Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

What an evening...with lots of pictures!

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I had a great start to my birthday weekend!

Mark wrote asking if I wanted to go see “ON THE EDGE”* tonight and as Michael Rosen is in the show and attending I gladly said yes.

The big deal for me, besides going into SF for any reason other than doctors, was seeing Michael and Mark and maybe meeting new people. So I shaved pits and calves, wore a black velvet dress with my purple velvet rhinestone collar and a nice pair of low heels, and basically dressed up to go out for the first time I can remember.

Mark told me about his month in Paris, Michael didn't recognize me at all due to my weight gain (which hurt, I can't deny), but once he did he was as sweet as always and I _finally_ met his wife. I've only known him since 1993. :-)

Had a really nice time meeting new people and chatting. Mark and I left after a couple of hours. The parking fairies had been on our side so we only had a few blocks to walk back to the car, luckily.

My shoes left two blisters on the front ball of each foot that takes up the whole thing - both feet. Huge. Painful. I made space enough for them to air so they won't collect nastiness.

Got home and hung out just being companionable with Mark and Erica in the living room, watching a special on Kit Carson. It felt really good to spend time with Mark. I guess I really missed him. It was also great to see Michael. He said he might cross the bridge to come visit, which would really make me happy.

I came to bed and had Femme Pois and Purrbarella in their normal bedtime spots when I decided I needed a hot bath. By the time I got back into bed both had gone AWOL. So I called to each of them and they both came back! Yes, my cats will come when called. A dog? Even an asleep one? That's normal. But for Purrbarella to come when I call her at bedtime makes me happy.

My Sidekick's dying a very ugly death and it shouldn't be. I can't afford a new phone at all! I have temptation to move to an iPhone but we will see how my talk with T-Mobile goes. It may just need them to do a hard reset, but that wouldn't explain the battery issues or the sudden "Emergency Calls Only" messages that started today.

I'm having friends over Sunday & Monday to hang out. Tomorrow the huge blisters and general ultra fatigue will keep me in bed. And I get to try and see Dr. Young again on Monday morning. Days like that make me long for my car...

*“ON THE EDGE”, Erotic Photography Exhibition, will feature 17 photographers displaying over 400 of their best cutting edge nude, sensual, glamorous, exotic, bondage, fetish and kinky erotic photographs for sale on February 11-13, 2011, Valentine’s Day Weekend.

Sale: Pasties, Labrette Jewelry, Silver Set &

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• Three sets of Labrette jewelry - should go through an autoclave again, due to handling, but has gone through once after I took the piercing out. If you have no problem with using lower problematic sterilizing use as soon as received. $45- *includes regular first class shipping.

• Truly Fallen Designs heart shaped pasties with tassels & pasties glue - never worn! $25- *includes regular first class shipping.

• Sexy Silver Set: Truly Fallen Designs silver pasties (never worn), Lip Service buckled cincher, rubber silver Betty LaBamba panties (never worn), silver glitter headband with long ties, and matching Velcro-closing PVC armbands package for $80-.
- With matching long wig (needs good brushing) $125-.
- Shipping USPS Medium Box Flat Rate $10.95 anywhere continental USA.

• Candy accented black fabric bra, never worn or removed from box. $10- *includes regular first class shipping.

• Lip Service dress purple/silver accents only worn for shots of it. $45- *includes regular first class shipping.

• Dark auburn/brunette wig with tight curls worn only for shots of it. $30- *includes regular first class shipping.

*USPS Priority upgrade costs $4.95

I have many more items! Remember seeing a gown or corset or wig I wore but can't find it listed? Requests are welcome.

** Buy now, pay USPS Priority upgrade and your purchase will be mailed Friday February 11th for a Valentine's Day delivery! **

Quote of the week

"He was a typical neurotic—slender, fragile, eager. Wide-open blue eyes with broad pupils, in which I could plainly see the characteristic "hippus"—that incessant change of size that marks the unstable nervous equilibrium—parted lips, and wandering taper fingers, were as the stigmata of his disorder. He was of the stuff out of which prophets and devotees, martyrs, reformers, and third-rate poets are made."

R. Austin Freeman, Dr. John Thorndyke's Cases
1909

http://www.feedbooks.com/author/288 <- Go and start with The Red Thumb Print Not in quite some time have I fallen this deeply in love. Never mind that the above quote caused me to laugh out loud.

Tried to Send This on OKC

But it won't send. And I find that it's too good a response to let disappear...so here it is for the world to gawp at:

"Well, I move slowly sexually for various reasons. I want to know that there's chemistry of a sexual type before making definite yes plans. Plus there's my illness which makes for me not knowing what I'll be up for. But if you are ONLY looking for sex-play partners, I'm probably not one you're looking for. Cuddling and kissing is much more my speed right now. If I wanted sex only the opportunities would be endless! I'm looking for more of a mutually supportive friendship with cuddling and lots of making out (if both find the other attractive in that way). I miss that much more right now. I really miss the feeling of a tight hug, a deep kiss, and the warmth of leaning into one another as we laugh or cry during watching a movie together, for instance.

Besides, there's the whole STD bugaboo that I would rather not discuss until I know there's a reason. I don't feel a need to introduce myself, say "Hi! I do have this, but only here, and nothing else. What about you? And do you have a penis larger than this? Because I can't fit more than..."

I'm not even kidding about that last part. And that's not really something I want to announce to the world, you know? It just isn't necessary to discuss all these issues until I know if I even like a person, much less find them sexually stimulating. And how many guys want to get asked immediately how big their penis is in length and girth? Not very many, in my experience. (*Grin*)

We have a LOT of things and tastes in common. I have a pretty good idea that we would make great friends based on the clues I've picked up from your profile. But does that mean I will want to get "down and dirty" with you? No clue. That's why I figured we would definitely cuddle but I wouldn't commit to more than that with anybody other than perhaps a few people in the world before meeting in person and getting to know them at least on a superficial level...

Hopefully this will not turn you completely off from wanting to hang out! But if it does, it won't be taken at all personally. I just take things slow - especially right now. I'm getting divorced from the person I considered my soul mate. The person with whom I mutually fell in love at first sight and I spent over a decade with. Add to that my disabilities, my weight gain from steroids, and so on and I wouldn't trust ME if I rushed into even sex play. Who knows where I've been? ;-)

This is long and it is in depth but it's also completely honest and incredibly open. Once again - I don't know if I'll be physically attractive to you and vice-versa. I HOPE so. But I don't take it for granted.

I have a quasi-first date tonight I need to prepare for. I've been spending time with another OKC person as well. I definitely have been lucky in finding people of both sexes to date at my slower pace so far. I hope to include you...but it really is up to you. We only have so much time and energy to give and share...

And I'll leave it there. I hope to hear from you again."

Curly Hair Strikes Again...

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Besides selling things to buy myself a Kindle, I also need to sell things for tattoo work. I'm craving not the pain, but the beautification process and end result.

I'm going to get my hair cut by a professional Friday since I have a whole hour to wait due to Paratransit being FUBAR and it hasn't had the help it needs in two whole years. Sam's friend is the last person who worked on it.

This coming weekend I have to balance my health problems with my very real need to sell everything I no longer need or use or treasure in order to buy things I do need, will use and plan to treasure.

Having seen and played with Rhianna's Kindle I definitely know it will be a useful tool for me. I read on my iPod Touch all the time, but to have a real paperback size screen will help my eyes. I read so damned much!

I need to replace my lost earring - I need to up the size anyway. They kept just falling out, hence my lost one, and Shawn and I didn't have the time to replace while he was here with our car. Anyway...

Wigs! Those are my goal for this weekend.

Serious Book Sale - I'm Seriously Selling These...

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I'm selling things to make space and to buy a Kindle for myself for my birthday. A 27-book series and two 1st edition hardcovers.

Let me start with my entire 27-book collection of the Xanth series by Piers Anthony. I have both softcover and hardcover in it, as well as the quality of the books ranging from brand new to gently used.

$125.00 for 27 books = less than $5 a book which includes hardcover and brand new in the set making the total worth more than that.

After some waffling about it I'm also selling:

Mint condition hardcover "1st American Printing" of Aleister Crowley's autobiography for $200-. Aka: 1st edition.

Close to mint condition hardcover 1st edition of the Andy Warhol Diaries for $100-. Only one corner of the covered dust jacket has some dents that are fairly invisible but are still there.

All of the books are viewable in the photos. More photos available upon request.

Serious inquiries only.

Shipping in the US and to Canada. Preference for Paypal and will only ship to verified addresses. Cash and Paypal accepted for local sales. Absolutely no refunds.

All books will be mailed USPS Priority Flat Rate (Box) with insurance and confirmation. FedEx an option - but I do not know what the shipping rates will be.

The Xanth series is only available as a set.

Still for sale!

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For sale:

An excellent washer/dryer pair for $1000-. No haggling. It's the lowest I can go since tax-wise that's what we can get for donating the pair. If I had a place nearby to set them up and use them I would do so.

A pony mask with bit for $50- with shipping and Paypal adding $5-.

Sony TRV-320 for $300 with shipping and Paypal inclusive.

Orange ponytail wig by Lana for $150-. One of a kind. Shipping and Paypal add $10-.

Lots and lots more of all sorts of items. Clothes, books, electronics, wigs, and much more. I possibly should consider a garage sale. With my Paypal application I can accept money with the "bump" of my iPod to anybody else's iPod/iPhone who also has the application.

If you live nearby and want to see what is for sale just let me know. All electronics definitely work. I have about 40 wigs for sale - including three pink ones purchased in a brand new mixed lot. I have a computer, another video camera, a 30 gig iPod (music only), and so on...

So many reasons for existential nausea

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Today, January 14, is my wedding anniversary. My last evening with Shawn was spent in the company of Jerry and Tracy - at their house. The end of that night left me drained, wrecked, and sicker than before.

Some of that directly relates to Shawn's behavior toward me. I can no longer love him, even as a friend. His attitude toward me no longer has me able to make excuses for him. He has become as ugly toward me as Steven with little provocation. It can take something as trivial as discussing whether or not we had a conversation about trying to only fix the carpet in places versus the whole of it for him to turn cold and ugly. And in front of other people!

Even if he begged me I doubt I could stand to be with him as he is now. I would definitely never fall in love with him if he was introduced to me in his current persona. Too cold and ugly and impatient and even cruel and bitter. I'm in unrelenting pain and have acute nausea and my personality is going through crisis after crisis due to my health. And yet non-partisan people have pointed out how badly he treats me.

Erica says to me now that many abused women make excuses for and tolerate intolerable behavior from their partners. So in this I followed the herd. But just as I could never love Steven again, so I can never love Shawn (as he is now) again.

July 10 would have been our 12 year anniversary. Our relationship was dead before we moved back to CA. I can see that now. I can also see the person who met every single point of what would bring about my utter love and devotion has changed so that almost nothing is left to command those of me.

My love is dead. My true love is no more. And there is no such thing as a soul mate. Only delusion. It may last a few months or it may last over a decade. But love at first sight is only delusion and I would rather we had never met or my path had taken a different road or I had died within our first few years together than I had witnessed the death of the personality and self within the one person I never doubted would always be there for me.

Happy wedding anniversary. A lyric from a song I'm writing:

"So how does it feel
To know you've killed her heart
Those dreams and hopes
Of which you never took part"

He wrote to me recently that I seemed like the only person here who thought of him as human - not some monster asshole. His behavior that last evening cured me of that. But I will probably never stop loving the Shawn I used to know. His compassion and patience and openness and lack of ego and self-love brought me everything I could desire. His beauty and intellect and such complemented the other attributes so I doubt that anybody can live up to the Shawn I hoped (indeed expected) to spend the rest of my life with.

I should count myself lucky he is turning out so ugly. It cured me of any compassion I might have for him. His definite lack of it for me killed mine. Feeling and fulfilling obligations does not equate with compassion. And his obligations toward me is all he has left to offer. No love. No compassion. No.

My pain is very bad and this is too long.

Question

How up to date is this?

"The only four places that today openly and legally, authorize active assistance in dying of patients, are:

Oregon (since l997, physician-assisted suicide only);

Switzerland (1941, physician and non-physician assisted suicide only);

Belgium (2002, permits 'euthanasia' but does not define the method;

Netherlands (voluntary euthanasia and physician-assisted suicide lawful since April 2002 but permitted by the courts since l984)."