Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Only Stand So Much Before Dismissal

Oh I've tried and I've tried and all it ever ends with is a series of voices telling me to get a lawyer to protect myself from the one person I never thought I couldn't trust. Only to have the cycle repeated.

It amazes me how I keep finding myself pulled in with my thoughts full of love and trust only to have the same issues crop up that causes the chorus of "You need a lawyer to protect yourself from somebody who has nothing but their own self interest at heart," to start up again.

It's funny that my crying brings Femme Pois to my side no matter where she is when I start. Tonight she came in so quietly that I didn't sense her until she was already by my side. She came in so quietly her claws against the wooden floors or the sound of her coming up yhe pet stairs didn't alert me. Not until she was by my feet, non-verbally asking permission to come and lick the tears streaming down my face did either of us know she had heard and come to comfort. She's on my left arm now. Purrbarella is on my other side, currently watching the aquarium.

My medical bills are large yet still grow. And if all goes well with Stanford's "Pain Clinic" there will be more bills and prescriptions and if I'm worthy of admittance that's more to add to my hospital bills of June 2009 and October 2010. Bills that Shawn has gone against the original DFA breakdown submitted by him that he now repudiates and adds to my debt/bills pile - a pile he keeps adding to. A financial monstrosity looming higher and larger and more frightening each time he adds to it.

I've no way to help myself escape this continual worsening behavior so the chorus sings out, from all sides, that I'm too sick to handle affairs of such import by myself and an attorney is much needed. Not only my illness but also my one-sided love causes me to need outside and impartial help at such a major juncture of my life.

Unrequited affection alone might be enough, but add everything up and it magnifies so the whole becomes much more than the sum. Sort of like how FP shivers like mad on my arm, but just adding the right amount of blanket stops it without her notice. But it has to be just right or no end to her shivers. No - that doesn't equate in the manner I hoped. But the base truth still exists.

I put my heating blanket away too soon. I'll replace it tomorrow. And maybe he'll come around and realize my medical expenses are higher than he counted and that covering past due bills that fell under his jurisdiction don't suddenly become mine just because he says so. And I really hope he didn't take the insurance check to pay the ambulance bill and spend it on other things. Because that bill still is HIS no matter what. I trusted him with that check and have emails somewhere saying over and over to make sure he used that check properly by paying the ambulance company - who sent me another bill for it.

Another reason for the chanting chorus...

Passion for a Past; A Pastime Possibly?

I've thought and thought and thought some more and I wish we could go back to Long Beach to the two-bedroom together.

If I could pick where to try to pick up the pieces in order to save what matters most to me I think that our lives there are where we could do a sort of working reset.

Knowing what I do now maybe we could fix what we would fail to fix this timeline so our love could be saved, my health could be prepared for, and the worst of our mistakes not occur with our 20/20 hindsight helping with our preparation.

To know about my future health problems would change so much! To know some of our missteps might mean we could sidestep at least a few.

But all this fantasy does me no good in reality. I'm struggling against a very bad candida attack from my belly to my mouth. There's no more real reality than this pain I never seem to lose no matter what my doctors try. And my marriage is over no matter what I may hope for so far as that goes, too.

The pain keeps increasing with no outlet for escape from it. Drinking iced water and remaining curled up in bed to rest my body, I consider what future do I really have? What way to turn from pain unceasing and increasing?

The mail must be sorted.
The BPAL scents must be posted to sell.
Saturday I lose my house for ever.
Too much loss coupled with so much pain means naught but a desire for consolation overwhelms me at the moment.

3am…

Ein just shoved my leg over as far as she could and now I'm definitely pushed between her and Purrbarella, with FP at the top, by my thighs. Oh I may be in horrendous pain complicated by nausea and so forth, but I have some unconditional love keeping me company.

I'm doing what I can to not collapse.

There's too much

I'm feeling quite in need of a person or two to hold me in their arms and protect me from the frightful world. I've got a Femme Pois under covers on one side with a Zweite Ein lying stretched out next to us both. And Purrbarella lays next to me on the other side.

If only I didn't have so much to fear at the moment. But I do. And it's an honest fear with no melodrama about it.

Can only hope that there will be peace? Love incapacity ...

More for Sale - Electronics & Collectibles

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Due to financial needs, changes at home, and new phone service I'm selling top-notch electronics and a whole series of collectibles I never thought I would part with.

More photos can happily and easily be taken for serious inquiries.

Please note the links to my other sales at the bottom of this post, and share this if you can to help me clear my closets and bookshelves and even my storage space.

• iPod Video 30 Gig, no blemishes, headphones, protective case, no box, $100- plus shipping. Paypal verified buyer with verified address or local sale only.

• iPod Touch 4, 32 Gig, like new condition, headphones, protective skins, original box, $250 plus shipping. Paypal verified buyer with verified address or local sale only.

• Blue iMac with well-worn exterior but a well-working interior. Comes with keyboard and mouse and a freshly "scrubbed" OSX or OS9 for starting out new. $300- with no shipping - local sale only. Cash or Paypal payment only.

• BPal imps and one numbered limited run statuette paired with full-size scent. Imps $5-/each and collectible statue/scent $125- plus shipping.

• Collectible art table "Poppet" design by Lisa Snelling of Neil Gaiman/Warren Ellis collaboration "fame." One-of-a-kind, excellent condition, $300, prefer local sale with no shipping.

Much more still to sell but I have difficulties getting everything sorted properly for listing. My washer-dryer set is still available, as is an inexpensive desk left by my ex and a very nice (but pricey) dining table and chairs set with an extender - all real wood and gorgeous. The latter two need to be photographed and measured for me to be able to post them.

http://mollyblack.posterous.com/scores-of-scores-a-collectible

http://mollyblack.posterous.com/sale-pasties-labrette-jewelry-silver-set

http://mollyblack.posterous.com/serious-book-sale-im-seriously-selling-these

http://mollyblack.posterous.com/oh-im-selling-everything

Flu & Victorian Etiquette

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So I have the flu and I'm croaking and squeaking whenever I try to talk. It's funny sounding but has also caused havoc on my week.

Had to cancel my therapist and my allergist appointments for this week. I'm having bad dizzy spells, but I'm not too too bad. Just sort of very bad.

Reading "The Essential Handbook of Victorian Etiquette" and preparing to watch Rene Clair's version of Agatha Christie's "And Then There Were None." Listening to Erica's hysterical laughter, only to discover that Lolita, Princess of Goth, has been put into a harness so we can see about training her to walk on a leash. She wants to be a dog so much, she's actually handling the restraint quite well.

The book of etiquette had few surprises until about half-way in. Now I'm learning some interesting things.

Even this sick I've a few things to excite me. Somebody helped me get _the_ gift for my birthday I desperately wanted _and_ I spoke with T-Mobile about switching one of these three things: my phone, my service plan and my provider. Since I'm able to leave them with no penalty fees I have to decide between the Mytouch, the Optimus, or changing to Verizon. There's a bit of a price difference but I'm going to think about it tonight and possibly order tomorrow. We shall see.

I definitely want to get over this flu asap, and I definitely want the settling in to finish. I've not really written about it, but Rhianna has moved in and taken over the caregiver "reins" from Erica. Erica's crashing with us while she looks for a sublet. So far it's going okay. The transitioning definitely has some rough spots, but it's seemingly going to be for the best. At least for me. Rhianna says for her as well. As for Erica? I love her incredibly, but I know we both needed to have her no longer acting as my caregiver. It was destroying our friendship. Sigh...

Yeah, I'm sick but there's always mutation!

Watched season "Five" of Futurama and loved it. The episodes with the "Eyephone" and Devo were excellent, in particular. Yay for Netflix streaming on my 360.

Tonight I used my birthday gift from Mutant & Marielle toward buying a frog shaped humidifier and replacement grow bulbs for my Aerogarden.

I let Shawn have my old but sturdy and multi-gallon humidifier with the proviso that if I needed to replace it, there would be no problem with his "chipping in." Well, Rhianna, my new live-in caregiver, says I most definitely need one set up and soon.

My totem animal is the frog, with a lizard being next. Shawn's is the crow, with the platypus sort of being his secondary (at least in my eyes) and one I would love to claim as third in my totem line.

Perhaps my coverup tattoo should still be Cthulhu based, but have the three integrated somehow.

Anyway. I'm ultra-sick with whatever is going round. Rhianna and Erica both have it too. That didn't stop Erica from giving a hands on real world demonstration of how to wash the pets. I now have freshly washed dogs and cats. And Rhianna has found a new monthly chore that's fun for humans!

I'm hopefully finding out this week whether or not I may have something other than esophageal candida. My allergist has hopes he may have discovered that I have an odd, not often seen, alternative problem attacking me.

Other than that I'm trying to take it easy. Decided to extend the lease another year - moving and stress and all that is unnecessary since the home is finally starting to get settled down. It's relieving to feel at least a little stability. Now I just need my health to improve, my music gear here and working, and to get shooting again...oh, and to start the YMCA swimming to get started as per doctor(s) orders.

Actually a lot more than that, but I can start with the core...

I've Baked Quiche & other images

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Quiche: Six eggs, two cups soy milk, 1/3 cup good brandy, Australian aged cheddar, Brie, pepper jack soy cheese, and sautéed Portabello mushrooms, creamy potato and faux Porcino sausage. Two pre-made pie crusts. 350° for 45 minutes.

Tomato plants: Seeds a gift from Chip. Need a replacement bulb as one burned out.

Scores of Scores & a Collectible

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For sale:

• J. S. Bach - Magnificat D Major

• Igor Stravinsky - Five Easy Pieces For Piano Duet

• Igor Stravinsky - Three Easy Pieces For Piano Duet

• Lou Harrison - Symphony On G Full Score

• Richard Strauss - Till Eulenspiegel Op. 28

• Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart - Don Giovanni - Complete Orchestral and Vocal Score

• Gilbert & George - HOPE handcolored photographs, framed 1984 Fridge Magnets from the Tate Museum in mint condition in original packaging - collectible

All reasonable offers considered. Mail USPS Media or Priority. Paypal or cash.

The tokens left by the dead

They surround my heart
They surround my head

I'm surrounded by the tokens of the dead I have known, cared about and loved.

Organizing things to sell I come across my past, which I can also consider dead. Though at times lately it seems the past was so full of life that in my time of darkness that it buoys me up with rushes of remembrance.

1987 I started to become my own person and not the construct. I tried to grow in all ways positive. I failed and yet didn't.

Seeing what my illness and my changes has done to me on a purely physical level - I almost wish I could shout "Do over!" and find myself on my way to London in 1997. Would I go to the concert with Eartha's help again?

Knowing what I do of the changes wrought in my true love that have made him somebody I fear and do not trust, would I give up that perfect bliss?

I doubt he loved me truly. I fear he thought he knew what love meant, only to find that when it came time for hospitalization and pain and nausea so severe that he could not go with me down the road together.

His love ended years before he knew it no matter of what type it was.

He went behind my back to speak with lawyers about what we are supposed to be handling together. I told him point blank tonight I felt as if he had stabbed me multiple times in the back. As he indeed did. I don't know that I have any reasons to trust him and I must find a lawyer of my own. Court divorce after all.

I gave him all the love and support and bare honesty within me. Stupid.

And so I go through my boxes with the jewelry and photos of the dead dear to me and I mourn the loss of them and I mourn the loss of a generous and kind and patient and loving man for a person who has layers of rock and ice around his emotions.

How come the death of the very soul of my soul mate equals for me the death of my friends? I suppose because they work out to be equal in the end.