Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

How Offensive & How Sad

Murderer.

Surely it will become outfitted with the descriptive word multiple if current behavior remains constant. My foolishness in trusting her gets shown again when her reaction to a simple and legally motivated no blows up her behavior to where she acts like a teenager being told no by her parents.

I'm sick and in pain and alone except for my pets. It's beyond my understanding how many people say they're meant to be caregivers.

She wanted a description of duties. It was in the ad as bullet points in a list. Clear and clarified. I said she could write something up but by then she had changed her mind. Without telling me.

Suddenly she's become everything I wrote I didn't want. High in both melodrama and maintenance. Seriously.

She came across in her interviews as a pretty straight and slightly uptight person whom I wasn't sure I would get along with.

Turns out she is an alcoholic with extreme stoner issues and regular psychedelic drug use for a 26 year old. Add the melodrama and high maintenance and add her personal attacks that come out of nowhere and her intense rewriting of the past and WOW is she the antithesis of somebody who should be living with anybody she's also supposed to care for.

She ended communication with a complete reversal of last weekend. That was when she asked to borrow money and said she would owe me for it. Today she said I owe her money now. She basically stole from me. As did Rhianna.

I don't want to trust anybody again but I need help urgently due to my incapacity due to my health. So I will need to. But I might die from this. The dizzy spells are getting worse. And the blacking out becoming more of an issue.

I have cash to pay for dog food. And cat food. I am too dizzy to do this safely on my own. To try and drive. To walk the dogs. To see through this haze. It's difficult. Maybe I can move savings to checking to have delivery done tomorrow. Walking -- those faux lawns for dogs in apartments in big buildings in big cities. The big worry is if I can't keep a crisis from happening.

Murderer? Manslaughter once and maybe myself and or my pets. If I get worse. I'm exhausted and it hurts more than I can say with the dizziness not helping.

I can hope for help from helping hands who see the truth of the need. And listen to Sondheim for the truth he lays bare in musicals like "Sundays" or "Company." And hope for a friend to offer help getting the pets fed and cuddling while watching movies tonight.

Tonight.

If I wasn't sick I wouldn't need to ask. I wish I could feel healthy enough to go buy the dogs and the cats food and afterwards I would still feel okay. I can hope and wish. For no more dizzy spells. For the ability to easily care for my pets. I'm so saddened by ... well, everything these past couple weeks.

I've had a divorce I didn't want forced on me. Also in a state that I don't live in and didn't want done there. My nurse cat died. My newest caregiver turned out to be a mistake. We gave notice at the same time. Only she only gave me three days notice.

I have no help and no care and nobody in this entire planet gives a rats ass. Doesn't that make the claim you're good untrue? It is untrue. I feel the worst about the dogs.

I'm Foolish

If I'm so sick I need more care than I say I do than how can you justify leaving me with no help at all?

Either I need the care I say I do and that is spelled out in my Craigslist ad (for example), which is quite a bit but has been considered okay when some person has applied for the room/job. Then, twice now but each time under very different situations, I am begged for the room/job only to suddenly have the other person change their mind about the worth of the room vs the hours needing help. There is the same list. No changes. But suddenly...

Nothing changes. There has been no nights where they couldn't go out. There have been no interruptions with either outside work and/or school. So?

Never raised my voice, never kept them from a date, or having friends over, or going over to their friend's. Everything outside of their food is paid for. Rent and utilities and phone (even to Europe) and video games and movies and Internet and fax ... all paid for. If I am upfront and don't lie and have all of my side documented than why do I keep getting screwed?

Either I'm more sick and you prove your lack of capability as a caregiver by leaving me to collapse alone OR I'm as sick as I say and need only as much help as I say and you prove your lack by abandoning me needing what help you responded to showing your blindness to actual hurt and need.

My laundry ended up stinking and needing to be done again. She never changed my sheets. She screwed me over majorly. Amazing how that pretty face and body encase somebody that has a truly ugly nature. I've made a fool of myself by accepting her begging me with the great feedback that should have warned me. Pretty outside and ugly in. :-(

More Change Of A Sudden Nature

Candice and I are on the same page; I sent her a two week notice this morning. She hadn't received it when she just came in to give me THREE DAYS NOTICE.

I'm so sick of people who ask me for the chance to help because of their "innate caregiver capabilities" who turn out to not only not have any of any real capability but also betray their lack of care by, oh, say planning on leaving behind my back even when I've told them I would give them tons of time of notice. I am not trusting what the other person says when I interview them.

But this maybe is a good thing. I had already written to Erica to ask her for help. She's been the best of anybody, and not just because she's my friend. Unlike others, including my ex-husband, she recognizes illness and need of help. Not just with me, but with others too.

Anyway, as of now I don't have a caregiver and as of Saturday the apartment is "all mine" again. Unless Erica chooses to assist me utilizing the outline I created for my Craigslist ad. Which hasn't changed. I was foolish to not do a more thorough check on Candice. Her alcoholism and regular drug use is normal for a Bay Area 26-year-old. But it makes for a shitty living situation which can lend itself to abuse.

Next time I try this: Over 30, past professional experience in care, vegetarian, dog owner or dog lover, capable of stability, no high drama/high maintenance types, quiet and peaceful, everything the last two hid from me and would have kept me from choosing them I will make damn sure to keep from having in my life.

Gods, the fact it's not even two hours a day and she fucking had the gall to make nonsensical attacks: the apartment is not worth the money, for instance. Yet it was fucking fantastic when she came the second time and told me point blank how much she wanted to be the chosen person.

And it really makes me angry that she started all this after I wouldn't just give her the car to use. That's when she stopped giving any care outside of the bare minimum for the dogs and my morning yogurt. Yeah, fifteen minutes MAX every morning to give me a yogurt and a medication pill. That's it. The fifteen minutes is if you add in the dog's care.

I'm upset and I'm angry and I'm glad I gave her appropriate notice because I'm less of a backstabbing cunt than she is. Hah. I'm so motherfucking sick I can't make good choices. I would have picked the other woman, but she backed out since she felt she might have to leave to go care for her Mom. That made it easier. Which, stupid me, should have warned me off.

On that note I will just say that maybe living helpless by myself will be good for me. The state may end up having to assist me if I end up hospitalized again due to this. Which, I'm afraid to say, is highly likely.

Though there's always hope that this will kill me. Then she can have two on her conscience.

I have Lolita, Ein and FP to keep me company.

I just changed the phone plan so she could call her sister for free in Germany. That's how "bad" a roommate I am and hints at how much the actual worth of my side of the trade ended up.

My cat died yesterday. Adrenal crisis? Yes, please! Just keep piling up everything...

I'll be okay...somehow. And of course I had a ton of responses last time. I'll interview a LOT more than two next time...

It Hurts So Much & I'm So Sad

Lolita, Princess of Goth has realized something major -- Purrbarella's not here in the apartment and that isn't right or normal.

Purrbarella died in my arms at the vet hospital this afternoon. I got out of bed to head to the bathroom and noticed her laying flat on the floor. I picked her up and she didn't respond. Not even to her name.

I got assistance from my next door neighbor getting her to the vet. At first they thought it was a diabetic shock case.

Suddenly she started to die and they let me in back to whisper in her ear all the positive words she knew as I pet her and she recognized me for a minute before the drug to ease her out of the pain took her and the convulsions didn't stop for almost five minutes after her heart had stopped.

I loved Purrbarella so very very much...

She's Dead : Purrbarella RIP

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I need to put together a photographic memorial from the huge collection I built up from when we originally got her.

I'm devastated by my loss. Purrbarella loved me in the most wonderful way and to lose her, in any way, never mind this one, hurts and Femme Pois does love me as much, but it's different.

They found diabetes and fluid around her lungs. There was no chance. Once she started slipping it just kept accelerating until I ended up holding her gently and whispering the words I know she equated with the most positive verbal feedback from me so she opened her eyes before she slipped into unconsciousness and I saw her recognize me, the words, and she didn't die alone in the vet room.

She and I loved one another, never mind my allergy to cats. I don't know how to feel now that our first baby died. I feel nauseous of course but I've got a mental nausea on top too. I did not get her ashes, but I'm getting a paw print from the vet and I'm getting her salmon pink back bunny paw done as a special request.

I'm shaking. If any friends want to hold me or distract me, please feel that I welcome your companionship. I can't believe my nurse cat baby sweetling is dead. I feel so much pain on top of the usual. I loved Purrbarella. The loss is still too much for me to understand or take in.

Please HELP!?!

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I need help desperately to get Purrbarella as fast as possible to the veterinarian. She isn't moving and I'm afraid she's dying and I need help getting her to the vet. I need help either driving my car or at least helping me get her there by carrying the crate to the car and to the vet from the car.

Please, oh please help me. I'll pay BART fare if that will help you get to us here. Please help.

Taking Some Advice...

I'm looking to move to Amsterdam for health reasons.

If anybody has a room for rent or even an entire flat, knows somebody that might make a good part-time caregiver, likes dogs, especially small non-yappy ones that give love unconditionally and are very well-trained etc, I'm putting things together to leave the States for a place with a more enlightened view of health care.

I would still do Dignitas but somebody I know said I would be better off handling my situation in Amsterdam. I'll need to get in touch with their Embassy. Find a place to live. Sell all the furniture. Get the cats to Shawn. Settle things with my landlord as I seriously attempt to make this really happen.

The pain is worse than most people can grasp. It's worse than even an apparently bright young woman can understand. Having an alleged caregiver behave like a spoiled child is the negative aspect of my situation. I think I need to not live with a caregiver in exchange for rent. I think I need to apply for care from the state and in the meantime try living with a friend again until I can start the process for legal termination. And I need to start the legal process to terminate as soon as this pain burst passes...

There isn't anybody to trust to help me do this. Though if I have any friends with space and/or time - please assist me if you can. Please.

I'm oh so tired of this

Why can't I find a nice normal person to live with? Now Candice is pissed off at me & like Rhianna she's drinking too much and asking for too much too fast and I'm stuck being a bad guy because my insurance isn't set up for her to just take my car whenever she wants.

So I'm sick enough from going out with her yesterday that I've lost my voice and she is angry with me for daring to say no to her unfair request. We've only lived together a short while for one thing, she's not covered if I'm not in the car for another, she's not taking care of her chores, and I'm just over it.

I'm sick of trusting people with my credit and my bank account and my private information only to end up regretful. I don't go out blindly searching and begging. Rhianna asked me for the opportunity. So did Candice when I interviewed her the second time. I'm foolish and I could use a friend and Lolita, Princess of Goth is wandering the halls crying for Erica or Shawn.

I need to finish writing my outline of what the chores are and figure out if Candice should move on if getting me water when I've lost my voice is too fucking much to ask. Need cold flu medication. But little miss perfect won't be going since I can't lend her my car. Or at least that's the impression she has left me with.

I'm sad and in pain and dammit if I'm not a good candidate for legally assisted suicide due to my ever increasing pain levels and my lack of a home life where I'm necessary or indeed even a place in the world where I can fit...all of it still leads me to fulfilling my desire for legally assisted moving on, as it were.

Any real honest to goodness help in achieving my long intended goal of legally shuffling off this mortal coil will see me grateful and I'm pulling together the necessary funds as I'm aware of the high expense. Any help is serious in easing me from this almost never ceasing pain and nausea. Family, therapist, ex-husband, several close friends: All know and if approve is the wrong word, let me say they know and understand and would help if they knew how. This is not a hidden goal in my life.

Please help. The pain is bad enough. The nausea and stomach pain makes it unbelievably worse. And the loss of my beloved husband to divorce and my inability to find a decent caregiver so far has pushed my limits far past what my death offers me. I want release from this pain and nausea and my life has come to a point where only ending it offers me any hope.

Only assisted legal suicide offers me hope. Any help is all I want. If you can't understand or don't agree I seriously don't need to hear from you. Your view is the normal knee-jerk reaction that is selfish and ignores all I'm suffering from and through. Don't harass me with your choice for your own life. I've heard it enough.

There Isn't Any Point

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I love my sweet things, my gorgeous pets, my beloved babies.

There's no more room for both my attempts at maintaining my reality in a healthy manner. I can only regress into sorrow in an attempt not to fall into panic attack non stop.

Don't fear what can and often will take over from what you thought would bring joy and delight.

If I would pay you $5K USD to put me to sleep forever - anesthetize me safely, without pain or fear, in order to take me away forever from this pain, could you do it? Knowing you had my wish, my family's, my ex-husband's, my therapist, and so forth...could you set me free at my request? Money as added incentive to do it safely and in no way to hurt me.

The money, the proof of those in support of this path to ease any fear of wrong doing you might have. If it could happen tonight, believe me, I would do everything in my power to cause it to occur.

Affection in the form of salted nutty chocolates, ice cream, and sitting up to hold me while I cry as the night continues on as the need for warm hugs support also continues on.