Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Ever So Tricky...

I can't get the rest I need and I'm using my pillows and legs to jam my body so as to avoid getting more nausea and pain and maybe even get some decent sleep.

There's nothing repetitive in tonights body trouble. Just new ones mixed with old. I especially love the sweat/extended heat flashes mixed in with nausea-induced burps and acidic air taking over my esophagus.

Dizzy spells where everything gets all wavery as well as sweaty and so forth.

Purrbarella is laying on me in such a way as to make doing away with her a lot easier than trying to gently maneuver my legs around her AND Femme Pois, and the dog has definite land claim rights...

Had to get a little demanding for space of my own. And now to hope rest comes and rests me. Though I'm hearing a negatory response from my internals.

And on the note of terror just evinced I had Purrbarella ready to throw up on my feet, but she jerked me out of my five-second slumber in time to get her off my feet, off the bed, and on to the smidgeon of viewable carpet I have. Of course. To get her on to the hard wood floors is asking far too much of the universe.

And to finally close my babble machine. My communicator is ready to rest.

All you can do is try

The noises get to me at the strangest times. Tonight I overheard a motorcycle high revving its engine in that tone you normally only hear at Indy 500 type events.

For some reason the scream of the engine really flipped me back in time to a memory I've apparently blocked. But it won't let me think in a non-anxious way so I'm laying here trying to sort through why while still feeling off-balance.

I have far too many things worrying me (and for good reasons they worry me) and I need a break which is why I suppose I keep passing out for huge amounts of time. It's related to sleep, but it all boils down to my brain and body needing serious respite and taking it.

Too much to think about and it's well past my bedtime. Which spins my thoughts toward sleep schedules and then on to hospital schedules. They told me at Stanford that I would have to work very hard if they accepted me as an intake patient. I'm terrified of the cost, but I'm more afraid they'll end up rejecting me. Money, debts, pain, nausea, divorce, etc all add up to me in a psychological mess. After I triple check with insurance I need to see Candice asap.

Now to read a little more sci-fi before heading back to the land of slumber before a new day that will hopefully see some things cleared up so a worry or two will ease up.

Hot Flashes, Oh My!

Severe pain keeping me awake against my will. But it definitely has me near tears as I basically just lay-down and let this series of emotions keep shattering me.

The nausea and the pain repeating the chicken and the egg over and over in my head.

What would I give for a deep hug that never wants to let go again? I don't know. <-->

Current as of 8pm Friday --> But any friends who want to come snuggle on my bed while watching a movie or two are very welcome and even desired.

Company and cuddles, especially after such a long day, are requested by me. Now. Please?

A Day Out For Doctors & Fresh Air

(download)

Stanford Pain Clinic first. Carl drove me and Rhianna to my appointment so I could not miss it. Thankfully!

After a very long appointment I have hope that the clinic will accept me as an intake patient. Nothing could be more what I want. Not only me, but every friend who knows how sick I am and how much help I need.

Went to Chipotle afterward to get protein and sun and to listen to a hurdy-gurdy man before heading back home.

Money is incredibly tight and if anybody has any ideas of how I can pull together funds, please advise! Thinking that I have enough collectibles to put together some donation raffles. Neil Gaiman knows friends of mine - I wonder if asking Claudia for assistance in promotion might work since a few collectibles were made by friends of NG.

Anyway, this could lead to not total loss of pain, but they think they may be able to lessen it and that's a strand of hope I don't want to give up if I don't have to. And yes, they even know about Dignitas and so on. I was completely honest because I want help to combat this nightmare and Stanford right now seems my best bet.