Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

It's Officially Official Now

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I'm legally divorced as of today.

Feeling sick to my stomach even a lot more than usual. On top of the nausea and pain and fear there I rest uneasily as minutes tumbling after all...

Divorced. Officially. Nobody came forth with gifts of lawyers so I gave in to most everything out of pure desire to let the ending come. My heart feels most battered and saddened. Time must continue on.

I wasn't ready for this.

Pets and pets friends and friends pets try to help take the sting out of a sodding miserable day. The adrenal crisis is too much to handle.

Pathetic

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The pain is bad enough to cause tears and whimpering from the pathetic being known as me.

Today I had too many chores and I'm ashamed to say that it's fine to say I need a lawyer to assist me in my divorce but I don't have the money and I'm having to trust promises. So I'm laying here in severe pain, wishing I had remembered to ask Candice to give me a steroid booster shot before she passed out.

The night sweats are increasing as is the stabbing pain in my stomach. I'm laying in bed just wishing this would ease up even a small bit. To be blunt: today was fairly horrid and I can't take too many of them before full adrenal crisis occurs. Candice apologized for her part in it and I of course accepted and apologized in turn. But I'm still rocked by it to an extent that is physical.

Minnie, the new pup in town, has started to fit in to the house. Tonight she even came into my room and jumped up on not only the chair, but also my bed! Shocking actually. I think them all going on walks together helps and maybe the fact the five of us went on the walk to the notary helped her see how she fits in.

The combination of tears pouring down coupled with a semi-serious dehydration feeling occurring just lies under the stabbing pain in which I'm surrounded. Luckily I spent a ridiculous amount on new edibles from the medicinal shop Candice and her paying charge usually visit.

I've got medicinal honey for tea and garlic butter for light sauté since they have actual measures. We have a plan to eat some medicinal pizza, followed by a homemade double creme Brie with caramelized onions and lightly sautèed crimini and baby Bella mushrooms. An old favorite of mine to make with people. Savory medicinals are wonderful.

A large slug of Nystatin to help combat the candida attack in my mouth and esophagus. I want the pain to ease up. I want to just rest and recover. Need to see my therapist, the first Candice of the two in my current life. Need that and some other things. I feel so lost and drowning in this state.

On a plus side, I may have a financial boost that's enough to go down either one of the two very different paths I've got in my mind as possibilities. That doesn't help in any way except in the hope it offers.

No Matter What We're Always Alone

The sorrow is rising above to a point where I feel absolutely alone and mourning as everything cracks up around me and to have and to hold means more than anybody I know is aware.

Tears ravaging my skin as it courses down the worn grooves. I think life is too complicated for my worn out self to handle and I'll need a steroid shot against my beaten self. If I had a soul I would beat it to death before it had to suffer even one more day like this.

Uglier than I can stand to see in a mirror, I hide from the truth I see when I look in. Maybe I should try to fix my mattress rather than buy a new one. Maybe something miraculous will occur to free me from this pain and yet I know full well these tears are more real than anything other than the migraine flaring up.

Need medical care money for things such as an improved mattress, a hospital bed tray, a Volcano, and other medical sides that help somebody trapped in bed and in pain. I am suffering so I'm off to try and rest. And to try to care for my mental and physical health so I can look over divorce papers I have no desire to sign. In fact the situation I find myself in infuriates me. Being forced every step of the way has me angered and wanting to fight for my belief and desire. Instead I'm always expected to give in and just say okay to whatever the second party of the first part insists.

The pain wins.

We Do What We Can

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Femme Pois' under the comforter, pushed up against my leg, but Lolita, Princess of Goth has gone off, leaving me with my other three.

The pictures are from today and Monday. Candice has yet to have a lesson in assisting me, but as roommates we seem to be settling in quite nicely. Her dog, Minnie, is having a difficult time transitioning in. I've been beyond sick. Not fun.

The stress levels have been shooting out of the readable meter. Just shredding me mentally. To say I need help would be an understatement. Heck, I need cuddles and love. I need a lot of things I don't think I'll ever get (again?) in my life.

Enough of my sadness. I've got an apparently awesome new caregiver/roommate, pets who love me and are all vaccinated properly, a roof over my head, and a tentative understanding with Shawn that needs work for completion. And Devo playing on iTunes while I curl into a ball.

Why get married? Company? Going to watch the Sondheim musical about it again. Absolutely love it.