Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Surrounded By Love?

My pets are bizarre in vastly different ways. Petal insists on kneading & sucking on my fluffy silver blankie. Femme Pois insists on being second only to me & she & Petal curl up together sometimes. Lolita, Princess of Goth has her own idiosyncratic behaviors. Zweite Ein does odd things such as last night when I heard her nails slowly clicking up & down the hall until I called her & she finally climbed the pet stairs to join the crew in my bed. All four of them will sleep with me, giving me little room but much pleasure.

In fact I've got three of the four on the bed with each of them touching me while sleeping. Definitely unconditional love. Which I happen to need lately. I'm beyond overwhelmed by the negatives in life, but after another talk with Michael I feel more reassured than ever that I could not have done a thing to change the problems he has. The main of it all comes from places in him I could never fix. His addictions are real and very visible once a person stops blindly blaming themselves and looks at the truths kept hidden.

The worst part is Michael would have made a great roommate and knowing that I'm left beating myself up. Must stop. Back to reading my "real" books for now. This hurt and sadness will go away, but not quickly. My best friend has gone missing and Shawn has completely cut me out of his life which I never expected and which hurts incredibly on top of all these other lies and betrayals.

Thankfully I have my pets around me, giving me love, and Michael says he wants me as a friend in his life. We shall see. I need the pain to ease up. I even walked the dogs to the underpass and back today. I'm trying so very hard yet I feel as though I'm being sucked back and down with little to assist me from going completely under.

I'm using this outlet so I face the world with a happier face. It helps. I would love a hug right now...

Other Options: Roommate Only

There's always the option of having a paying roommate and using the money saved to pay for my part-time care.

Looking for a communal minded roommate that is a lacto-ovo veggie or vegan or even a pescian in diet who doesn't mind no fishes cooked and/or eaten in the home. Loving animals is a great plus, as is not having a problem with addictions of any sort. My last two attempts have failed due to a lack of honesty in interviews that only led to painful collapse of trust and causing emotional hurt at the outright betrayal.

Honesty is imperative.

The rent is $1500 plus utilities and storage space. Finding the right person is important. Rent paid by my roommate will be $850- inclusive of all utilities and sharing of amenities monthly. The room has a full-size mattress and box spring and a nice sized coffee table.

Vonage is one of the included utilities and is setup to include over 60 countries callable at no extra cost. Also there's a fax line and Netflix and Wii Fit if you so desire and a PS3 setup for face to face chats as well as playing BluRay discs and games. I'm disabled so most of my time is spent at home. The shared space is very full but I'm very willing to work with whomever becomes my roommate to make the space "ours" and very much a shared space.

There's two cats and two small non-yappy dogs. All four are very affectionate and love to curl up with people, even ones I've only just introduced to them. They make the world a much more caring place and any animal lover will fall under their spells.

Wow. I meant to just draw up a quick outline only to go forth much more fully than intended. The thought of moving to a one-bedroom has made me realize just how much I appreciate companionship and that I do want to live with a roommate if at all possible. Yes, this last disaster has really hurt me. But I can do my best to overcome it and find the right setting for a potentially happy me.

But honestly? I feel beaten by the lies and thefts and I'm hiding those feelings to the best of my ability. But it's hard for me to trust and maybe a paying roommate will help as I can use the saved money to pay for any necessary assistance. If it didn't mean giving up my animals I might seriously look into a live-in facility but I can't so I won't.

There's always a chance somebody can work out as a roommate and assistant, but so far I think maybe not. I shall see.

Back to reading...

An RV? Seriously?

Yes. Seriously.

When Shawn and I were happier and when Aba and I were fairly lost at sea, both times I had a short fling with the idea of buying an RV and traveling around the states. Spending a few months in an RV park near various friends and notables and using the time to learn about the area and taking a fair pile of photographs to document the experience.

The pain is kicking my ass most definitively at the current moment and I need to seriously track down why it's so bad now in particular. Who knows? It seems to me that the pain, dizziness, nausea, and so forth could get pushed to the side I haven't really paid much attention to. Perhaps that's where I should focus.

Anyway...do I have any friends that love to travel, love my animals, are fine living at home as lacto-ovo vegetarians, enjoy music and reading and watching movies and/or playing video games? Does the idea of traveling around

What Should I Do?

My heart is breaking. And I dream that my heart will get healed. I miss my best friend, Erica, and I miss my other best friend, Shawn. It would help if I had not chosen two bad roommates in a row. It has traumatized me to lose my close friends and my health just keeps dropping which has me sad and frustrated and so very alone.

I want some peace and quiet.

This whole situation feels so fucked up. I give up. It hurts and I can't figure out what to do. The lies, thievery and betrayal bullshit after all the generosity just feels like a hand is crushing my heart right in my chest. The tears are just cutting a path down my face. Why would he not only steal, but deliberately steal something discussed as a no-no and then to appear almost to throw it in my face.

How do I go forward? I don't - I CAN'T trust my judgment if these past two are anything to go by. I'm scared that I'm so sick and that I need help and I can't trust anybody. I'm laying here crying with my biggest hope being that a good person will want me in their life and has the strength and capability to assist me and to share their life with me and capable of accepting me in their life. I don't know how everything I need can be listed in my ad and yet even acknowledging that doesn't change the behavior. I hide nothing but even that doesn't help. I'm alone. And I'm scared. I need to find a person who can handle my health. The ups and downs. Oh gods, this is horrible and I wish somebody was strong enough and capable of helping me work toward a future. But instead this bull occurs and I'm hoping for help. This has utterly destroyed me today and tonight.

Lies and thievery and betrayal of trust and generosity. It hurts so much.

Another Fuckup To Add To The List

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So tonight my new roommate, the one who moved out here and moved in with me, stole some of my medical marijuana and thus when I told him that I woke up this afternoon choking and that I was concerned about it but that it was more so he would know to take me to the hospital if anything like it happened again he apparently freaked out. He came into my room about an hour ago to tell me he had stolen some and gotten very stoned and he can't live here and has to move out because my illness is worse for him to handle than living and wiping the butt of an autistic man for a year.

There's nothing I can do to make things better. He stole my medication even after I had discussed with him my worries about that and how it caused problems in the past. He's had whole days off already because it was important to me that he not only heard that his time is his own most of the time, but he needed to live it so it was not just words but actual huge parcels of time for his practice and his friends and all of it. But this time it has nothing to do with time but everything to do with my sickness being too heavy for him to handle when he's super stoned on stolen medication.

Petal's come to comfort me in my distraught state. She's on my stomach, but lightly there as though she knows to be gentle and she's purring as she keeps me company during this short time of need. She may not stay, but it's enough she gave me any time right now. I don't know what to do next. This time I did all I could to give space, consideration, time off and away, and even lunches and dinners paid for at times - and he only arrived on the 16th! I did all I could to make this roommate situation work and I failed. I asked him point blank what I did? What can I do to fix whatever is wrong. But the impression he left me with is that my type of illness has a very bad effect on him emotionally.

So I asked him to just get me ice water and walk the dogs and to leave it at that until tomorrow afternoon when he won't (hopefully) be stoned and even if he won't stay I want us to have a discussion clear-headily to at least communicate in a more healthy manner what exactly is wrong to cause him to behave as he has done.

This afternoon we discussed house hunting together and me looking at mortgages. Yesterday I took him to Currylicious to use my Groupon voucher. Today was almost all his. The amount of care needed and/or requested was negligible partially due to how sick I am. If I can't choose a good roommate I sort of feel as though I should just give up. My choices all have not worked for various reasons that I feel either I should have sussed out earlier or not let my fear of no care cause me to choose unwisely. I really like Michael and did everything in my power to give him space and free time and even fun - as in our going camping together. I even said to him today that if he had a friend who might make a good third to come along that would be cool. Why steal and why behave in such a way?

I guess the fact I had very little to do with this collapse should offer me some cheer. But really I think it has really broken my heart. I offer pure and untainted friendship only to have it accepted, allegedly, only to have it rebuffed with what feels like almost no warning.

My sickness has knocked me back after all this time I've managed to handle most everything needed. I've learned to hide from those who will hurt me with hardly a look. Must end this rambling heart broken writing. There's few to trust when things are thus. Hooray for Femme Pois, Zweite Ein, Lolita, Princess of Goth, and Precious Petal Tiger Lily and for their unconditional love and concern. And somehow I will make it through this. When a person gives and gives and it all comes to naught, it's not the not giving in return for the most part. It's the fact it hasn't brought joy or knowledge of appreciation or any of the many reasons for wanting to see somebody happy.

Petal makes me smile even in the midst of my misery and tears. She eats out of my fingers. I want to feel secure in my offerings of friendship. Shawn and Cesmir have both shown me in word and deed that remains a foolish hope.

Thursday Night in August 2011

I've got both cats cuddling on one side of me and Femme Pois burrowed in the silver shag throw I've got on the bed - which my darling Precious Petal Tiger Lily (her name keeps growing) has a bizarre fetish with. She will knead it with her huge paws at the end of her normal small kitten legs and SUCK on the furry blankie.

Used my Groupon coupon to take Michael out to Currylicious. They were decent but not great. Looked at the Vespas but it turned out I can't get one since I have bad dizzy spells. But I could afford one if not my balance problems.

I've got four pets who love me. I've got a new roommate that's working out so far. My health is pretty terrible, but I've got positive things to keep my mind from sinking into pure depression. Tomorrow morning door pickup of old electronics and CFL bulbs is a very happy surprise.

Glad that some things will be sorted. I'm desperate to get rid of the couch. It takes up far too much space, even if it is super comfy. It makes more sense to have a smaller couch in not only my current apartment, but any near future moves will need the same smaller couch.

Just to see, I'm applying, I think, for a mortgage so I can perhaps get a home for not a lot more than we paid for our house in Austin but here. I'm hopeful to find stability with my four pets plus maybe even a Michael. Who knows what we shall do? I've got pets who love me. Things are interesting. And things are full of chaos and fear and then Lolita stretches out to caress my hip with her paws.

Michael has made a joke that we are already like a married couple without sex since he's gay and I'm in love with singularity lately. But yeah, with help I think getting even the storage unit cleaned out is possible. A garage sale appeals. As does house hunting with Michael. Hugs desired. Friends to go camping with and watch movies with and play video games with and to help me get organized and on Medi-Cal and to make another disability attempt and help if I do find a mortgage and house to make a combination office, photo studio with clear floor for contortionist practice.

And the pets all cuddle against me but I have to get up and find what to put out for electronic recycling pickup early Friday morning. And to enjoy the cool night air while I miss the caress of Adam and Allen and even Kevin. The caresses of the past or, in one case, just wished for. I wonder what became of Gabe?

Friends? Come over to visit and let us support one another this balmy and lovely weekend coming up...

Slice Open My Chest And Remove My Heart

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We all maintain
With too much strain
That to refrain
Takes nothing from us

We lie

She dreams all night
Some are black and white
Nothing feels right
But still effort exudes

We hurt