Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Self Pity Party

Made it through two or three boxes with James's help. I've had a lot of nausea keeping me from feeling capable of managing even something as simple as getting out of bed.

Depression has also seriously got me in its grip. It's adding to the difficulty in finding any reason to get out of bed when there's no end to the pain and nausea.

Watching a terribly banal show, "Weird, True, & Freaky" from Animal Planet on Amazon Prime. Why watch it? Because it has interesting statistics and I'm really sort of numb. Going through boxes full of Shawn's papers and pictures and things from his family and our marriage just took more out of an already worn out psyche.

To say I feel a desperate need for protection and somebody to just hold me so I can feel safe is an understatement. Love doesn't really enter into this feeling. I suppose love would make it complete but security doesn't need love. Especially as love hasn't really brought me security.

Feeling relieved TAM not happening or hovering over me now. Medical issues make it fine I'm not going. Okay. I've cried enough (totally quietly) and I feel ready to lay here watching banality with no more thinking.

Red Rover, Red Rover, Send A Friend To Come Over

I would really appreciate a friend or two coming over tonight to help me go through my closet and maybe play dress up - male or female - in front of a camera.

We can play a video game or watch a guilty secret program on the Wii or PS3 or even cuddle in my bed watching something on my 360. The Wii technically belongs to Shawn but it's one of the items I tried to get him to take but he refused. So yet another electronic item from an office stuck full of them that he dumped on me and I don't know what works and what is garbage.

Oh well. I'll dress up all lipstick pretty for any friend with time to share. I'd love the company.

If any friends have the time it could be fun figuring out what is donate-worthy vs sales for Etsy vintage vs recyclable vs just pure shreddable vs just garbage. Maybe, at least. There's also my PBS special DVDs I'd love to watch with certain belovèd friends. Could be fun and enjoyable dressing up, organizing my closet, and watching Shakespeare. T'would be happy.

Bad Health Days/Nights

Woke up to a coughing fit so shredding and rough that I nearly had a severe bout of incontinence. It hurts so bad, my chest I mean, is screaming at me. Full of shards of phlegm. Sharp and rough and hurting from front and back.

It's pretty frightening to wake up like that and it's hard to go back to sleep after such a wakeup. All the pain and frightening feelings makes it too difficult.

Nobody wants to pee in bed, no matter whether it's incontinence that's from painful choking waking up caused by an unknown or just a general problem. It's humiliating, for one thing. But more than the humiliation there's the underlying stress from the illness causing the choking and ripped up feeling.

I'm trying to chill now and get myself calm enough to sleep. Difficult as all get out. But necessary.

It's Never As You Think

Second time throwing up this week and having mini-blackouts adds to my feeling that the isolation I'm currently in the midst of isn't so bad after all.

I couldn't handle going to Diane's memorial for several reasons. Same with not confronting Melissa. Same with Tracy's unbelievably hurtful remark. It kind of lends it all to making me wish heartily I'd taken Chip's offer and used TAM funds for a different cause.

Throwing up, blacking out to a point where I only wake up after cold Glucerna pours out on me, stress levels through the roof from serious and not created major trauma events, and it all looks like a continuous adrenal crisis. The shot helped a bit, but obviously not enough.

To merely write that I yearn for somebody to swoop into my life and take care of me with love, compassion, and a sense of humor both intelligent and giggle-inducing barely touches on the strong sense of need I'm feeling. A caregiver is one thing; a partner and muse and protector is another.

Protector. Yeah, I'd appreciate somebody like that in my life. Maybe with children already? Could I make a good stepmom? I like to think so. But when days like today occur I need more protection than would allow me to be a good protector myself.

My pain levels jumped from six to nine today. Tears streaming down my face from my upper back and my right arm. It's incredibly hurtful.

Thus today made a perfect example of how the love of my sweetlings keeps me going. Their need of me helps incredibly. Lolita with her eye and hair loss, Ein with her nervousness of unknown bangs, Femme Pois with her back now clearing up due to our home treatments, and Petal with her need for discipline and training while surrounded by love.

Finished "Prison Wives" and started "Heavy". I'm wondering if they'll deal with any medication based weight gain or if it will all be eating disorder centric.

Selling my HP Tablet with all it's accessories in order to put that all toward a slightly upgraded iPad. Surprised myself with the decision, but my electronics use has me wanting a tablet that works with my iPhone and my PowerBook. So hopefully somebody will see my Amazon combo sale. Though maybe a straight Buy it now on eBay will work better?

Which reminds me that I had a very severe and realistic nightmare starring my mother. I woke up feeling as if we'd really been together and the sound of her voice and look of .. I don't know what ... on her face as she came towards me just either stemmed from my stress levels or added. I don't know. Just bad bad bad. And the arm and shoulder are screaming at me so no more typing for a while. Ow ow ow.

Celebrating Changes Even When I'm Hurtin'

(download)

James changed his mind about moving back to Ohio and we decided to compromise on the only issue we've had: We will do my weekly pill setup together.

So tonight we baked a quiche and a pumpkin pie and made some vegan s'mores type things. The crust was the only pre-made part of anything tonight. The quiche: Baby Bella mushrooms, red onion, yellow squash, very good sherry, shredded pizza cheese, and sliced herb Brie putting a great flavor together. The pumpkin pie: Nutella, Bailey's, and lots of baking spices brought it excellently to perfection.

Soaked the stale vegan marshmallows in the pumpkin pie "sauce" and put them in cupcake cups with some chocolate chips and baked 'em for five minutes. Damn! They turned out like something I've never eaten before. So good. Since the vegan marshmallows cost so much I'm glad I found a tasty way of making them beyond merely edible.