Posterous theme by Cory Watilo
From yesterday:
Michael's out walking around the neighborhood. I need to take meds, feed dogs, and rest. Luckily I have many movies to watch, music to listen to, and books to peruse. Sick I may be, but I've a new roommate and the dogs on my feet and a lot of Sondheim I've not seen or heard yet. Pretty awesome for a person falling apart from pain and nausea.

Today, Wednesday, I'm having a severe panic attack. Over half an hour so I'm trying to figure out how to ease it. Tried hydrocodone and Ativan to stop the pain and panic smothering me so that I feel it's difficult to breathe or to even get up to request help.

Listening to "Sondheim on Sondheim" using a nice HP bar speaker since tonight my HP little speakers set is fantastic but is also having problems and since both it and my laptop are refurbished so which is the one skipping? In and out I mean. It means I have to call on the help line tomorrow. And I see my neurologist tomorrow. And I need to get a regular collar and a name tag made for Petal. It's too much. Everything is freaking me out.

I like Michael but I'm afraid of ... not him, but the situation is really upsetting. He's very sweet so far. He handled this morning's chores easily. And he may have fallen asleep as I tried using both the phone intercom and the walkie-talkies to fail both times to receive any response.

He was watching movies (he was viewing "Delicatessen" last I saw) and part of my panic attack stems from fear about bothering him even though we have spoken about things like that as in what is his job for rent exchange agreement. Ad says everything I need so we took that as a base and he understands (he says) that there are days of an hour total care and days that it's several hours. It's only my panic attack making all this so frightening and horrible.

Petal is weird and goes between friendly and neediness and wanting to flee. She sounds a lot like Purrbarella when she chitters and does half meows. I'm afraid I'm doing poorly as a cat trainer currently.

I've only had her since Saturday and Michael only arrived yesterday. Panic attacks induced by too much pain, nausea, change, additions and reminders of loss, and all of it caused me to have a 30mg booster set of hydrocortisone pills earlier.

Food? Probably necessary. Michael forgot about our discussion on how we should try to manage my stomach/meals. That's partly why I think he fell asleep as well. If I wasn't relapsing due to my body collapsing. I rescheduled my appointment with Candice for Friday. Two days things rescheduled to allow my body and mind time to have a break.

It seems I need to watch "Assassins" as Sondheim says it's the only piece of work he's done that he's never felt could be improved by him that he's done. Saw "A Little Night Music" and they took a lot out of it to make the filmic version. So much I want to see that done on stage as well as "Company" and even "Sunday In The Park..."

Whilst waiting for the anti-panic attack attempts to kick in I'm trying to appreciate listening to his soundtracks and reading Ellison. Ellison's collection is filled with angst and a feeling of futility that doesn't help. Though the brilliance of imagination does excuse my perusal even during this stage I'm in.

Need to give up tonight as a loss to pain overwhelming and hoping I can pull myself back together by tomorrow. Petal needs training, my room needs a few things handled by Michael as I don't have the strength. Petal has left little claw marks over my shoulder and chest. Little red marks that hurt and itch. She's learned about treats already so that aspect of training is ingrained. Visitors who want to go for a drive and/or feed me and/or help organize things are welcome as I could use company and affection and snuggles.