On a positive side I was approved for a new cat by the local adoption chapter of petfinder.org, and the one I chose isn't available currently but they have a mostly black kitty that needs a home. Apparently black cats are the most difficult _everywhere_, not just Texas and the South. So adopting a black kitty is sort of like adopting a pit bull. People have bizarre aversions.
And I'm having to use the cane in the house now, but I'm also only using the cane when walking the dogs in the neighborhood. I need the walker for longer distances, but it's both a small step forward and back.
The bruising still happening easily, and falling into not only walking sleep periods but also sleeping with nothing to let me know but what I've missed doesn't ease the freak out. Not one smidgeon.
I can't wait until I have a companion again assisting me. I miss Erica, but though she still doesn't have a job, she can live as she is. Sigh. I could use more help. I've found I can live alone a lot of the time. Unfortunately the times I can't are due to my illness taking the upper hand. And my body starts behaving as now - it's collapsing.
Maybe my mother is correct and I do need to consider moving into an assisted living situation. Though in researching it I haven't found any that help under 55 or non-alzheimers, etc. Trying to make sure I'm handling things even as small but wearing as finding a missing Netflix DVD that's in a missing pile of papers. Wrecked me finds it even more destructive. I need assistance refilling five prescriptions as well.
Back to the bedroom after making sure to eat, drink, and care for all three animals. Lolita's crying more quietly, but she needs a companion of her own...
Basically I'm resting my ankles that want to scream at me every time I get up. But this right now reminds me of the me I used to be. I've lost a Netflix DVD somewhere and I've searched around where I remember last seeing it with no luck. The interesting thing is how I'm slammed back into past memories and thinking of being in Long Beach. I know my collapse started there, but for a while I've wanted to go back. I miss it and I think that for me the last time I was truly myself was possibly there. At least me for an extended time period.
Damn. I'm not good at looking at my fat ugly self and having these memories and recognizing my utter loss of the self I was. Being fat and covered in bruises and having it hurt to walk around this apartment and yet the doggies must have their time out and with me. Fat is okay. But not for me or on me. I'm just trying my hardest to rope my mental state into a more healthy groove.
Blur does bring positive mental thoughts as does Sondheim. I don't know how I keep afloat even amidst the pull of London and Dublin keeping at me...
Keep thinking of a decade gone past and wondering how did twelve years go streaming and screaming past. Honestly I can't begin to understand. Lolita is trying to turn alpha on me, but as she's not allowed to AND she's hurting me when she tries to climb on me just from her weight - no claws, thankfully my trimming them seems to have ended (for now) that problem. But she goes off and cries when I tell her no and try to force her to chill out by "flattening" her. She gets pissed and I get frustrated. Sigh...
The urge I have is to find one of the cuties I adore and/or love so I can put them either on my couch or bed and crawl into their arms which they will have made into a cavern with their lap so I can feel secure and safe from the outside world and loved by ... Well, I think about Wayne a lot. I wonder about some who mutually drifted away even though a strong attraction may have existed twixt us at a far long ago time.
Love is a bitch of a mistress and has seriously kicked the ever-lovin' shit out of me. As it were.
So do the bills I'm always receiving. Though there's a huge smidgeon of great news. My COBRA account was reinstated with the amount owed sent to me by my ex and paid to them by me the second it cleared.
I thought I had finished paying one of my many doctor bills, including one of whom doesn't accept insurance, but I received a bill today saying I thought wrong. So many prescriptions and copays and so forth. If only the pain didn't rule my life. The pain and the nausea have me enmeshed.
But the mental relief of knowing my health insurance and prescription coverage are reinstated AND paid for is a huge relief as I was terrified. No exaggeration. Just utterly terrified. But relief of that for now relieves me. Will need to contact doctors and such about resubmitting rejected bills and such.
So Shawn also had everything prepared to cover the payments due to COBRA, though it comes out of my alimony now, but that's another entry that won't darken my brow today. The nausea and acid tummy burn and back spasms may grip me in claws cutting right through but I've insurance to make sure my copays don't wreck me.
Whilst I'm capable with things like delivery by Safeway and friends helping me get places once in a while, the truth that people like my mother or Shawn don't understand is that I'm taking care of everything at the expense of what health I have left.
Luckily I have the love of my three sweetlings, MST3K streaming, medication to last another full week, a roof over my head, a new roommate who I'm excited to have assist with his experience arriving on the 15th, and some friends who pop out of nowhere to assist when things get lower than low.
Of course none of that seems to balance in a positive way with the stabbing pain I've got attacking me as badly as last hospital stay in October 2010. Or even as bad as after I "escaped" from their "care."
Really, really bad pain. I'm incapable of doing this for very long by myself. Enjoying listening to my neighbors in the building next to me playing what sounds like bad music but still enjoyable in it's own bizarre way.
Yeah, I would love to live by myself again. If I could. Needing help and care is not fun, no matter what people looking in might think. It sucks and I have no joy in it.
Must try my hardest to get health insurance up and running again as well as my prescription care back as soon as possible.
I definitely desperately need assistance because one thing my mother wrote is sadly true: I need somebody to protect my interests because as my divorce and the paperwork therein show I let Shawn screw me over due to not understanding what it entailed.
Hopefully Carl and Erica can at least put me in the right direction. And maybe use my T.E.N.S. unit to see if it will ease the agony. I look forward to their companionship and I'm lucky that either of them can share time with me right now.
Love, sadly, seems to not be in my future outside of plainly platonic. But that's a whole different post. But my pets give me much love and Feo keeps growing so my aquarium has a huge guy taking it over that's grown gorgeous with every inch added. Pretty. Not loving, but pretty nonetheless.