What to do? My thumb still hurts like a bitch. Sharp stabbing pain around the central joint. Can't sit up without adverse affects. The worsening of my symptoms has me at a loss. No idea at all of what to do. Which doctor should I call? What is wrong and why does everything seem to conspire against my very real attempts to regain my health?
Introspection: Trying my damnedest to live like a normal person. But exercise tends to increase the problems instead of reducing. My attempts to aid in the organization and clearing up of the items I have in order to have an apartment I feel proud of, instead of one that I constantly apologize for due to the papers and toys and detritus needing me to sort through them.
Will I need to go to a hospital again? Do I know of anybody who wants to come help me for the three weeks mid-December that Will is going away to assist a friend and earn cold-hard-cash? Dr. Linfoot has said point-blank that I need the aid and without it I run a real risk of doing damage to myself. He considers the time between Will and Erica (but especially between psycho girl and Will) to have hurt me.
Will's trying to do things and file paperwork that will get him food stamps and me possibly get Medi-Cal, food stamps, and pay for whomever cares for me. In this case it would mean Will could care for me AND focus on his art. It would really help us both. But right now? If Dignitas pulled up and rang my doorbell and offered me the surcease I've begged for this very hour - to allow me to double check my will - would I?
Only a person unaware of what I'm living through and suffering would think I would say no. I would fix my will with a quick codicil and call a few to leave a loving farewell before preparing to drink their cocktail or use a needle to inject their doctor assisted goodbye liquid.
Love given freely from a person such as myself apparently is frightening to some. Why? Because who wants to give their heart to somebody that may disappear due to sickness, whether it is cancer or AIDS or MS or complications due to a mix of health issues? Who can really handle this? Not a hell of a lot. Can YOU? Come watch things with me? Not stress about my wheezing and coughing so hard my muscles spasm?
I could use a hug. A gentle hug as we sit surrounded by beloved pets perhaps? Gentle everything right now; I'm so tired of hurting...
As far as the play goes it's Agatha Christie's "The Unexpected Guest" as rewritten for this. The acting really stands up under perusal. Though the writing and direction could use a bit of help.
YouTube has many free movies in the classics section including such favorites as "Jail Bait" and "The Amazing Transparent Man" and "White Zombie" and "Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks" and so on ad infinitum. The mind boggles at all the treats I have awaiting me on my Touchpad via YouTube where ever I have wireless access! How cool is that?
Petal has almost caught up to Lolita in size! Her tail has the same thickness and feeling when I grab the base to tug on it and tease. She has had a wonderful effect on Lolita. To see them playing and running back and forth through the hallways together just eases some of my pain and causes me to laugh at the look on Lolita's face.
My chest hurts lately. Not like heartburn. It's difficult to breathe at times as well. It may be a side effect of one of my medications. Things are hard to organize right now. Anything requiring me to actually focus usually turns into an overwhelming cause of fear. Of a sort, anyway.
Enjoy my pets as much as I do. Note Ein sleeping with her head using a box partially as a pillow with her nose touching the bill of the toy platypus. I think she misses her daddy. Then there's Petal sprawled out looking completely content on my body pillow. And Lolita preparing to leave my side after a couple of hours listening to the psychotic free movies on YouTube. And Ein just returned to her box as a pillow. Bizarre dog.
Femme Pois is here by my feet. You just can't see her due to angles but mostly because she's burrowed into a blankie thus hiding her from showing up in any photos.
They are so affectionate and I know they're imperfectly trained, but they know the words that are the important ones. I'm so happy that Precious Petal has chosen to sleep curled up next to my hip tonight. So all four sleep with me almost every night. It feels reassuring.
Will and I talked a lot tonight about my fears and my feelings about Shawn and about caregiver and patient stuff...but mostly he let me babble and then I would calm down and ask about him because it's not all about me. He's my roommate and assistant and he's cool with it. There's a mutual learning curve but we both seem to be figuring the ways of this new situation together. He's getting a lot of things sorted that will help both of us if things work the way they should. I met a cute friend of his last night. She came over and spent half the night watching Monty Python with him.
Lately I've been more freaked out and scared of the future than usual. The thing I'm wondering currently about has to do with the whole Dignitas issue. I'm unsure of what to do or where to go. So I'll distract myself with the four spots of warm breathing love that surround me...