Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

What's In A Certain Persons Past? Part 1

<u>People, Places, Things</u>
  • Gothic Raver, or Graver

  • Ex-husband 13 years younger - 10 years together - Left me after I got fat and was hospitalized for ten days

  • Love of Transgender and desire to become male (possible due to "Liz Lemon" sexual issue tendencies)

  • I think "30 Rock" ended mostly perfectly what with Kenneth indeed being an immortal and Liz Lemon's granddaughter pitching the show's concept and her following in her grandmother's footsteps and "Rural Juror" ended with Jenna showing she can seriously act and sing and yes that's a current thought process

  • Managed a glass blowing studio in Santa Rosa, CA

  • Life-long ethical lacto-ovo vegetarian

  • Current user and grower of licensed medical marijuana

  • A Pembroke Welsh Corgi and a Miniature Dachshund are loved by me and my ex-husband's cat is still with me, the allergic one - he refuses to help care for - I just don't want her at all

  • In eight months I went from weighing 105 pounds to 215 pounds - I hate and detest myself now but no working adrenal function? Stick fat causing steroids on so if the pain doesn't make me want to die - the ugliness I see in the mirror does

  • Believe fervently in Legally Assisted Death a la "Soylent Green" version and would say "Yes, thank you" to a doctors offer to help me achieve death

  • Fibromyalgia

  • Love singing and played a singer on and off most of my life - yay, immer essen!

  • Addison's Disease

  • Modeled for High Society and a few other fetish print and web sites starting in 1993 through 2008

  • Lived in UK 1997-1998
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  • Started own (failed) erotica web site in 2006

  • Member of online communities like OKCupid and FetLife

  • Ex-Model as Molly Black

  • Ex-Photographer as Dr Molly Black

  • Never met biological ex-neurosurgeon father

  • Adopted veterinarian father stays out of my life normally - and doesn't really help when asked or needed

  • Mother has multiple degrees and no interest in helping usually - Volatile relationship with severe ups and downs

  • Moved to NYC summer of 1989

  • Moved to Boston fall of 1989 with ex-boyfriend/bandmate

  • Moved to SF in Sept 1991

  • Fatal car accident with only one surviver when roommate fell asleep at the wheel and car owner was crushed in flipped car

  • Adopted father had affair with married receptionist

  • Mother fell in love with receptionists husband

  • Entire family, including their two children (a year older than each of us), moved in with us.

  • Gorgeous Doctor Sister in TX - Volatile relationship

  • A radical atheist and a Vonnegut-ian socialist with humanist trappings

  • About ready to store everything in order to bring about radical change - RV cross-country living? Yes, maybe as much fun as a sleeper train trip, even

I'm definitely open to ideas from anybody who knows me so far as things I've done, seen, or accomplished that are unique if told in my voice/perspective. Make it reality tv worthy or something you've always thought I should throw in my autobiography or what have you. Does missing Galapagos due to my illness count? Or having my husband come into our room to ask for a condom to have sex with our mutual friend? Granted I'd said ok earlier, but the request for condoms brought it right in front of my face and that wasn't cool.

Dammit! I need a place to live!

I'm at the end of the proverbial rope. Everything counts on money and unless I start whoring myself (Again, watch Liz Lemon on 30 Rock) for cuddles and kissing or whathaveyou (aka worlds worst prostitute) I'm uncertain about my strength. Or lack of strength.

Rent to own? Any friends have a place on the market they can't get rid of? Or is in need of some fixing up? Contracts will keep us from devolving and going for the others throat. As it were.

Anybody want an American wife?

That was a huge and heavy sigh I just sighed. It's so unbelievable that the amount of my imbalance from my medications gets added too. I need a place to live. I wish it was just perfect. Like a dream come true - winning lotto or some luck based huge money prize!

I saw the dentist today and the tooth looks amazing. But I'm pretty wrecked. Cried before we left, then wanted to there but managed to hide it until we got home and during our discussion I cried and cried and cried. Just a completely exhausted sickee who needs a place to live. Dare I type this?

Nightie-Night!

Really? Reality? Yes, I Would!

It's very difficult to explain to those who don't know my history, why exactly I'm up against a wall, feeling beaten by my ex-husband.

For me it feels as though my sickness cost me my husband, our home, security, and so on. My ex was my best friend but he no longer even acknowledges when I catch him acting against our agreement.

An agreement I never should have agreed to based on our mediated agreement being ignored. Half? Ha! 1/3 PLUS I have to pay for my health insurance which means I don't have very much to live on.

The only reason I've survived on this for so long is because I used all my half of the 401k to cover the $600 gap. It's difficult to not get furious at myself for continuing to allow him to walk all over me.

Chip won't move our relationship forward until I've managed to stabilize not only my self, but also the crazies surrounding me. He's too mature and settled to have a crazy lady in his life. Though when I look in the mirror sometimes I can't see why anybody would ever find me attractive again.

Why did people all over stop me to compliment my looks before my weight gain? Does fat really make us so much more ugly than when we're skin and bones? Even starving myself won't help so I'm not turning anorexic. And bulimia? I'm throwing up so much that we're trying to stop me doing it anyway.

Giving up my steroids only makes everything worse. I'd drop them in a heartbeat, if I could without the horrible side effects of an unfulfilling adrenal gland. But it causes me to suffer horribly so I'm stuck.

The title of this post comes from the fact I'd do reality TV if I could make money doing it. Real money for me and donations to assist in research in my multiple illnesses: Addison's Disease, FMS, adrenal failure, etc. Heck, if it went well I'd love to consider either adopting or fostering in my near future. My pain could bring me help in the form of a nanny assisting part-time.

Or maybe the fact I had to lose everything to move to a place that allowed for both a realistic pain alleviation program and for me to utilize medical marijuana would be a good start for a reality show. The premise could follow me as non-quacks try to get my health under control while using the 18 prescriptions and loss of house and husband as the starting base.

And on that note my long, down past my shoulders, hair and I shall read something that can act as a soporific. Nah, I'll read some HP Lovecraft and dream of my beloved successful friends who are living the dream and I'm so happy for. There's a lap and arms waiting to enfold me with love if their help helps me help myself. :-)

Scripts, Stories, and Outlines

Writing a script for a tv show based off my first 30 years could be written as a comedy with hyper-melodrama that might sound made up, but generally isn't. For the first two decades of my adult life I heard non-stop that I needed to write my autobiography because it is so messed up. Things that might fit in an "Arrested Development" sort of way. Or some of the better "30 Rock" life scenes. Hell, Tina Fey works with a solid team and can pratfall with some of the best...as can the guy in both of those series.

Heck, my sister and my ex-husband sort of could see the me in the lead only if I'll be able to handle laughing, with others even, at myself. Does the fact I'm politically well to the left of Liz Lemon. I'm not as quickly witty. I think a relationship can be had without it being weird once you're third cousins or further - especially if you didn't grow up together.

But that's coming from a woman who married a guy who turned into such an asinine jerk that he didn't even send alimony on time just because it landed on my birthday. I had to write to him twice to get that fixed. Just really depressing if I let myself think about it because I still love the man I met and was with for the better part of a decade. Even though he treats me like the dirt beneath his shoes.

Called Chip today. Talking on the phone, or really at all, hurts and exacerbates the pain in my mouth so we only spoke for about 25 minutes. He sent me two huge gorgeous cards. One for my birthday and the other for Valentine's Day. Both had personal notes that made me feel I am a special person in his life. Something I need and appreciate receiving.

Need to think very hard about my living situation, how to improve it and what I need to do in order to move forward in a healthy manner, in multiple ways. And work on both a proposal and a script outline. It's halfway there.

Ouch, Dammit! No To Pain…

Okay, yes, I've had a few dates due to my profile on OKCupid. None worth being noteworthy other than one cutie who was poly with a serious relationship. There's Chip in my life, but he's far away and seems to want to wait for a while.

So I had a date with a 62-year short Richard Branson looking gentleman tonight. He brought some dinner from Drunken Fish and we cuddled while I introduced him to 30 Rock.

An amazing amount of people who became famous later on acted in "Twilight Zone" I've been discovering. Enjoyable. Here's one half of "The Odd Couple" as a drunk trumpet player hit by a car right into "The Twilight Zone." Tons of 'em. Kind of how "30 Rock" and "Arrested Development" used a ton of the SNL/Second City peeps for their shows.

I'm in serious pain still, thanks to the tooth pull and my regular issues. Stupid health broke my marriage, keeps me from living where and how and with whom I wish. I'm incredibly hopeful but when I try to plan a future where I have what I had with my ex (during the really good times) and make my partner proud of me, where my health isn't a roadblock. I'd like to feel hope again. I'd like to feel safe again.

I wish Chip lived out here. But it may be I found a very cute cuddle-buddy, for at least the interim. And he smooches very nicely. And we kept it closed mouth thanks to my agony keeping my mouth in fairly intense pain. Ouch. OW.

Don't Read If Distress Distresses You

I'm laying here in bed, nauseous, dizzy, trying to read if not sleep. My lungs feel weird. My female parts feel as though a UTI is heading into port. My eyes can't stop their watering. My lungs wheeze every so often.

This all has me saying outloud, albeit quietly, "Please let me die, I feel I can't take much more." I say it quietly, so as to not disturb even a hair in my home.

I've written a little more and there's still much more to be put out of my brain and into the universe on a piece of paper. Step-by-step, eh?

Yay.

Any Ideas?

I'm really sick. Raul thinks I may have a sinus infection. Ugh. I'm sweating, coughing if I let myself breathe in too deep, and shaking fairly bad. Anybody have a disability lawyer's info in the Oakland, CA area? Anybody? I need to get my case restarted and heading into the correct area. Pretty please I plead prettily to pursue a personal disability case. Though I'm honestly sweating and shaking and hurting. This sucks. I'm stuck sweating, sickly. Ugh again.

What to do, what to do?

The nausea and dizzy spells are about as bad as they can get, with large bits of pain hurting me as I try to remain as curled up as possible. I definitely don't want the pain and such to continue but I'm honestly stuck in the midst of this pain.

Managed to shower today, and that helped a bit to ease my nausea. But I'm honestly stuck. Financially I'm feeling beaten. What can any person unable to work do? I can't afford my rent anymore.

There's so much more, but I'm hurting too much to continue. Dreams aren't enough. Pain keeps me tightly in hand, no matter what I do to try and make my life better. I'm searching for a home for the cats first. My rent is stuck until my lease ends in May. Finally, I need two lawyers: one for disability and a second for help figuring out my situation with regards to family law.

And honestly I'm sick as can be. I am unsure whether hospital stay has become necessary. Or if I'm just struggling with whatever Raul's struggling with.

This being so sick makes me want to see if I'm SO sick that stopping my meds might end this physical illness. It's not me trying to cry for help. I'm just suffering and want it to stop. Please.

Pretty please, stop this…I can't hold on much more. I'm truly trying. Promise.

What A Find For NYE 2012!

(download)

I'm about to start watching "William Shatner's Gonzo Ballet" on Netflix, and I can honestly say that this may keep me chortling for the next 50 minutes.

I'm still alone with nobody to hold me and cuddle me and maybe even massage and smooch me. Maybe I need to readjust and get used to it.

Katie helped me run a bunch of errands this evening. Took longer than expected due to two times needing to replace her due to confusion. No worries though. I'm definitely going to miss her once Raul returns. Though I'll definitely appreciate our home's return to our healthy growing stability.

Though who knows? He may return and give two weeks notice. Anyway, I'm feeling sort of melancholic and run down. The picture I just took shows it I fear. The bags under my eyes are ridiculously dark and large. Ah well, I'll keep my self cheery by opening my bottle of champagne - I can and will watch this ballet with my drink and chocolate covered cashews.

I wish Chris was here. He'd keep me laughing and make me his excellent funnel cake and/or whiskey caramel popcorn. Yum to laughing and comfort junk food made from scratch. :-)

I'm Maintaining In The Face Of Lonely Adversity

Things have been stressful and I'm trying to maintain a certain level of nonchalance in the position I portray at home. Paranoia and immaturity both have gotten a punch in, via various caregivers.

I've been trying to lift the slack that I constantly find and find it somewhat destructive that each one, without realizing it, tries to undermine the others by emphasizing just how much they do versus how little it appears the other is doing. Each one, same phrases regarding the situation. Just hellish to try and not let either continue on in such a way. At least not to me.

I could definitely use some cheering up. In person would be best. Cuddling with one another as well as the pets, whilst watching whatever possible in 3D, whilst eating Poppycock or some homemade muffins/cupcakes or even just regular popcorn. Drinking optional. As is your 420-with-license self. I'm a total bitch who after Thanksgiving will NEVER share anything, even an expensive smokable weed, that's not prescribed again.

Want soda? Juice? No prob! Want my seemingly shareable meds? Piss off!!!

Ahem. Sorry. Just a mite bit sensitive still. I'm beyond a lot of pain (emotionally), or so I thought. Katie and Raul both kicked me when I was down yesterday…but who knows. Maybe a wonderful surprise will be mine.

You're my dreamboat dream. Who? You know, don't you?

And with that bit of crypticness I'll head off to get some photos off my camera. Maybe share some later...my perfect person has already watched the latest Doctor Who Christmas episode. No matter how. Just...I'd love to see it again.