Having their affection and apparent consideration of my depression and depth of pain is helpful. I still must battle these down by myself, or so it seems, but if I can manage to train the energetic and adventurous Petal that will do my heart and soul some good.
She can be very precious indeed, when she wants. Otherwise she's destructive as all get out.
Michael had fallen asleep but woke up so quickly I thought perhaps he had been meditating, but he was asleep and had forgotten the "before bedtime" chores. I would have done them myself if not for my illness and exhaustion. Yes, I'm awake, but I'm also the others as well. I hope Petal comes back. Lolita's come in for some attention as well. She and Petal still have barriers to lose (as I hear one of them hissing at the other under my bed). And here comes Lolita to get attention and love from me while I read more Ellison whilst hoping for a surcease of pain, please?
Michael's out walking around the neighborhood. I need to take meds, feed dogs, and rest. Luckily I have many movies to watch, music to listen to, and books to peruse. Sick I may be, but I've a new roommate and the dogs on my feet and a lot of Sondheim I've not seen or heard yet. Pretty awesome for a person falling apart from pain and nausea.
Listening to "Sondheim on Sondheim" using a nice HP bar speaker since tonight my HP little speakers set is fantastic but is also having problems and since both it and my laptop are refurbished so which is the one skipping? In and out I mean. It means I have to call on the help line tomorrow. And I see my neurologist tomorrow. And I need to get a regular collar and a name tag made for Petal. It's too much. Everything is freaking me out.
I like Michael but I'm afraid of ... not him, but the situation is really upsetting. He's very sweet so far. He handled this morning's chores easily. And he may have fallen asleep as I tried using both the phone intercom and the walkie-talkies to fail both times to receive any response.
He was watching movies (he was viewing "Delicatessen" last I saw) and part of my panic attack stems from fear about bothering him even though we have spoken about things like that as in what is his job for rent exchange agreement. Ad says everything I need so we took that as a base and he understands (he says) that there are days of an hour total care and days that it's several hours. It's only my panic attack making all this so frightening and horrible.
Petal is weird and goes between friendly and neediness and wanting to flee. She sounds a lot like Purrbarella when she chitters and does half meows. I'm afraid I'm doing poorly as a cat trainer currently.
I've only had her since Saturday and Michael only arrived yesterday. Panic attacks induced by too much pain, nausea, change, additions and reminders of loss, and all of it caused me to have a 30mg booster set of hydrocortisone pills earlier.
Food? Probably necessary. Michael forgot about our discussion on how we should try to manage my stomach/meals. That's partly why I think he fell asleep as well. If I wasn't relapsing due to my body collapsing. I rescheduled my appointment with Candice for Friday. Two days things rescheduled to allow my body and mind time to have a break.
It seems I need to watch "Assassins" as Sondheim says it's the only piece of work he's done that he's never felt could be improved by him that he's done. Saw "A Little Night Music" and they took a lot out of it to make the filmic version. So much I want to see that done on stage as well as "Company" and even "Sunday In The Park..."
Whilst waiting for the anti-panic attack attempts to kick in I'm trying to appreciate listening to his soundtracks and reading Ellison. Ellison's collection is filled with angst and a feeling of futility that doesn't help. Though the brilliance of imagination does excuse my perusal even during this stage I'm in.
Need to give up tonight as a loss to pain overwhelming and hoping I can pull myself back together by tomorrow. Petal needs training, my room needs a few things handled by Michael as I don't have the strength. Petal has left little claw marks over my shoulder and chest. Little red marks that hurt and itch. She's learned about treats already so that aspect of training is ingrained. Visitors who want to go for a drive and/or feed me and/or help organize things are welcome as I could use company and affection and snuggles.
Erica spent last night over to assist me and now I'm alone again. Snow Toe arrives on Saturday. I had Safeway deliver today. Slowly the home is gaining things to make life easier. A new vacuum that sucked up enough hair in my tiny available floor space to fill the canister. Ordered a small heavy duty step ladder for the kitchen which Erica mentioned I should have gotten quite some time ago. The home needs work to make space and show how open the floor plan really is.
The pets, all three, are asleep at my feet. I took a bunch of pictures to try and show them all in their row. They follow me from room to room so I tend lately to try and spend time in both rooms. It's made me aware of the couch and now I want it gone. Want to get rid of it to see about the recliner love seat there instead. Maybe the chaise lounge next to it...it's not clear to me what I should do, but I know that cleaning everything up and getting organized is near the forefront of my desires.
There is a need in me to clear up the mess and to find a suitable home. And maybe mom is right and I should try again to find out about an assisted living home that accepts under 55 that's not only a year remaining to look at. But the pets wouldn't be allowed. Buying a small house is possible if I go about it smartly. Staying here and getting a one story home with a small yard for the dogs makes good sense if I am careful.
Sigh. Nausea and acid stomach equals misery. Another big sigh.
Purple harness: Femme Pois
Giant orange and white shaggy beast: Zweite Ein, or plain Ein...
My health is bad and worrisome. But the love from my pets is good and sometimes it does feel worth the struggle. There's a little good underneath all the bad. Truly.
And I've gotten enough Sondheim DVDs with the super sale I posted about the other day (YAY!!!) to keep me entertained as there are several I have yet to see. Netflix finally received my missing DVD so today I received both "A Little Night Music" and the second DVD for "Rebecca." Now I want to see "A Little Night Music" done on stage. The music's just wonderful and I love the story. Want to see Ingmar Bergman's movie that started the whole procession.
Also indulged in various styles of music by splurging on Amazon's monthly $5 mp3 CDs as August is chock full of excellent options. So what did attract my attention enough to get me to open the wallet? Double best of Pavarotti. New Judy Collins. Brian Eno. Danger Mouse Spaghetti Western concept album. And a new album of Moby that had great reviews calling it to my attention. $5 each with high quality and no DRM. Well worth it for the relaxing nature of my indulgence.
Plus I enjoy sharing my music with friends and these all can help me indulge in my odd mixes made for entertaining my friends and family. To try and pretend none of this is happening. Needing help is a horrible plight to be in day in and day out. None of us want to be trapped in such a state, no matter if people who should know better say they wish they were sick and/or disabled so they could "lie around and have everybody doing things for me so I don't have to."
Yes, an alleged caregiver, a self proclaimed caregiver who said that to my face. Also driving me In my car to a doctor appointment only to start a fight and tell me how she killed her brother in an automobile accident. Me, with fucking highly earned PTSD, got to hear enough in that car drive to recognize this girl is pure psychotic high maintenance with a huge melodrama quotient. Never again.
And on that note, with the knowledge there are a crazy amount of empty boxes in Michael's room that need breaking down or transport into the storage space, I should end my babbling. Other than clearing those out I believe I've done most of my listed chores that I can do. The nausea and sharp pain have me pretty wrapped up and I know I have to stop since I've nobody to help me and I fear imminent collapse due to my not listening to the tortured screams my inner self only gets to hear as short sharp shrieks in reaction to most any movements.
The pets are all in here with me, but Precious Petahl isn't taking to Lolita and ignores any attempts to call her. I've broken out the treats for her training as she needs a little extra incentive to learn.