Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Depression Can Just Slam Head-First With No Warning...Like Now.

Today I started off by taking the car in for it's 45K maintenance. With coupon I saved $50- and they're not only highly rated on Yelp but also two blocks away with a ride to and from provided. And, a great coupon for discounting a major maintenance job.

Saw that one of my neighbors hit my car. How do I know? Color, position, and placement all combine to make it pretty damn clear.

I feel depressed that I paid a person who asked for me to allow them to clean my car only to have it pretty badly done. I'm becoming more and more aware that the people who ask me for things like paying them to help out or live with me are generally the people I need to stay away from.

They take my assistance in trade or for a small fee that they have requested of me and do a shitty job and/or take me and what they practically begged for and treat me unfairly. They backstab, bad mouth, do shoddy work, and so forth. It hurts my feelings, it creates drama where none need exist, and I'm done with it. If this new person doesn't work out I'm moving to a smaller place and using the money saved in rent and utilities to hire people to do random needs. Safeway delivers for between free and $10- and that includes their shoppers picking out the best veggies and fruits and carrying it all up to my kitchen and you're not even allowed to tip them - it's printed all over the place. So why should I pay somebody more than that? There are a lot of things in my life like that.

If I had a place with a small yard for the dogs I wouldn't need help walking them so I can put that in my search. I've a good rapport with the property management agency and they know my needs have changed so that makes my hunting for a place easier to navigate and smaller and perhaps with a yard more realistic.

Femme Pois has been leaping the barrier and eating all the cat food so I need to get that more properly dog-proofed as well as putting el tubbo on a diet. No wonder she's getting fatter and not eating dinner in her normal "scarf it all down and fast!" mode. So that's on the schedule. No din-din for her tonight and half it for the next month.

The huge box collection needs to be finished getting cleared out of the second bedroom. Michael lands tonight and shows up here tomorrow. I'm nervous as all get out, but I'm hoping that he didn't misrepresent himself as the past two have. A word of caution: If somebody has no hands on experience assisting or caring but says "I have the kind of personality where I love to care for people who need help! I helped so-and-so through such-and-such. I just am the kind of person that I wondered about becoming (nurse, emt, therapist, etc) but I" ... and excuses bring it to fade out. Time and experience has shown me that these people are all talk and very little depth of capability.

People may even have their hearts in the right place, but my experience has been that such people want more than they're willing to give. A person who requests the spare room in exchange for the list of tasks posted right smack dab in the ad or posting suddenly doesn't actually care about helping and the list? Well the list may be exact, but they certainly seem offended that the list is for real. Clubbing isn't barred. Friends visiting several times a week and sleeping over isn't barred - even if I find it becoming overwhelming I know that everybody needs time out so it's something I tolerate. But tolerance isn't a two-way street. That's another thing I've learned in the past seven or eight months.

Anyway. Having all this staring me in the face is depressing. I looked at an RV today. Just the inside of one and they're HUGE inside! The four pets, me, my multimedia collection, and a fellow traveler could all fit in one quite easily. Three months in FL, three months in NY, and so forth! That's possible if I worked it out carefully and made certain my health care was possible to maintain whilst living a life on the road. I like the idea.

Dogs outside now. Boxes organized later. Prescriptions refilled - I've only one to have handled asap. Petal isn't doing badly in her adjustment to life in her new home with her new family. She's only hissing at Lolita, ironically. But that should end shortly as she's really fitting in and everything super fast. I've only had her since Saturday and she's already cuddling me at sleep time and she gets along with the dogs. Only Lolita gets her pissy still.

Off to call about prescriptions and then the dogs - boxes later. New roommate tomorrow as well as allergist appointment. Fun, fun, fun. :-/

We Do What We Can With The Little We Have

(download)

Today is a day that has me thinking too much about things causing sadness deep in me. To call what I'm feeling anything less than direly dour (or do I mean dourly dire?) makes light of something deeply destructive in the self.

Erica spent last night over to assist me and now I'm alone again. Snow Toe arrives on Saturday. I had Safeway deliver today. Slowly the home is gaining things to make life easier. A new vacuum that sucked up enough hair in my tiny available floor space to fill the canister. Ordered a small heavy duty step ladder for the kitchen which Erica mentioned I should have gotten quite some time ago. The home needs work to make space and show how open the floor plan really is.

The pets, all three, are asleep at my feet. I took a bunch of pictures to try and show them all in their row. They follow me from room to room so I tend lately to try and spend time in both rooms. It's made me aware of the couch and now I want it gone. Want to get rid of it to see about the recliner love seat there instead. Maybe the chaise lounge next to it...it's not clear to me what I should do, but I know that cleaning everything up and getting organized is near the forefront of my desires.

There is a need in me to clear up the mess and to find a suitable home. And maybe mom is right and I should try again to find out about an assisted living home that accepts under 55 that's not only a year remaining to look at. But the pets wouldn't be allowed. Buying a small house is possible if I go about it smartly. Staying here and getting a one story home with a small yard for the dogs makes good sense if I am careful.

Sigh. Nausea and acid stomach equals misery. Another big sigh.