Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Yeah, I'm Not Sick. I'm Totally Faking...

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Yes, somebody I know wrote that to me. Not directly. It was the underlying belief made clear in everything written to me. You can see my (fat) tummy with a couple of the bruises standing out.

The person who wrote those things also wrote a LOT of things that weren't true and/or made no sense. I'm having a ridiculous dizzy spell and my stomach is covered with bruises and there's either a rash starting or a few bites that are causing a rash-like symptom.

Yeah, my tummy itches and looks not so good. I've got a few shots of my beautiful tummy. Yes, that is me being ironical. Luckily tomorrow I only will have to accept a Safeway delivery and care for the dogs and Lolita, Princess of Goth.

I'm not anemic but a person could easily believe I am due to having bruising all over. The really bad thing is I have no way to get myself cared for if this is a rash I've got starting. Reminds me a bit of how I felt when I came down with the chicken pox in college back in 1988 or so.

Erica wrote she might be able to come stay Sunday through Tuesday. I hope she can. Christie had written she might be capable of sleeping over on Saturday, but I'm waiting for denial or confirmation. She said she hoped we could become friends...I like her so I hope she's sincere.

This MST3K episode is _superb_ and I am loving the jokes. They're causing me to laugh out loud. The "gobble-gobble-gobble" they do is exactly how Brad Bird has E say it in "The Incredibles." Twice so far. Freaking hysterical. The whole of it brings me joy. Even with my itches. And Hercules rocks. The lead bitch in the movie is hot and she's got the best costumes.

Well, I'm itchy and it's midnight and the dogs need outside time before too long and I need to finish my prepping of the kitchen for my Safeway delivery. It's always a wonderment to me that even small chores wear me out so horribly. Stupid autoimmune issues coupled with stupid candida allergies coupled with stupid steroid side effects that also cause problems with those two that make everything worse.

Dogs. Then? Medicinal Streusel and then Ben & Jerry's mint chocolate cookie ice cream and maybe some more MST3K or even some ... Oh gods. Even back then they made a very funny Scientology and Tom Cruise joke. Muppets too! Really great jokes back this far in the MST3K universe.

Friday Has A Mantra:

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I'm a good person, a generous and loving person, a person who has strength beyond appearances. I deserve good things to happen to me and nothing and nobody should try to convince me otherwise.

The home I had and the stability I desire will reoccur for my peace of mind. Nobody has the right to take away the truth to remake it into what they want to believe instead of what they most likely need to face, no matter how ugly.

My pain is real but it does not own me, even if it does effect my life. My nausea and migraines are real as well, but once again they are effective but not ruling. Brin

Thursday Night Feels … Odd

Alone with the animals, feeling unable to eat, worried about health insurance and prescriptions, concerned by the increase in pain as well as even worsening nausea.

There's not very much I can do. Hoping things will start to calm down so I can not feel as though dying in pain and alone is creeping up on me like it feels.

Do I tend to reiterate at such times that I'm scared and having nobody to check in on me shouldn't frighten me as much as it does. But it does. A lot.

The plus right now is my choice of new roommate. I sincerely feel more positive about him than I have others. His age is on the border of instant negation. But his experience in care trumps most of the others who applied. Though I do like the woman who's my age and very matter of fact. Too bad there were some things that came up, but I think I would have chosen as I did anyway.

Thinking and writing I'm finding incredibly difficult so no more for now because this is too difficult with the nausea and dizziness and pain and blurred vision and so on. Going to finish my computer type things and curl around one of my new body pillows.

When there's nobody to comfort you but yourself, pets and pillows and soft blankets can combine to take the place of those missing arms.

Did I Seriously Blackout?!?

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Woke up to a noise and I couldn't believe it. My back screen was closed but the wooden door open. The sun was up and I had (have) a large bump on the side of my head that was not there last night.

I've come close to blacking out a couple of times. Did I black out last night?

Today I spent doing errands, seeing Candice for an extended walk with all three of our dogs, buying necessities from the grocer after next day FedEx-ing the information to IBM COBRA in an attempt to fix what Shawn broke, and effectively destroying what little strength of self I had left.

I am laying down in incredible pain. It just keeps building and layering one on top of the other. No point in crying for assistance.

There are the two whom I'm in contact with and who may take the room and the job of assisting me. But until a choice is made and I have help I can feel and see the dissolution I'm undergoing.

So many bruises on my non-anemic body. To claim need is difficult because nobody likes admitting how weak they are, nor how much help they need when all their life they believed in staying the strong and forthright person of their group(s) of friends.

But with a bruise on the side of my head and a sprained thumb with arthritic feeling fingers and joints going all the way from fingertips to shoulders dropping through the hips to the ankles which hurt too.

Scared? Terrified.

But I have all the pets cared for and fed and filled with the knowledge of my love and protection. Why? Because they almost always come first.

I could use an old friend to visit and catch up with. I'm so worn out and in so much pain I find myself getting worse and I'm hoping against hope that I do get my COBRA account fixed very quickly. The man I spoke with yesterday told me he put it in with emergency markers of some sort.

To suffer is part of life. But I wonder sometimes why. Why was the first half of my life so full of misery? And when things changed for a while I thought it was a form of the universe evening up the boards, so to speak.

But then...now I suffer more and more and fear it like some fuzzy little squeaky animal with no control over it's environment and only wanting a warm, safe, secure place to rest.

Worn out. Utterly. But I have more to handle. This week will wear me down worse than I expected. But I must care for the pets and take things as far as I can.

Using my mix and bread maker, I added a bit of garlic and a bit of basil for trial of taste (the remaining half of the first I gave to Candice), with Candice I took the dogs for a looooooong walk, then later i mailed FedEx next day COBRA requests, and ended by purchasing necessities and pleasurables from Piedmont Grocery.

Now to see about a little food as I have had a yogurt pushing me onward.

Death Defying Stunts (as undertaken by my self)

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Food prepped and in the oven.

Fish tank done first step but it needs more. Later.

Remember medications … NOW … done.

Clean up kitchen enough for delivery.

Lay down and rest as sweat pouring and wheezing lungs are bad signs.

What is ironic is that getting things together caused me to feel too sick to eat and I forgot half the list. I had to save it as a draft so I can come back to it and verify.

And tomorrow I have to drive twice, at least. Once to see my therapist of three plus years, and once to pick up allergy med samples my allergist is assisting me with due to my not having any insurance of any sort including my ever life-giving medications. Actually I need to go to the post office but that's across from Candice's office so that's not a huge add.

So far the fish seem alive and Feo seems fine. So if all remains stable for the next few days, the next part of playing aquarium cleaning catchup is the same again with more attention than even today spent on the detritus covered bottom.

The corn is removed from the oven and the vegetable roast has less than half an hour and the scent is wafting through the apartment. The dogs are satisfied and sated. Lolita seems fine. In other words, I may be absolutely suffering and falling apart but the apartment and all the living beings who I look after are doing quite well and any visitor would find peace, quiet, and crappy "Camelot" (which is terrible).

The pets matter most and first. The food needs removal from the oven. The kitchen still needs cleaning up for the Safeway delivery. Though I could hold delivery off 24 hours which would give me time.

Depends upon how much sleep I get. I have half the documents to send to IBM's COBRA division. Hopefully the remaining half will appear in time and I'll have kept my part handled timely.

Also have to talk to Farmers to finish the claim and see if I can get them to offer me a real actual amount that covers pain, sorrow, and the extra loss of quality of life that their rearending client caused. If not? I would rather not sign anything offering me $150- for what happened. I mean, I was not only in a car accident where two people died, but I've lost several friends to people not paying close enough attention when driving.

The things keep bubbling out of me and I need a break. Back to the kitchen. How I wish I had a roommate tonight. Or better yet, I wish I had a date to cuddle me, try to get me to eat, and to walk my poor stopped up dogs. Tomorrow they're having an adventure with me, Candice, and Luna. A very different type of therapy session indeed! And possibly just what we all need.

Off to the kitchen. I even baked fresh bread. Add to that the corn on the cob baked in it's husk and so on and on...took me enough time that I could take pictures of what nicely oven roasted veggies can look like. I hope to eat a few before or maybe after the dogs last night time walk.

That pause was me scarfing two of the ears of corn and not being in the least humble about how it tasted so wonderful and I'm waiting to see if I can eat my baked veggies. Finally came across something new that works well - the making of Excalibur and how the Lady of the Lake was created. Good visuals for it as well.

Now to finish my Safeway order and to double check what tomorrow entails both socially and medically and so forth.

Once In A While People Surprise

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I'm so incredibly knocked back by the past couple of years. Things healthwise continue to get worse.

My eldest cat, Purrbarella, whom belonged to Shawn in name and to me in heart, died in my arms a few weeks ago. My ex betrayed every bit of trust that I ever gave to him and each week brings a new shock including his behavior leading to my insurance and prescription coverages are both cancelled.

Erica has effectively abandoned her promise to help protect and assist me for a short period of time while I had my search for my new roommate/caregiver. But when I really seriously need her, she pulls the stunt of betrayal by denial that she always does. Why can't I trust anybody? Because those who I love quite often do betray my trust. Paranoia would be if I didn't have the facts backing up these feelings.

And watching the series "Camelot" I'm stunned already by the differences to many of the tales they made this version. Arthur screwing Guinnivere before she marries his first ever champion (not Galahad). Bleagh.

Need to make something easy yet healthy to eat. Roasted veggies may fit the bill. Even this late.

On the plus side: I lost my beloved and precious Kindle yesterday. I found a number I didn't recognize from out of state and the person left a message that was slightly ambiguous but the guy found it and called me and somebody from his construction team will bring it to me tomorrow morning! I had already called the only places it could have been but it must have fallen off my rollator only to be found on the sidewalk or by where my car had been parked.

I told the gentleman he had done more than his good deed of the week in his returning it to me. Granted I wouldn't have lost any of the digital media, but there's the expensive cover with built in reading light and so forth. I'm so pleased about it in multiple ways.

It's 10pm on Tuesday evening. Do any of my friends want to come to my rescue in companionship and watch a movie and eat some of my first ever homemade bread using my first ever breadmaker set up and apparently working just fine!

Okay. Things to do before sleeping:

1. Make food
2. Eat food
3. Watch more dreck
4. Walk dogs before 1am
5. Remember to take meds
6. Send Safeway shopping order in
7. Go through prepping mail for COBRA fix attempt
8. Start aquarium water renovation
9. Finish cleaning fridge for tomorrow

That's more than enough but with no care I have to hurt myself in order to try to keep afloat. There's so many little things that pile up. My illness keeps me from having the ability to do these things without it majorly causing problems for my health. Yet if I let it go, it will only continue in a downward vicious cycle. I have to balance very carefully.

And last but not least the pictures are of my sprained thumb with glaring deep bruise, my first piece of homemade bread (with butter) from my first ever loaf of homemade bread from my first ever bread machine. I used a Fleischmann's Italian Herb mix and it's so freaking EASY. So come to care for me and have a slice or two of fresh baked bread. And then a shot of a person who does far more than she should and far more, in fact, than she safely can manage...

I'm So Scared

I just found out that all my insurance, including prescription coverage, has been cancelled due to lack of payment by the person who swore no matter what, I would be covered.

Since our divorce wasn't finalized until June 20, does this help me or hurt me? What am I supposed to do when he promised I was covered by COBRA no matter what.

But I just found out that I have NO insurance of any type and he's avoiding the fact he was supposed to be paying for it (and I have a Divorce Financial Analyst as well as Erica as others whom he stated this in front of). I'm terrified. What am I going to do?

Does anybody know a great lawyer who can help fix the mess I'm in due to not getting a lawyer and trusting I would have the care he promised me over and over again.

So many people told me to get a lawyer but I couldn't afford one. But I trusted him. I trusted him the whole 12 years and this is what I get in return. I'm sick enough to be hospitalized twice in less than two years. Why would he screw me this badly? Why couldn't he be worthy of my trust? Why would anybody do this to somebody? Especially as sick as I am? Why?