Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Really? Reality? Yes, I Would!

It's very difficult to explain to those who don't know my history, why exactly I'm up against a wall, feeling beaten by my ex-husband.

For me it feels as though my sickness cost me my husband, our home, security, and so on. My ex was my best friend but he no longer even acknowledges when I catch him acting against our agreement.

An agreement I never should have agreed to based on our mediated agreement being ignored. Half? Ha! 1/3 PLUS I have to pay for my health insurance which means I don't have very much to live on.

The only reason I've survived on this for so long is because I used all my half of the 401k to cover the $600 gap. It's difficult to not get furious at myself for continuing to allow him to walk all over me.

Chip won't move our relationship forward until I've managed to stabilize not only my self, but also the crazies surrounding me. He's too mature and settled to have a crazy lady in his life. Though when I look in the mirror sometimes I can't see why anybody would ever find me attractive again.

Why did people all over stop me to compliment my looks before my weight gain? Does fat really make us so much more ugly than when we're skin and bones? Even starving myself won't help so I'm not turning anorexic. And bulimia? I'm throwing up so much that we're trying to stop me doing it anyway.

Giving up my steroids only makes everything worse. I'd drop them in a heartbeat, if I could without the horrible side effects of an unfulfilling adrenal gland. But it causes me to suffer horribly so I'm stuck.

The title of this post comes from the fact I'd do reality TV if I could make money doing it. Real money for me and donations to assist in research in my multiple illnesses: Addison's Disease, FMS, adrenal failure, etc. Heck, if it went well I'd love to consider either adopting or fostering in my near future. My pain could bring me help in the form of a nanny assisting part-time.

Or maybe the fact I had to lose everything to move to a place that allowed for both a realistic pain alleviation program and for me to utilize medical marijuana would be a good start for a reality show. The premise could follow me as non-quacks try to get my health under control while using the 18 prescriptions and loss of house and husband as the starting base.

And on that note my long, down past my shoulders, hair and I shall read something that can act as a soporific. Nah, I'll read some HP Lovecraft and dream of my beloved successful friends who are living the dream and I'm so happy for. There's a lap and arms waiting to enfold me with love if their help helps me help myself. :-)

Scripts, Stories, and Outlines

Writing a script for a tv show based off my first 30 years could be written as a comedy with hyper-melodrama that might sound made up, but generally isn't. For the first two decades of my adult life I heard non-stop that I needed to write my autobiography because it is so messed up. Things that might fit in an "Arrested Development" sort of way. Or some of the better "30 Rock" life scenes. Hell, Tina Fey works with a solid team and can pratfall with some of the best...as can the guy in both of those series.

Heck, my sister and my ex-husband sort of could see the me in the lead only if I'll be able to handle laughing, with others even, at myself. Does the fact I'm politically well to the left of Liz Lemon. I'm not as quickly witty. I think a relationship can be had without it being weird once you're third cousins or further - especially if you didn't grow up together.

But that's coming from a woman who married a guy who turned into such an asinine jerk that he didn't even send alimony on time just because it landed on my birthday. I had to write to him twice to get that fixed. Just really depressing if I let myself think about it because I still love the man I met and was with for the better part of a decade. Even though he treats me like the dirt beneath his shoes.

Called Chip today. Talking on the phone, or really at all, hurts and exacerbates the pain in my mouth so we only spoke for about 25 minutes. He sent me two huge gorgeous cards. One for my birthday and the other for Valentine's Day. Both had personal notes that made me feel I am a special person in his life. Something I need and appreciate receiving.

Need to think very hard about my living situation, how to improve it and what I need to do in order to move forward in a healthy manner, in multiple ways. And work on both a proposal and a script outline. It's halfway there.

Ouch, Dammit! No To Pain…

Okay, yes, I've had a few dates due to my profile on OKCupid. None worth being noteworthy other than one cutie who was poly with a serious relationship. There's Chip in my life, but he's far away and seems to want to wait for a while.

So I had a date with a 62-year short Richard Branson looking gentleman tonight. He brought some dinner from Drunken Fish and we cuddled while I introduced him to 30 Rock.

An amazing amount of people who became famous later on acted in "Twilight Zone" I've been discovering. Enjoyable. Here's one half of "The Odd Couple" as a drunk trumpet player hit by a car right into "The Twilight Zone." Tons of 'em. Kind of how "30 Rock" and "Arrested Development" used a ton of the SNL/Second City peeps for their shows.

I'm in serious pain still, thanks to the tooth pull and my regular issues. Stupid health broke my marriage, keeps me from living where and how and with whom I wish. I'm incredibly hopeful but when I try to plan a future where I have what I had with my ex (during the really good times) and make my partner proud of me, where my health isn't a roadblock. I'd like to feel hope again. I'd like to feel safe again.

I wish Chip lived out here. But it may be I found a very cute cuddle-buddy, for at least the interim. And he smooches very nicely. And we kept it closed mouth thanks to my agony keeping my mouth in fairly intense pain. Ouch. OW.