Another Fuckup To Add To The List
There's nothing I can do to make things better. He stole my medication even after I had discussed with him my worries about that and how it caused problems in the past. He's had whole days off already because it was important to me that he not only heard that his time is his own most of the time, but he needed to live it so it was not just words but actual huge parcels of time for his practice and his friends and all of it. But this time it has nothing to do with time but everything to do with my sickness being too heavy for him to handle when he's super stoned on stolen medication.
Petal's come to comfort me in my distraught state. She's on my stomach, but lightly there as though she knows to be gentle and she's purring as she keeps me company during this short time of need. She may not stay, but it's enough she gave me any time right now. I don't know what to do next. This time I did all I could to give space, consideration, time off and away, and even lunches and dinners paid for at times - and he only arrived on the 16th! I did all I could to make this roommate situation work and I failed. I asked him point blank what I did? What can I do to fix whatever is wrong. But the impression he left me with is that my type of illness has a very bad effect on him emotionally.
So I asked him to just get me ice water and walk the dogs and to leave it at that until tomorrow afternoon when he won't (hopefully) be stoned and even if he won't stay I want us to have a discussion clear-headily to at least communicate in a more healthy manner what exactly is wrong to cause him to behave as he has done.
This afternoon we discussed house hunting together and me looking at mortgages. Yesterday I took him to Currylicious to use my Groupon voucher. Today was almost all his. The amount of care needed and/or requested was negligible partially due to how sick I am. If I can't choose a good roommate I sort of feel as though I should just give up. My choices all have not worked for various reasons that I feel either I should have sussed out earlier or not let my fear of no care cause me to choose unwisely. I really like Michael and did everything in my power to give him space and free time and even fun - as in our going camping together. I even said to him today that if he had a friend who might make a good third to come along that would be cool. Why steal and why behave in such a way?
I guess the fact I had very little to do with this collapse should offer me some cheer. But really I think it has really broken my heart. I offer pure and untainted friendship only to have it accepted, allegedly, only to have it rebuffed with what feels like almost no warning.
My sickness has knocked me back after all this time I've managed to handle most everything needed. I've learned to hide from those who will hurt me with hardly a look. Must end this rambling heart broken writing. There's few to trust when things are thus. Hooray for Femme Pois, Zweite Ein, Lolita, Princess of Goth, and Precious Petal Tiger Lily and for their unconditional love and concern. And somehow I will make it through this. When a person gives and gives and it all comes to naught, it's not the not giving in return for the most part. It's the fact it hasn't brought joy or knowledge of appreciation or any of the many reasons for wanting to see somebody happy.
Petal makes me smile even in the midst of my misery and tears. She eats out of my fingers. I want to feel secure in my offerings of friendship. Shawn and Cesmir have both shown me in word and deed that remains a foolish hope.
