Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Who Knew?

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I'm sharing some quick Hipstamatic shots of my new Hedgehog slippers I purchased for myself from Amazon and sharing my surprisingly attractive pressure hose I need to wear during the day, before bedtime calls for my getting out of day clothes and the stockings need to come off.

Hearing yells from all around the building tonight. To not allow the dementia based shouts to overwhelm is difficult. My mind will keep from letting it depress by having me read and watch DVDs tonight, and every night so far.

When I admit I want somebody to sweep into my life and desire nothing more than to protect and care for me, I'm admitting something I feel shameful about.

Suffering from myoclonus this evening to an uncomfortable extent. My thumb in particular is twitching over and over. I've asked for an Ativan to help but there's a step missing so the delay grows longer.

Two nursing students have taken me under their wings in particular. They're both young and attractive and very sweet. One interviewed me for her class this evening and the other has taken to being the one to bring my food tray in and seeing what he can locate for me and he kept checking in during her interview.

One of the Ethiopian RNs brought me injera and veggies from her church tonight so my inability to eat got put to the side as I made a dent in the yummy surprise. Luckily she knew to not bring me too much so there wasn't much wasted.

And today I did so much work with PT that I asked for and received an extra steroid dose to help my body cope with the stress.

Emotional Day

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There's a part of me that asks "Why do people share with me?" Today for instance I heard from one RN how his wife of 37 years died two years ago, his eyes bright with tears as he spoke of his love. Then just now the assistant RN told me of her murdered 25 year old daughter, the one year anniversary of her killing by her boyfriend of seven years in front of her two grandsons coming up this month. Of how she's trying desperately to gain at least part custody and how difficult it is with a public attorney.

Both of them telling me these things as I go in and out of wakefulness due probably to my lowering blood pressure. Why do people trust in me to share these personal slivers of pain? Both Philippine? There's definitely an affinity between me and their culture. But perhaps that's a truth buried in the fact that the Thai dietician cooked at home for me some delicious (though too spicy) tofu and basil with rice and two Ethiopian RN assistants have said they will bring me some injera and veggies from home.

The flowers from my Philippine roommate at Alta Bates are slowly drying after all this time but they bring me a reminder of my promise which I look forward to fulfilling of a day where we play dress up with my wigs. And perhaps that's the answer, in a way? My attempts at cheerfulness in the midst of a physical misery and this ongoing multiple trauma perhaps helps people feel that I can share in their pain. Can understand it better than maybe others can understand.

But for now it's only guessing as I think of how many hands I've held in recent memory as I allow them to share their pain without judgment and with a real caring of their own traumas.

I can honestly say that I wish with all my heart that one of the people in my life would sweep me up and take me into their home and life so I could be cared for while I heal to the best of my ability. If I can heal. Getting an automatic blood pressure cuff is on my wishlist.

Getting financial charity so I could stay in this SNF as long as I need instead of when my insurance runs out would be nice but I have no clue how one successfully gets donations for things like real help when needed. I've read stories of successful cries for help that aren't even anything more than for a computer for a blogger or a boob job for a cute Asian chick. How does one get the aid that can help a person gain the help they need to heal? I just don't know.

And with that I'll end this and go back to reading my $1.99 book, "The Best Essays of 2011" - there's already been so much I can connect with. Later on I'll distract myself from my nausea and pain by watching "Lynch" and the second DVD of the Tim Burton version of "Sweeney Todd" in the hope of seeing a documentary worth my time.

"Black Books" ends in an oddly sad manner in my mind. I just hope I don't keep falling asleep due to this blood pressure issue and that even though I'm being picked on by Disability that somehow I'll still make it through successfully. The Social Services guy said that it's not my imagination. It appears to outsiders that I'm being picked on unfairly and not just to those who have seen my lack of luck in my health and life.

But my friends still love me and I need to focus on that and not the bad truths overwhelming me. The flowers from friends and from a local nature group help cheer me up and I can say this is how I can cheat and look better in a self portrait than in real life.

So many pictures, so many visitors!

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This is a HUGE photo post as Will started my morning by carefully getting things from my request list together to bring me, though I've no photos of him here. Then Tracy & Jerry drove from Vallejo to visit with requested juices and sodas and roses in a planter for lasting flowers (hopefully) in hand. Suddenly a surprise visit from Melissa and Diane was made even better by their bringing my two darlings (along with Melissa's) to me and by FP's paw on my hand and Ein's close contact as well just how mutual our unconditional love remains.

I'm horribly sick and in pain but their visits helped to bring some of my innate cheerfulness back. Plus Chip's call from Vermont didn't hurt, but alone it could only combat my massive depression so much. The combination of all their shared caring and love helped me recall other friend's love and generosity - the chronic pain and sickness and my worsening condition has really given me an emotional beating and the SNF I'm in isn't helping but is in fact currently hurting.

But these pictures are worth posting as they can help remind me of todays affection.

Formatting Stays? Trial Run!

SF bay area craigslist > east bay > housing > rooms & shares

$750 Caregiver Needed in Exchange for Rent & Utilities (oakland piedmont / montclair) (map)


Date: 2011-08-28, 6:16PM PDT
Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here

Hi there! Please read this ad very carefully because I'm learning most people don't.
This is a good situation for the right person. I'm a 42-year-old woman with a permanent disability who has Fibromyalgia, Addison's Disease, and other assorted health issues which allows me little ease.

Currently looking for a live-in caregiver to take over my light care and the light care of our shared apartment. Preferably a person who can move in within a short time period, though the exact date is negotiable. My last long-term had been assisting and living with me since my ex-husband and I separated permanently over two years ago. I tried another friend but our lifestyles were too divergent, so we parted.

After study and research I've come to believe I need to find somebody who loves loves loves dogs and is either a vegetarian or plays one at home with no regrets for missed home-cooked bacon. ;-)

I would prefer somebody who loves media of all types, loves animals, and doesn't mind living in a lacto-ovo vegetarian household (though what anybody eats outside of the house matters little to me). The bedroom available is square footage sized similarly to my bedroom and has room for a bed and a desk as well as bookshelves (in other words it is quite spacious, as is the common area) - both of which are already available in the storage space. The storage space behind the apartment is included as it is paid for by me so you can use what space there is if you need to.

The care of me is not onerous. I need assistance scheduling and handling doctors and their appointments, running errands, doing shopping, and light cooking (I normally do not eat very much). Going with me to the doctors and assisting me in getting around with my rollator is another aspect. I have a Prius for transportation when I'm capable, and if you have a license that's great! I don't mind sharing driving duties on my bad days and if you can drive that should eradicate my need for Paratransit help.

Having your own life is very important, I know, so this is basically part-time every day, with days off as needed and planned for. I have good days where I can even drive, and I have bad days where I can barely get out of bed. If you are friendly and can consider becoming my friend, that would assist me in knowing to choose you out of any others.

As far as pay in concerned, currently it is only rent and utilities, however I would like to start the process of attempting to get state assistance in caregiver pay for proper caregiver assistance so if things work out there may be pay in the future.

I have one friendly cat (that I'm allergic to) and two small dogs that need walking. Housing is a two-bed, one-bath apartment in the Piedmont area of Oakland. It is quite lovely and there is a stream down the street, as well as a large park within a few blocks.

BART is also quite close, as is a Whole Foods, Safeway, Walgreens, and even a USPS. Very central while still remaining quiet and peaceful. If you see yourself taking care of somebody who needs peace & quiet & as little drama as possible please get in touch. There is a parking space for my car for ease of traveling and storage access included.

I recognize that my new assistant should probably be a dog lover at minimum - with a small one of their own if needs must. Walking dogs should be a treat, or at least a chore you find enjoyable. If you have a small one of your own it will make for a tight squeeze, but if all pets get along it will be okay.

To make life easier I think a vegetarian might be happier in the situation since all cookware, silverware, and plates have never been touched by meat and I keep the house veggie. Part of the problem is I have a very high scent sensitivity and meat/fish can cause completely debilitating nausea.

Somebody who either has lived with somebody who was as sick. more or less, as myself or who has experience caring for people with semi-debilitating illnesses.

Once again: Rent & utilities in exchange for care and assistance. The room is pretty and fairly good-sized and the neighborhood is central and quiet.

The things to do? A list of what I need in an assistant/helper:
  1. Schedule doctor appointments
  2. Run errands such as food shopping, the medicinal dispensary, and such necessities as come up
  3. Make certain I eat at least two times a day. Cook for me (very easy due to my light diet), make sure I have plenty of water, and keep track of my eating
  4. Make certain I take my medications and make sure that my patches are handled properly.
  5. Wash the pets around every six weeks, they're used to it, and don't scratch.
  6. Keep track of my medications. Drop off and pick up prescriptions. Fill medication pill box once a week.
  7. Take me to doctor appointments. Help keep track of doctor visits, questions, med changes, etc.
  8. Help keep apartment clean.
  9. Do laundry bi-weekly
  10. Keep track of my pain levels.
  11. Scoop dirty cat litter daily
  12. Take out garbage & recycling as needed.
  13. Walk the dogs around three times a day and feed them twice a day.

Croxton Avenue at Richmond Blvd (google map) (yahoo map)
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Sent from my iPhone

This is pretty damn clear

I'm in too much pain to go through and do spacing but it's still concise and I'm proud of this ad. If I need to post it again at least I'll have only a few things to add and very little editing to do.
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SF bay area craigslist > east bay > housing > rooms & shares $750 Caregiver Needed in Exchange for Rent & Utilities (oakland piedmont / montclair) (map) Date: 2011-08-28, 6:16PM PDT Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here

Hi there! Please read this ad very carefully because I'm learning most people don't. This is a good situation for the right person. I'm a 42-year-old woman with a permanent disability who has Fibromyalgia, Addison's Disease, and other assorted health issues which allows me little ease. Currently looking for a live-in caregiver to take over my light care and the light care of our shared apartment. Preferably a person who can move in within a short time period, though the exact date is negotiable. My last long-term had been assisting and living with me since my ex-husband and I separated permanently over two years ago. I tried another friend but our lifestyles were too divergent, so we parted. After study and research I've come to believe I need to find somebody who loves loves loves dogs and is either a vegetarian or plays one at home with no regrets for missed home-cooked bacon. ;-) I would prefer somebody who loves media of all types, loves animals, and doesn't mind living in a lacto-ovo vegetarian household (though what anybody eats outside of the house matters little to me). The bedroom available is square footage sized similarly to my bedroom and has room for a bed and a desk as well as bookshelves (in other words it is quite spacious, as is the common area) - both of which are already available in the storage space. The storage space behind the apartment is included as it is paid for by me so you can use what space there is if you need to. The care of me is not onerous. I need assistance scheduling and handling doctors and their appointments, running errands, doing shopping, and light cooking (I normally do not eat very much). Going with me to the doctors and assisting me in getting around with my rollator is another aspect. I have a Prius for transportation when I'm capable, and if you have a license that's great! I don't mind sharing driving duties on my bad days and if you can drive that should eradicate my need for Paratransit help. Having your own life is very important, I know, so this is basically part-time every day, with days off as needed and planned for. I have good days where I can even drive, and I have bad days where I can barely get out of bed. If you are friendly and can consider becoming my friend, that would assist me in knowing to choose you out of any others. As far as pay in concerned, currently it is only rent and utilities, however I would like to start the process of attempting to get state assistance in caregiver pay for proper caregiver assistance so if things work out there may be pay in the future. I have one friendly cat (that I'm allergic to) and two small dogs that need walking. Housing is a two-bed, one-bath apartment in the Piedmont area of Oakland. It is quite lovely and there is a stream down the street, as well as a large park within a few blocks. BART is also quite close, as is a Whole Foods, Safeway, Walgreens, and even a USPS. Very central while still remaining quiet and peaceful. If you see yourself taking care of somebody who needs peace & quiet & as little drama as possible please get in touch. There is a parking space for my car for ease of traveling and storage access included. I recognize that my new assistant should probably be a dog lover at minimum - with a small one of their own if needs must. Walking dogs should be a treat, or at least a chore you find enjoyable. If you have a small one of your own it will make for a tight squeeze, but if all pets get along it will be okay. To make life easier I think a vegetarian might be happier in the situation since all cookware, silverware, and plates have never been touched by meat and I keep the house veggie. Part of the problem is I have a very high scent sensitivity and meat/fish can cause completely debilitating nausea. Somebody who either has lived with somebody who was as sick. more or less, as myself or who has experience caring for people with semi-debilitating illnesses. Once again: Rent & utilities in exchange for care and assistance. The room is pretty and fairly good-sized and the neighborhood is central and quiet. The things to do? A list of what I need in an assistant/helper: Schedule doctor appointments Run errands such as food shopping, the medicinal dispensary, and such necessities as come up Make certain I eat at least two times a day. Cook for me (very easy due to my light diet), make sure I have plenty of water, and keep track of my eating Make certain I take my medications and make sure that my patches are handled properly. Wash the pets around every six weeks, they're used to it, and don't scratch. Keep track of my medications. Drop off and pick up prescriptions. Fill medication pill box once a week. Take me to doctor appointments. Help keep track of doctor visits, questions, med changes, etc. Help keep apartment clean. Do laundry bi-weekly Keep track of my pain levels. Scoop dirty cat litter daily Take out garbage & recycling as needed. Walk the dogs around three times a day and feed them twice a day. Croxton Avenue at Richmond Blvd (google map) (yahoo map) it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

It's Just Too Much

So much to write about but I won't. Not much, anyway. I'm more hopeless and depressed than in ages. This week alone has me at the end of my capabilities. I'm ready to give up fully. My depression is not only horrible, but everything (well, almost everything) has conspired to push it further along.

Most of the afternoon, evening and tonight has seen me crying, sometimes even silently sobbing. I want out. And a confrontation I don't want has to occur at some near point and now there may be another one...

ER Again Most Probably & Things I Ought To Keep Hidden, Perhaps.

The pain's ridiculously high on the one to ten scale. A nine to ten pretty consistently. Will has said if it keeps up he's taking me to ER because this is bad. As in very bad.

I've tried to contact my ex about various important items like taxes since we were married almost half of last year, and car insurance updates, and his cat, Lolita, Princess of Goth - does he want her as she seems to be missing him a lot, and so forth and I've yet to receive even one message in return.

If he's queer now I don't care. If he's still lying to others and himself about the "emotional blackmail" stuff I do care. It's amazing how phrases like that can trigger internal lies. I was told that by the suicide hotline guy my ex had been crying to when I returned to our home in Lower Haight. But I thought we worked past that together.

The irony is that he has twisted so many things (like our jointly agreed on purchases) that nobody, not even me - his best friend for about a decade - can tell what he has tricked himself and his new world since his emphatic break while I was dealing with physical collapse into believing. I only know it most likely doesn't mesh with reality. The people who saw us together at the end, who lived with us or spent large swathes of time with us, they've a very different viewpoint than those who merely heard one side or the other.

That hurts on another level. It's funny, but doctors who saw the situation from the time of our return to the Bay Area have variously said that he's a bastard or similar terms without very much from me other than "Nope, still no news and no responses." Their feelings, and others, effectively say the old adage that I'm better off without a person like him in my life. I'm not talking about my therapist here. I'm not going to say which of my doctors have said such things, though as in "A Scanner Darkly" there's not too many to choose from.

It would be easier if he hadn't started lying to himself. Well, easier for me because I might still have my best friend. But I'm thinking about him and all this because the pain's ridiculous and I'm trying to distract myself. I am off to play a game or two so I can try to not think about both my physical and my emotional pain. Both at high levels.

Aargh! and Ow!