Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Portrait Photos in Style For Posterity

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Life as seen be an invalid living most of her life on her bed, in her bedroom with her pets.

Thirteen images for good luck. I've got stomach stabbing and reflux and exhaustion. There's beauty in the tiny things as much as the giant. Even with Ein kicking at me in her slumber.

You Try and Try To Trust But Everything is Just Dust

Today started fine. Caregiver/roommate came in and did the morning "chores" and I asked her about stuff and then told her to go back to sleep.

So when she later accused me of, oh I don't really know - I guess of interfering with her need for sleep, I told her to stop trying to start fights, because her new behavior stood out stark.

She didn't do any of my laundry, hasn't done it in weeks. She claimed she had to wait for FedEx/UPS and so that had been her work apparently which comes across as utter bull and I'll place it under self delusion gently. Never mind my trusting her with my credit card only to have her not make her payment on time. I hadn't used the card in years so the onus lay on her as we had agreed.

She left me for almost the whole of the day today. Her communication skills leave much to be desired. It was fine for us as friends, but as my caregiver and/or roommate it drives me slightly bonkers. She stated she knew before she moved in that her rent was pay for her care. As it should be. Part-time is between 25-35 hours a week. I look around my home and see the lack of care and know I've been foolish to trust again.

And so with the list of problems growing larger I know the sooner I'm free of my current living situation, the better off all Involved will be. I love those in my life, and will do what I can to stop any furthering of dishonor that may have started. Divorce of all kinds is ugly. I just want lots of hugs - is that too much to ask?

I would love better communication skills and care and no more feeling I have to hide and literally suffer fear of fights from misunderstandings that will keep me hiding in my room with my face toward the wall. Just think of happy things dear self...

You Can Hide For Only So Long Before...pftui...

The pain has been moderate to exceptional of late. If anybody was here I might request a steroid shot to help ease the strain I'm going through and ease any adrenal crisis that's possibly going on.

Don't have anybody I feel close enough to share what I'm struggling with, mentally. Friends, acquaintances, pen pals, sure. But a person for me to just say "Come over and hold me for an hour or two, please? Just mutual care, comfort, and company. I write "just" when it's much more than that.

The light as the sun drops slowly is mesmerizing as it's the perfect golden light - it appears as though somebody set up a perfect lighting rig the way it's all reflected so perfectly that it appears fake. I took a minute to imagine a model out there for me to shoot in this perfect light.

Tears, dammit. Again the damned tears. I'm dehydrated yet my body still can shed the damned salt water from my eyes. The constant pain helps rather than hinders that. I feel beyond help at such moments. There's much to think of. Most of it far too overwhelming for me to pick my way through and organize.

There's one good thing: I'm paying off a few debts, catching all my doctors up, and making sure to have a month of rent in savings in order to move my way forward in my hope to have Stanford's Pain Clinic take me on and in as a patient. A second good thing is my new caregiver moves in June 4th. A third is vaccine catching up for all four pets. I have so many bad, but figuring out the good, no matter how small, is quite an effort. Especially when the pain seems to rule over everything else.

The cold night wind has started to pick up. The knife of pain hits my shoulders as it teases by cutting into my spine and shoulder blades. So lucky.

I Need Primal Therapy Now!

The pain is bad. Truly bad. And with the tears streaming intermittently yet soaking and with pain hitting rarely gone after points within my back and chest and toes and so on....I'm just feeling incredibly alone and even forsaken.

When I'm this dizzy and in pain I can't think clearly. The pain hits me and I get confused. My iced toes ... And then a few fugue hit. Must put this down and try to pull my aching crying worn out in pain

Little Trembles...

Well, that one shook the bed enough that both Purrbarella and Femme Pois reacted. It was strong enough to shiver the bed, but short enough that none of the three of us felt we should get somewhere perhaps more safe and secure.

I'm trembling and shaking all over, myself, but that's due to me attempting to do too much (like the idiot I am) and ending up with nothing accomplished but the complete dissolving of what little strength I do have into nada quite complete.

And having worn what little energy I have left out in a bath I'm collapsing until tomorrow...

The Future Is Upon Us

Rhianna found a place to live and thus a new caregiver need must be found soon to come reside with me.

A dog lover at minimum - with a small one of their own if needs must.

To make life easier I think a vegetarian might be happier in the situation since all cookware, silverware, and plates have never been touched by meat and I keep the house veggie. Part of the problem is I have a very high scent sensitivity and meat/fish can cause completely debilitating nausea.

Somebody who either has lived with somebody who was as sick. more or less, as myself or who has experience caring for people with semi-debilitating illnesses.

June 1st or July 1st. Rent & utilities in exchange for care and assistance.

The room is pretty and fairly good-sized and the neighborhood is central and quiet

The things to do?

A list of what I need in an assistant/helper:

• Schedule doctor appointments

• Run errands such as food shopping, the medicinal dispensary, and picking up necessities.

• Make certain I eat at least two times a day. Cook for me (very easy due to my light diet), make sure I have plenty of water, and keep track of my eating.

• Make certain I take my medications and make sure that my patches are handled properly.

• Wash the cats around every six weeks as I'm allergic, they're used to it, and don't scratch.

• Keep track of my medications. Drop off and pick up filled prescriptions. Fill medication pill box once a week.

• Take me to doctor appointments. Help keep track of doctor visits, questions, med changes, etc.

• Help keep apartment clean.

• Do laundry bi-weekly

• Keep track of my pain levels.

• Scoop dirty cat litter daily.

• Take out garbage & recycling as needed.

• Walk the dogs three times a day and feed them twice a day.

Exhaustion And Ex-exuberance

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I'm getting quite desperate for money to pay for my pets necessary vaccinations and such. Today I spent what I thought would go toward their shots on their food and litter. Of course I've got them set for a month on all that now but unless I can sell even one or two items I'm stuck and in trouble.

I've got this post: http://mollyblack.posterous.com/more-for-sale-electronics-collectibles which has some things, but I've always got more. My iPod Touch 4 (32gigs) with extras in original box is still unsold. As is the TomTom GPS. I'm seriously considering selling my PowerBook which has a brand new hard drive as well as optical. I'm definitely selling the blue iMac. Prices are set but I'm keeping them in the equivalent of blue book value.

$250
$99
$1200
$250

Local sale only unless I know you and cash or verified Paypal only as well... :-)

One Side Cats & One Side Dogs

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I'm surrounded by my loving pets. They sometimes seem to know when things are bad for me inside. Right now I'm having a very bad ibs attack that's from the top to the bottom and back. Is it any wonder I hate eating?

This pain causes cold sweat attacks that coincide badly with the sweat spells I've started having regularly. To mention the disabling pain as icing is incorrect. The pain is the base all else is built on.

I'm surrounded by my belovèd four babies. I've got music playing to help distract which is suitable proof I'm in a bad state. To have somebody to cradle me and even knowing it won't help the pain it at least will assist me mentally, even more than the cats and dogs do.

The idea of being loved and protected still makes passes through my thoughts and dreams. Yay for cats, dogs, music, and science fiction. And for my friends.

Pain really overwhelming in pulsation form. Yet I manage to breathe through the difficulty of doing so. My throat has felt restricted for days which on top of my other symptoms frightens me, but I have nobody to confide in right now. The old story of lonely in a crowd though I've no crowd.

It could be much worse - but I hope it gets better instead. If I believed in any sort of higher power now would be the time for me to beg...instead I'll listen to Massive Attack and let the tears stream down my face..."you could put your arms around her..." ("Protection")

I hope the pets photos bring smiles. "I'll stand in front of you and take the force of the blow - protection." Never forget that I mean it and it will always boil down to my final truth.