Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

This is what some would consider bad...

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Walking the dog around the block after going into the storage space to get my other walker. One for the car and one for walking around the neighborhood. Worse than trying to wrangle a bike.

Anyway, the photo speaks for my condition. (I still have my sense of humor, after writing that sentence "Tradition! Tradition!" from "Fiddler On The Roof" echoed perfectly). This is me after much cold water and the washcloth is now warm enough to use for heating things.

Actually the photos just look like I'm fat and I'm flushed and maybe my hair is thinning (it's not, it's just plastered to my scalp by sweat, which is actually an even less attractive thought image).

Which reminds me, I discovered "Portlandia" last night and it's on Netflix streaming so if you do watch it definitely start at the beginning because even though it's sort of a sketch comedy type thing, it's a lot like the "Kids In The Hall" "Touch Paul Bellini" or however he spells his name. It's not necessary that you know he was the only other writer on the show, and the only one who didn't perform unless he was ... well, silent and naked but for a lone white towel held up by one hand on one side most of the time.

My heart has stopped doing a weird skip and hop thing and the retching seems to have abated. Dogs aren't going around the block again today. The front lawn will have to suffice. Three hours of sleep after my body already wanted to collapse isn't helping either.

Sigh. On the plus side I've a TON of things to play with or create with or even just read or watch. Yay for media! I've even got my Tascam DR-08 to sing to if I get in the mood to sing. I miss playing with people. Maybe I should take a page from Kurt's book and croon quietly into it and see what comes. Of course all this is later - you know, after my body stops considering painful attacks the best way to communicate with my mind.

Wheeee...

Have A VERY Loving and Happy 2012

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I'm sleeping on-and-off. The best thing about 2012 is waking up in a cramped position since I have all four pets sleeping on my feet or where my feet should go and electronics entertaining me out of my concern both for my health and my safety - which brings me to the bad thing which is having a person who I consider a bit of an artist in lying staying in my second bedroom until Will can return, but oh man if I knew ANYBODY who could be the reason I need the room.

I _detest_ people staying out of the alleged kindness, especially when I have every reason to believe it's merely a self-serving lie. When I cry out for help it puzzles me the things people think and say and even do that adds to my concern that I'm utterly alone now. On a journey that's fairly solitude-inducing anyhow, it is much more embarrassing and frightening and so forth than people who haven't gone through similar or worse seem to be able to empathetically comprehend.

Rather than continue on like this I would rather no Tom; so I won't have help in an emergency but then his freak out last night completely let me down. Yes, he did beg (I'm not exaggerating) for me to let him stay and he gave me the shot after effectively forcing me to do every single step as I was shaking and retching with myoclonus shakes up to putting the filled needle in his hands. Then I had to clean up the needle for him immediately following the shot. Only then could I lay back down.

Once he comes in to ask I'm telling him I still want him to go ASAP since I would rather continue to the brink of disaster by myself than have him stay any longer. He is another psycho. I don't know if it's my sickness or what, but I'm having a much more difficult time figuring out who is a good con-artist and who is genuine. Definitely made a mistake. I should count myself lucky that each of them only fooled me for a short time so their damage has been real, but (knock on wood) minimal enough that I can rebound after a few weeks at the longest.

Besides Tom's behavior, the worst for me about this holiday season has been the recognition that Shawn has cut me out of his life do completely that if he didn't pay the alimony I would believe he considers me not only no longer in his life even as a friend, but as a dead person no longer to enter his thoughts.

Yes, I know. It's been a while since he left. But I love(d) him and his cutting me so completely out hurts me during this season because it throws into sharp relief all the worst aspects of his behavior toward me, especially the beginning and end of our relationship. Erica has said she thinks he devolved mentally and emotionally back to his teenage years. And I can't argue that point with real belief for the opposing view.

Here comes my yogurt and pill. I've a lot to consider...look at the happy pets, they're much more wonderful to focus on...2012 - if only the 2012 apocalypse types have - even by accident - picked the correct year. It may suck but world destruction (as Lydon and Bambaata sang in the late 80s) is coming. At some very far off point probably. Let SoCal fall off and NorCal and the South East fall in and water cover the North East - and I'm only talking about he USA. According to the believers in apocalyptic ends the whole world will have such things plus the tidal waves and so on.

Start on cute and fluffy loving pets and switch to apocalypses. I'm drained and thoroughly. Have a wonderful and safe and loving 2012 and beyond. And if you can? Help? :-/ (Sigh)

Pictures of Me, Precious Petal, & Zweite Ein

A night full of retching and night sweats with alternating bits of cold sweats. Yes, it feels absolutely horrible, but I've my sweetlings piled all around me. You can't see Femme Pois as she is under the blankies by my feet.

I played with lens, film, and flash using Hipstamatic for iPhone. Enjoyable and slightly distracting. I just finished watching Michael Palin traversing the Sahara. Now to seek either something similar or maybe go to reading or something similarly distracting.

I'm in serious need of "proper" assistance. There are too many very important and serious items to take care of and not a lot of time. Maybe Will can assist me? No. He will make up for lost time when he returns.

It's not his (or mine) fault that Tom put on an extremely convincing mask up until he was here and then it took a couple days for his behavior to hit a sort of point of no return.

I've so many financial things to attempt to figure out. Insurance troubles. FSA questions. Electronics needing help. Cat stands needing fixing or replacing. Same with my sofa. TV started acting odd and then I found that the manual controls on the side are apparently not working at all. The list grows. Need a juicer of moderate strength so I can try and see if it can help me drop any weight at all.

Enough! Enjoy the cuddly pets and deal with my double chin. LOL. :-P

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Sent from my iPhone

Oh, Barnabas, Barnabas...what a wretch you are...

It's strange, isn't it, how people cling to life. How they seem to consider it so much better to grow old, ugly and humiliated than to...

To what?

Than to remain young and beautiful forever, untouched by time. Untouched by anything.

Except loneliness.

I'm really loving (still) "Dark Shadows." I'm considering developing a drinking game based on taking a shot every time there's a screw up. A sound coming through. Booms keep dipping into the shot. Shadows and lights move over people's faces. Scrims screw up. And there are tons of tripped over sentences, as well as confused mumblings that are very short and apparently a sort of "uh" pause. You could, with careful watching, defintely commit alcohol poisoning upon the self.

I've nobody to spend Christmas Eve, Christmas, or Boxing Day with. Nobody. Sounds like pathetic whinging from the disabled dumped pathetic self-pitying me. :-P

But it's true that this holiday season is probably going to be the most lonely one I've spent in a very long time. I've got a batch of collections I could watch in a row. Some I've not seen before, like the whole of "The Flight of the Conchords" or a bunch of the Muppets or the whole of PeeWee Herman or finish the Gamera MST3K box set or even submerge my pain and sorrow with the bluray set of "Samurai Champioo" but I won't be watching more "Dark Shadow" as it appears I've reached almost to the end and oh my god...it's in color!!! How did that happen?

Have I reached the end with this episode? It certainly sems that way and why isn't anybody noticing Barnabas' reaction? Oh my gods....they changed the opening montage too. What the hell? Dark Shadows should NEVER have tried the color format. I mean, the women look less attractive and the same with the clothing. Possibly because there was a problem figuring out about the difference with the way color shows up. This is incredibly stupid. The evil bitch woman about to rip apart the poor girl's mind. Really does remind me of bits of "Twin Peaks." Freaking stupid twists for no reason. That are just not realistic. With a few of the actors not getting any better the whole of the time they perform. Very unrealistic behavior. Unconsistent! Well, it sucks so much now that I am feeling "bleagh" about it and I'm only half paying attention. 8-O <-- how did it suddenly become black and white? They only did one in color? Smart move to go back. I hope it's permanent. The girls are so much more beautiful this way. ... Wait, did they go back to color again? They DID@!?@?!!! Aargh.

Things are pretty shitty as far as my roommate situation. Well, for now. Will actually has been incredibly good toward me. He has been checking in with me to make certain I'm ok and reiterates that he'll come back and commute if he has to - if my feeling of being unsafe with Tom either gets worse or gets turned from a feeling to an actuatlity. He's written AND called to let me know that I can call the police if things get really bad. Last night I told him to leave if he was so sure of his better opportunites. Today he asked me what he should do and I told him I wasn't going to throw him out in the street but that as far as I was concerned it was up to him. I meant that I still felt fine with my decision but that effectively his path was his choice. He could continue to behave inappropriately and thus leave, or he could stop his melodrama. He did go to Safeway for me, driving his car, taking my list printed out from Safeway's site. Which, by the way is a great way to put a shopping list together I've decided. Anyway, he gets back and I hear him having a shouting fit. Cursing and almost crying. So I call out and ask him what's the matter and he starts yelling about losing money and he can't afford to lose money and he takes off and then comes back in and says he found my money (just over $50-) and he's calm. He has a serious problem.

Great. The poor little ghost girl is just an arrow shot in her heart and Barnabas is so freaking obvious I can't stand it. The way he talks. The way he asks questions. It's very way too obvious to anybody who has no plot blinders on. Very much not a plot driven thing at this point. So rambling. and ... well, it can get very silly. I suppose that's just a normal soap opera thing.

So I feel as though I'm in a situation that merits me being sort of glad about my insomnia. When I hear Tom walking around at night to go to the bathroom, for instance. He can see me on the computer and knows not to enter my room. But, as Will has noticed, Tom doesn't appear to have a fair amount of self control and thus it's not something I feel I can just laugh off. I've a very hot "hot dog" dog under my legs. Femme Pois is so freaking hot. And she's under my legs. I can see a Petal if I crane my head the right way. And I would have had to do a big shot there. The show would have me drunk this current episode.

What a huge spouting of words. I'll make one more wish before stopping - I wish somebody I know and trust would come and take over for the remainder of the time of Will's job. And I also wish they wouldn't use a very badly done version of hypnosis and people not noticing HUGE GAPING PLOT HOLES all over the place. Ahem. Sorry for the breakdown. Anyway. i wish somebody would come and take care of me for the remainder of Will's temp job that I know and that knows me. And that I could have a friend come over to decorate as much as possible my place for the holidays. Erica did such a wonderful job when we lived together at taking my meager decorations and showing them off to their best advantage. I wish my pets stay healthy for the rest of their long lives. I wish for my health to start improving or at least stabilizing and no longer getting worse. I wish I could lose this extra hundred pounds as easily as I gained it even though I'm having such a problem with water weight ... my body still can't handle all the extra weight. I wish the drugs would work and I have no bad side effects from them. I wish somebody would come into my life and sweep me off my feet and take care of me until the day of my death. A nice house in a wooded area just outside of a city or a large town. A house like I owned with Shawn. Or a house like Arlene and Hideki had. But in a different area. I wish I had things (Listen to the silence -- LOL Barnabas just had a Depeche Mode moment there) that had occured in the past be possible to change. I don't know if I wish both small and large changes, or just, well, the major ones. I wish I had somebody to hold me and adore me and soothe me and that I could adore in return without any physical issue.

I'm in so much pain but I'm laughing out loud at myself watching Barnabas stalking somebody who is in love with somebody else. And there's a ton of things just making me laugh and smirk. Yes. I admit to smirking. I'm hurting. To sleep, perchance to dream and oh please let it ease and the "Hamlet" with David Tennant is absolutely brilliant and I highly recommend it. Again. And again. And again. Why do I feel like I'm hurting so horribly? My chest aches quite a bit. The acting can get quite ... I just realized a recent scene reminded me of the spot in "Love At First Bite" where both the vampire and the current boyfriend meet for the first time and have a weird battle in front of the woman who doesn't have a clue what they're arguing about and it's done nicely...okay, enough.

Just remember this bon mot just received: "Christmas presents traditionally are something the giver wants you to have." I always thought that sentence ended "are something the giver knows you will love." I guess I always thought that gifts should reflect the personality of the person it is given to. Why give a present that is about the giver and not the givee (is that the correct word)? Okay. I've been writing this for a couple hours. Must stop...And if you make it this far? I hope I didn't bore you too much and I love you too.