Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Why Does Nothing Seeming Good Last?

James really and truly fucked up doing my medications for the week. He's now told me at 2am that he can't and won't handle this listed chore after telling me repeatedly he had a license in OH for dispensing pills.

Now I've got to try and do it myself at 2am and now I've got to seriously re-think whether or not this will work. I hate for this to be a deal breaker when I like him personally so very much. But it is listed as a necessary chore, Will managed it for nine months with no pill dispensing license, there's a printout for him to follow, and more that just makes it a serious problem.

I've got to do these pills now and I'm ready to have a nervous breakdown I've been holding off ever since Diane jumped and Will left and, fuck it, honestly since Shawn stopped talking to me. I'm holding in a huge amount of collapse that my back falling apart, my weight jumping to double, my teeth turning black, and so forth just has me ready to follow Diane. I won't. I can't do it that way. No lie but I'm not brave enough. Not even close.

I'm ready to scream but there's nowhere to safely do so. I'm about at the end of my tether. I'm so fucking wrecked and I push it down so nobody can see - this is my only outlet.

Yes I have two others I can respond to that are legitimate. But dammit. This sucks and I need some kind of help coping with it and my therapist doesn't have half the tools necessary that might help.

Screaming "HELP" in my journal is like a fly in a spiders web. Completely unheard by any and all.

Recent Things...

I'm at home, watching "The Singing Detective" starring Michael Gambon and starting from the very beginning all over because I've forgotten so much. And a gift like this from my Mom needs appreciating. No sarcasm.

James so far is working out great. Yup. Hopefully things will continue in such a pleasant way. He's a clean-a-holic and PT's already noticed and noted positively the change we've started to manifest.

Spoke with Dad about pet health troubles and a quick talk with my half-sister by adoption was a pleasant surprise. So much to think about...

I'm Not Holding Up So Well Tonight

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I can't get Diane and her jump out of my head. Not now. Alone in my room but for the Sweetlings I'm just stuck sort of mourning and crying and angry and depressed and even sometimes almost jealous.

It hurts and I can't imagine how much Melissa hurts right now. I can sort of get a grip on it because of Lana and what Barrett did, because the best friend for over fifteen years and on-again-off-again lover status encapsulates both though only one was a vicious "Oh yeah? Well take that!" and the other almost apologetic.

But both were due to chemical brain depressive states. And both left behind some very traumatized people and goddammit there wasn't anything we could have said that would have stopped her. I offered her a home and said we could figure out the cats and so did Melissa. It makes me want to slap her.

It's hard as well because I'm very angry at the thefts and now it has to be pushed to the side. I purchased a travel size medication safe that arrived today and it shows how upset I am that I'd do so after all this time. But it's really obvious and I just can't risk it getting even worse. It's just adding to my stress levels which causes me to become more ill and I just need to let it go, at least for now.

I don't know when the funeral will happen. I'm sort of hoping Tracy and Jerry can take me since they met her during one of her visits with Melissa bringing me the dogs when I was in hospital. But I don't know how to even begin to broach it when I don't know when or where it will be. My chest hurts. Of course.

James and I had an adventure filled day that included me doing more than I should. Of course. But we made it to Baskin-Robbins though I never did have a bowl of my mint chocolate chip ice cream after my decaf mocha coffeelatto or whatever it was.

We also started a new salad Aerogarden tonight together. Tomorrow we will do the other two - clean up and fix what we can and replace what we can't. Also setting up my new chair I caved in and paid for to assist me in my core exercises for PT back work. He's also said he's very much looking forward to aiding me in the sorting and selling of what can be sorted, sold, donated or trashed. I hope he means it because everybody _says_ they wanna. But here we are and I'm still hoping.

I guess Sunday, today, will maybe show how much it's real and not just wishful thinking. Should I sell the rocker-recliner? I'd like not to. But why hang on to it? In storage it's just a haven for insects and mice. Or maybe even squirrels. I don't know. It's like the washer and dryer. I'm not getting what they're worth and if I'm lucky enough to get disability and even back "pay" I'd love to put it toward a small house and replacing an $1800 set for a mere song isn't bloody likely. But that thinking brings me full circle back to Diane.

And my cheat begins to hurt again. I feel incredibly sick and miserable. Of course.

RIP - R.I.P.

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Another one over the bridge...

Shock to the system...

A positive thing? New live-in caregiver moving in Noon tomorrow. James replacing Will. And Carl came all the way to visit me.

But there's so much bad stuff...so many bad things. Losses are rough. Please bring me Baskin-Robbins mint chocolate chip ice cream ASAP? Pretty please?

What Am I Supposed To Do?

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Just received over $9000- in medical bills. What does a person with no income and no way of earning income do? People may think I'm extravagant, spending $22- on slippers or $15- on "Hamlet" but it's a drop in the bucket to my real expenses that keep me beyond poor. There's a reason I've had social workers trying to help me get aid. My alimony isn't a drop in my medical expenses bucket.

This Caused a Shouted LOL...

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You can't tell but I even startled all the pets.

These photos I just spoke of I took right now. That's a lonely me.

And lonely puppies.

With one surprising and (for me) hysterical directed by page of "Columbo".

The dresses make me drool. My body, even now, would look great in a lot of the casual 70s wear. Lots of dresses to mid-calf with at least 3/4 sleeves. Dreamy.

I'd love visitors. And I'm definitely on the look out for either a replacement for Will (who is my friend, in a strange way) or a paying roommate. Mid-May thru June 1st move-in.

A student CNA or RN would be a great Will replacement - they don't worry about rent or utilities and get to practice their future trade. Plus I'm hoping to get IHSS approval. Social services came this morning and he wants to give me as much help as he can. He even called my case worker. My disability case is pending. Fingers crossed. And hoping hoping hoping...

Anybody want to drive me in my Prius to Las Vegas in July for TAM? You don't have to be attending. You can just want to run away with me for the time... ;-)