and I've purchased a few of my faves off Amazon so I don't have to wait for the DVDs.

I'm stuck in a bit of a turmoil. I'm selling as much of my collections as I can stand and that's a lot, currently. My numbered Neil Gaiman Rat or my BPAL Hellion with numbered matching holding statue. My velvet chaise longue. My wedding dress.

If you've a fetish let me fulfill it long distance but with negotiated fulfillment by me at my most dominant. Socks? Undies? Feet impressions for you to very carefully use as you desire?

LOL. It's April Fools somewhere as I type this. I'm very truly in need of money. It's not easy being sick and wishing that there was some way - ANY way - to earn money.

It's not fun and games not being capable of working. And when your new pain specialist keeps you kind of at the same place medicinally, though the pain levels are creeping up again and his first choice of fentynal is a no go because it's been proved to up my Addison's, it adds to stress levels.

Finding out the Oakland real estate market has changed dramatically in the past year and it's a sellers market again added a bit of worry. Buying a home of my own with the help of the city has become a dream I'd like to make come true. If I had a less expensive residence that would mean I'd need $500- less at this moment.

The best way to stop my pleas for people to buy everything I own (that isn't my camera gear) is to buy my stuff you appreciate. My art collections. My furniture. My electronics. Even my only music gear I've got left is almost up for sale. Everything Wii connected is ready to head out. Need a photographer for any sets you'd like to send out to adult sites? I'm your woman!

Need a short term manager? I'm great at helping setup difficult to organize schedules. I wonder if a disabled person can get at home work that will bring in enough income to cover the extra meds necessary to do the job in the first place.

Lots to think about. Raul's definitely trying his best to not be a machismo filled guy. William was a better caregiver but Raul feels like a better friend. He's even trying to help sort my stressors out, but I'm driving around in an unregistered car and still owe some rent so … well, there's hope for the future. Good fortune and all, to all.

Lemming Saturday (Get the joke, win a smile)

Called a 1-800 anti-suicide line only to receive one of the worst people in the world to be playing helpful hannah.

Right away her voice grated on me. She kept asking me questions like what's my name and how do I spell it. That's expected. Her calling me by an utterly different name? Not good to keep me from the desire to end this pain and nausea and all of it.

I told her she was doing a terrible job and hung up after she called me by a name I'd never been called even by accident before. I'm crying my eyes out, begging for help of any kind only to be utterly dissed by a crappy volunteer who, like Rimmer in "Red Dwarf", talked more people to death than helped save them if the way I feel is at all the norm after her.

Now I'm stuck in a really bad head space and it's beyond my head's capability to cope.

I can't cope with any of it and I feel like it's all beyond me. If you're reading this when I've written it, no need to worry about tonight or most of Sunday. I'm stuck for now just suffering. It's about all I can handle, but better to just hurt and hurt than to worry people.

People who mostly fade from your life when your pain levels get so high you can barely be friendly. Been watching "Frazier" and enjoying the train wrecks.

My last fish is dying. He swims with his body like so: ||| <-->

So no need to worry about me and if you don't have a Wii, I've got a great set that's just looking for a new home. Raul posted it on Craigslist w/o pictures yesterday. The games and Wii Fit hopefully will cause it to stand out.

Years of Tears caused Fears amid Leers at Seers

I'm watching "Doctor Who" and Raul's gone to his room. It's close to one am but time feels weird when you smoke in order to handle the pain and the levels aren't easy to handle all the time. I'm so in need of financial aid but I've got a fear that if I don't get approved now it might be too late for my alimony to get me my mortgage and loans and grants and gifts.

Who wants to lose everything to machines and the worrisome nightmare monsters in "Doctor Who?" It seems so meaningful when you see the top as well as the bottom. I've got a dream that love is possible. The lost in my past are creeping up to say hello. I'm watching The Pandorica episode. There must be love to bring geek love to to life. Ever after.

I'm at a point where I'm ready to sell almost everything I own.

First on the block is the Wii, and the Wii Fit, and all the Wii games and accessories for $200-. Buyer pays shipping or picks it up. PayPal via iPhone or cash.

Remember, everything you buy helps me pay for things like my pets care, food, car registration, and even my teeth and dentures! So please buy what I have to sell as it allows me to clear up space, pay for urgent needs, and keep my pride. I've art pieces and I can do head shots for reasonable rates and start selling what's in the storage locker.

Believe it or not, I definitely think buying a house is going to happen and that can change so much with plants in our gardens and maybe an extra bedroom for just them. My royal purple master bedroom and his maroon 2nd bedroom. The third we can paint green all pretty for the plants and thus the living room will be a lovely shared room.

"Why am I crying?" "Because you remember me..." "Doctor Who"

The love I have in me to share with the person who really gets me, well it roils up in my tummy even when my love is not sure of being returned. I've things that are autographed - maybe I could sell some of them in raffles?

How many people would pay $5/ticket for a used Wii with games and Wii Fit and accessories? If I could sell to 50 people that would make the raffle work. Can you have an asterisk leading to a "The raffle will only be valid if over 50 tickets are purchased?" Probably not.

Please Let This Work; Please Help Me Buy A Home

Today I took the Prius to have its three recall notices all taken care of at once. Drove myself the ten blocks are so to the very place Shawn picked it out from. Since he keeps having a go at me by insisting on his note every month that the car payment is coming out of my alimony. A situation opposite our long term verbal agreement that if he left me, I received our house and car. But the house took us both down and out and now there's this bs with the car payments.

While waiting I test drove a Scion XB and a Matrix and out of all three cars I liked the Matrix best. But it would only drop his payments by $100/month and extend it another couple of years. I told him if he made it happen I'd cover half the payments. Considering he took the car I wanted away and did this to gain his dream Prius it kind of would be cool of him to help me get the car I'd rather have.

We emailed one another quite civilly, about some of this. I know he wants rid of the payments and the car. With the trade in we lose very little in difference for what we owe versus what the blue book value is. Stuff to think about while my feet scream at me.

This week just keeps getting busier and more intense. First therapy appointment with (hopefully) my new therapist. Then the whole 2 1/2 hour - two evening certification process for gaining assistance in buying a home in Oakland. It's a scary big deal to me.

For the first time in a long long time, a pretty boy told me he found me attractive and I believed him. Nobody I know, but from what little I learned he's possibly drool worthy, though he's nine years my junior so I'm not even going to hope to get my hopes dashed. If I thought I'd have a chance I might have given him my number. Instead his closest and best friend is having me take pictures of his children and said he has to come as well. So maybe he will.

Actually, they both came across as really good cool guys with a ton of earned self confidence. Friends since nine, successful ex-business partners that earned them enough that this is a different type of store manager - I get what they're trying to do.

I'm bubbling like a high school girl but it's so difficult to make friends that the joy of meeting new, possibly really together guys. Meet the guy with kids wife maybe when we do picture playtime. It will feel so good to shoot my 30D again but I had better get everything out and polished and charged and so on. *GRIN*

There's a lot of serious stuff I'm uncertain of what to do about. Earning money when you can't work due to disabilities means that you literally on the mercy of the world around you. The people who make up our world are too often uncharitable and either they accuse people of malingering or make other mendacious attacks or they don't comprehend what it is to have a whole lot of nothing.

Now I have a lot of stuff, a few pieces of large framed art, a two room set of wooden furniture that's just lovely. A washer/dryer set that I hope I can move into where ever it is I next live, and a large tv that needs fixing, or I need to give up as a lost cause because it's a 41" Samsung that clicks incessantly rather than turn on. That's worth $150 for parts or for somebody else to fix on the cheap instead of one of my friends.

My bed is covered in papers and bills and notices and it all needs to get sorted and moved but I have to focus on my responsibilities that come faster due and ASAP.

This is to see if you bothered to read this, to see if you understand what I'm trying to share : The stress and everything means it is clearly close to steroid shot time if I don't want to worsen. Right? Right! What car do I want? The Matrix! Why? It handles better, has far more space, and it's not giving up too much in gas mileage. What house do I want? The one across the street! Not really. I've no knowledge at all about it. But I'd love to remain in this neighborhood.