Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

The Things We Do For Love

"Like walking in the rain and the snow when there's nowhere to go and you feel like a part of you is dyin'..."

That's a song echoing through my head right now even though I'm trying to distract my mind from it. Makes me think of Aba, Carl, Erica, and a few others I've no need to mention.

I'm taking a break from eating because my IBS is attacking in full force right now. Why can't I have super smart worms inhabiting my body?

Melissa called me tonight and we had a nice long discussion. I just used a batch of the warmed disposable cloths and changed my hospital togs to fresh ones so after that and my PTR where I ended up doing a smaller amount of stairs and my talk with my therapist and then with my chaplain (yes, atheists can discuss things with chaplains quite happily if they're the type who have no prejudice regarding faiths or not as the case may be) and basically I had a very full day and evening and I want to go home but tomorrow is (was) wishful thinking.

I want to go home but I'm not going to push myself or else I'll end up back here far sooner than I want. I'm hurting as it is.

"Clue" playing on my background laptop to keep me company. I've got some chocolate pudding waiting for me and I luckily had Will bring my reading glasses so I can see whilst typing this. Not always very easy for me. I'm feeling incredibly tired.

"The 'Lounge'!" and then gunfire. I'd move back to Long Beach (I think) if I could. Okay. Pudding and "Clue" time. More later.

What Can Make Me Smile?

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My dogs (and my cats, but they're not welcome as therapy animals) and my friends can make me break out of this total depression for at least a short while.

I'm posting where to send cards on my Facebook and LJ pages behind their "walls". Also, local friends are incredibly welcome to come visit and perhaps watch a movie with me - the bed is very very small, but I have two chairs AND a wheelchair in my room for hanging out easability. I think I just made a new word up.

Very large sweaters are welcome as lender items...I don't want anybody to buy me anything for my birthday or my hospital stay. BUT I don't mind borrowing things that are comfy and will help me feel cuddled and warm and safe whilst at this PTR.

The pictures are from Melissa's visit with my sweetlings yesterday (Thursday). The pain in my tummy and in my back are both pretty high in the scale. I had a very odd talk with the resident doctor about one hour ago...but that's more behind walls stuff.

What Is Wrong?

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Melissa just stopped by with Femme Pois and Zweite Ein for a little visit and other than the sometimes excruciating pain, it went a little way toward cheering me up. Of course at night, or maybe 24-7, loneliness hits back incredibly hard so that it aches to be in this hospital bed with a machine massaging my calves to help prevm

I Can't Take Much More Of This

I _JUST_ found out that I'm not able to get to go to PT Rehab today, after all and once again. To call this devastating actually seems a bit of an understatement. It's not merely the pain. It's not merely the isolation. There are so many layers and levels as to why this has me mentally curved into a foetus position though I can't physically do so. Or I would.

This keeps happening and I'm so in need of my babies right now. Having all of these illnesses rolling on top of one another and not having the love and care to help sustain me at times like these just seems to make it feel even worse.

The red rash on the inside crease of my elbow appears to have been a fungal infection of the candida variety. At least it got caught in time so that though I've a few "dents" in my skin, most of it has cleared up. That's not shockingly upsetting since it's merely more physical evidence of how sick my body is as a whole.

There's a million things more but I'm far too sick to try and continue. Suffice to say that if you know me and know how and where to find me, please do. I'm in deep need of help. Emotional especially. My teeth are about to fall out of my head and I can barely handle sitting up and I seriously keep thinking I've reached the end of my proverbial rope only to find out that there's a little bit further I can fall.

About to overtly beg for visitors but there's very little reason to. Off to try for exhausted or maybe exhausting distraction. Need to call home and ask Will to bring a few things anyway...