Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

What to do when distraction is needed

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I've been playing a very silly but fun game that the evil overlords known as Zynga has put out, apparently for the iPhone/iPad cretins such as myself. One of the photos I just took shows something that makes me happy and reassured that I did indeed do the correct thing in choosing Petal. Due to both cats being black you can't see that they're actually cuddled together. Huge home happiness caused by such a simple thing.

As much as both Erica and Shawn love Lolita, Princess of Goth, I love Precious Petal. I love this kitty SO very much. It's not a tossup twixt her and Femme Pois because they're both mine and attached to me in different ways.

There's quite a bit more going on but it's for behind the LJ wall. I love posterous, but I do wish they had a better way of handling privacy in shared posts - a similar to LJ or even Facebook way would be nice.

My wish for this holiday: A friend who has time and space comes to take me away, along with all four pets - or at least the dogs - to some quiet place where cuddling and care are shared for the three weeks my roommate is away. Or they come to stay for the time. Lots of fun together no matter whether we drive my Prius to Las Vegas or Long Beach or even Vancouver.

Love is what I wish for this holiday season. Love of any type, shared and full of the care that helps everyone around. Shared affection would bring smiles not just to my face. My pets could use more love and affection and longer walks than they currently get. I've a large tent, and almost all the camping gear I might need. My Prius is small but with the items collected this past year I've the basics for a camping trip with the four pets and a few humans.

Now to eat, rest, and distract myself with more "Ruby Gloom" - the best kids show I've seen come out recently. Netflix streaming is my pal nights of pain like this. Love, love, love...it's easy!

What would I want for the holidays?

"When You've Been Made An Outsider, You're Always Angry."

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Watching a Harlan Ellison documentary that's causing me heartache for various themes touched upon are affecting me greatly. The picture I've attached is a close up of the outside of Ellison's house. If he could marry five times and apparently successfully this last time maybe I can fall in love again. But a part of me has come to see things Erica's way. Though who knows?

I know currently that my heart breaks due to missing my friends and my fears that the worsening symptoms are not due to one of my medications but are due to a worsening of whatever is the underlying cause, as Dr. Neuwelt phrased it. As my quality of life continues to slowly diminish what to do scares me to even try to figure out tomorrow.

The fear is getting worse. But I do know that it does not help. And I do try to distract myself with my pets and games and books and movies and the joy of news from my friends. Watching this documentary about Ellison. "Art is not supposed to be easy!" My short stories need finishing. My novel needs to go from an outline and short paragraphs to at least a series of short stories hooked together with some of my research into the realm of conspiracies throughout the years to pull it all together.

Harlan Ellison has the most amazing house and apparently he had a very super active love life in LA during the 60s & 70s. He apparently considers his marching with Martin Luther King to Selma his most proud moment in his life. He's very close friends with Neil Gaiman and Robin Williams. He's very proud of the life he lived as a super smart, highly thought of writer, that was at base a tiny Jew from the middle of the country.

My OKCupid profile has my dream mate sketched out. Cuddling is definitely something I'm missing. The four of my pets are trying but I don't think their cuddles are fulfilling the cuddle type that I need. Love cuddles without allergens. LOL.

Hugs And Drugs And Furry Love

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My sleep schedule has gone completely out of whack. My health isn't doing so great. But though these pictures do not show it, they almost all have all four sweetlings in them. And one of my feet. And the joy of viewing the first two episodes of "The Prisoner" on a found DVD. Makes me want to watch them all.

Will has talked quite a bit about symbology and how writers and directors won't often discuss their use of symbology. This show, if I remember correctly, is all about Jungian symbology of what the protagonist of the show is going through after resigning his M1 type employment. I would love to watch them all in a row with a person very knowledgable about both tv series and the use of Jungian symbology throughout.

Note you can't see Femme Pois, but that's because she's under the blankie by my left foot, facing the same way as Ein (who threw up again on the bed by my feet), Lolita has taken over my body pillow, and Petal's partially under my blankie pressed against my right hip. Petal is purring.

Come and cuddle and play games and meet Petal and watch number six get voted up to number two and gasp in surprise when you see Petal and Lolita together and nearly the same size. And "#2" ends back as "#6" which means time to stop this and check out the "Sahara with Michael Palin" -- I just saw the two cats touch noses as they lay next to me. Nose-to-nose and just adorable and so reassuring that this adoption brought so much happiness and love.

I'm So Tired...

Just ate the three dishes: Tofurkey and my cucumber salad and baked candied yams. With gravy by Tofurkey. I do wish we had made mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie but I'm full in the midst of my misery. The pain kicks my ass. My weight has gone back up. I'm a bit more active, but not enough to counterbalance my recent sugar binges. I did abstain for a day or two but it didn't make me feel better and I'm starting to understand Dawn French's consistent jokes about obese people having a bad time and utilizing sugar and candy to comfort the self during a bombardment of negative items storming the tottering emotional castle. So to speak.

At least dinner turned out nicely and though I didn't receive a single email, text, or phone call ... even though this feeling ... it's the way of the world. I went from throwing incredibly successful parties and decent club events and breakins, to this. It would be interesting to know whether my life would be better if I had never gone to that party on the roof with Eartha and friends. Had never gone to Worcester.

Asking for the hemlock now, Dr. Molly Black. Hemlock cocktail for Molly please. A dash of mint schnapps. If you don't mind. Thank you. Molly knows to wait patiently.

Thankful?

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Today has really shown me the schism twixt me and Will. He doesn't help as much as I need, but that's something I'm trying to see as good. It causes me to push myself.

But he effectively told me he lacks respect for me because of my collection of stuff. It annoys me that he has to use a bed with pillows, a heater, a chair to use at the desk he made out of one of my tables and yet stuff he hates? Hypocritical or ironic? Either way it doesn't feel friendly or self aware. Since we met I've known we both absolutely do not find the other attractive. The physical aversion is one thing, but the longer we live together the more I discover he doesn't have a very logical way of thinking. Anyway, it bothers me that Shawn bitched about stuff as well and then just dumped all of it basically with me. He kept our music studio stuff. He now doesn't have as much stuff because it's here with me.

And Will has a really comfy room with stuff making it so and yet he can effectively tell me he looks down on me because of all the stuff (which I've had person after person say they would love to help me organize and sell and earning 50% of profit) I have. Even though I've asked for help over and over again. Not just him. But I seriously need help to make the stuff either go where it belongs or sell it for space and monetary gain.

Oh well. Had a quick enjoyable talk with Mom. Watching MST3K Gamera box set. I love media so hopefully this will distract me. I'm having dizzy spells. And though it's almost midnight, we haven't finished making our TG dinner.

It's too bad I don't have a friend to grab me to attend some insane early thing like the Old Navy midnight opening with free waterproof cameras in a package set. That might have been fun.

Postponing the Inevitable

Will woke me up and after hearing how I sounded he suggested that the appointment take place later as he thought recent stress and strain have been beating the poo out of me so rather than add more this week. Though I felt guilty about not going I did see the sense of his advice.

A major holiday week in which my usual day spent with my best friend where we cooked together and some years guests joined us and some years we spent alone together has ceased after a decade. The stress of this past year added to the pile of urgent financial problems added to this next month has wrecked me so I'm hearing myself wheezing at least once or twice a day and coughing so hard my muscles contract uncontrollably.

Another long discussion of off the wall topics with my conspiracy theorist republican roommate/assistant. I did learn about some new anthropological theories. As in only announced in 1999. While that's a long time for a marriage, it's a small dot in the wonderful world of anthropology. I would enjoy our discussions more if he didn't present things and refuse to agree to disagree. But as nobody ever visits me, I don't really feel socially satisfied.

It would have been nice if Randall could have moved in. If only Erica would respond and come over...she never met Petal just passing out of kitten months. Now she'll meet a kitty catching up to the Lolita size! Bah, I seriously need to find somebody to "sublet" when Will goes to the far reaches of Outer Sunset for three weeks.

To feel unloved and left behind does not help poor health become healthy instead. But love is bizarre. Even platonic love. Familial love. Erotic love. Unconditional love. Little rhyme or reason as to why certain chemicals get released (or don't) when interacting or even just seeing across a crowded room (or not).

Fear?

I'm about to have a complete and utter nervous breakdown for some reason.

My whole body is reacting to an earlier painful nausea attack. I'm sobbing silently, unable to see through my tears and yawning - both non-stop. I've reached a breaking point that I didn't know was there.

Watching "The Vicar of Dibley" Christmas specials to try to distract myself. The sobbing calms so I'm just crying silently with much less yawning. This is not a good night. Dizzy spell to kick my sad sick ass. I love my friends. I'm so skewed - thinking back over the past few years is enough to explain why my PTSD is raging and the truth is some things are starting to settle down in my life but piled next to the bad there's no doubt a breakdown is due.

The holiday season is rough normally. This year is the year I was divorced. Our first "child" was Purrbarella and she was my nurse cat who kept careful watch over me and her sudden unexplained death happened. I've had many money problems and my insurance was nearly cancelled. My illness has continued to cause a slow but steady worsening of some of the problems. The pain and nausea not only hold sway, but also keep increasing.

An example of recent up-and-down stressors: We had a small recent battle with fleas that we luckily seem to have won. But the battle kicked me around with huge bites all over my legs. For somebody in my condition? Bad, bad, bad.

But Will seems to be working out as my roommate/assistant and is helping me in a myriad of ways. But to finally have found somebody not psychotic or drug-addled or just very incompatible has helped me. He's still learning a lot, but he is good at what he already knows and he is a quick learner. I think he's a good person and a good friend. We aren't friends...but we have enough in common that living together is a plausible pleasure. We are not physically attracted to one another and that is also for the best.

Exhaustion has me in its grasp. The crying has ceased. Writing about these problems acts as an outlet apparently. I'm thinking about the past and I miss Sterling Forest Renn Faire and Ludlow Street Cafe and the streets of Dublin. A good thing? I have those memories to remind me of another me.

My arm fell asleep. So should the rest of me.

Every Night Becomes More Bonding

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The four never leave me alone, and by this time (around 11pm) they settle down around me. After Will takes the dogs out for their last walk they immediately run up their pet stairs and FP climbs between her pet blankies. They still have their walk to do tonight but all four are sleeping now. Petal lays by my left side; FP sleeps by my left foot; Ein's on my right foot; Lolita sleeps curled on my body pillow that's on my right side.

It changes, the places where they sleep. But it's always with me at night. If the cats do go romping up and down the hallway at night, it's only to have them return.

I did the right thing when I adopted Precious Petal. Yes, I rescued a black (she's not quite a tuxedo, even though she does have a bunch of white contrasting) cat - they're the most often put to sleep due to superstition. I've had rescuers in different states tell me this and thus Lolita, Princess of Goth and now Petal. Anyway. I did the correct action when I did accept Petal instead of the Russian Blue. She has eased the ache of losing Purrbarella not just for me. Lolita has taken to playing with her. Petal gets along with both Femme Pois and Zweite Ein and not just Lolita.

Lolita just woke up and started licking Ein who got fed up and just twisted herself around so Lolita couldn't get to her ears. Very funny. But it's indicative of the lack of cat/dog problems. They all get along and Petal has helped by her personality of inquisitive friendliness to really make my family of pets fulfill ease some loneliness.

And on a different subject: I'm watching a DVD about Philip Pullman and "His Dark Materials" and the heart inside me breaks so over the ending. My love feels overwhelming and my loss has little relief even with my four separate pets giving theirs unconditional and stable love.

Milton and Blake I need to read again. I can love even with true love gained and lost. FP is snoring. I need to find an aid for three weeks as Will has been asked to housesit for somebody going to pay him that he feels he should do. Anybody have three weeks (or one or two) to come spend (Dec 15-Jan 7) helping me? Will will tell you himself that it's pretty darned easy. He is a very good roommate and also a good helper. Dog walking and doing errands and such. His room is very comfortable and you would have it as a sort of sublet.

It could be a lot of fun. Really!