Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Lemming Saturday (Get the joke, win a smile)

Called a 1-800 anti-suicide line only to receive one of the worst people in the world to be playing helpful hannah.

Right away her voice grated on me. She kept asking me questions like what's my name and how do I spell it. That's expected. Her calling me by an utterly different name? Not good to keep me from the desire to end this pain and nausea and all of it.

I told her she was doing a terrible job and hung up after she called me by a name I'd never been called even by accident before. I'm crying my eyes out, begging for help of any kind only to be utterly dissed by a crappy volunteer who, like Rimmer in "Red Dwarf", talked more people to death than helped save them if the way I feel is at all the norm after her.

Now I'm stuck in a really bad head space and it's beyond my head's capability to cope.

I can't cope with any of it and I feel like it's all beyond me. If you're reading this when I've written it, no need to worry about tonight or most of Sunday. I'm stuck for now just suffering. It's about all I can handle, but better to just hurt and hurt than to worry people.

People who mostly fade from your life when your pain levels get so high you can barely be friendly. Been watching "Frazier" and enjoying the train wrecks.

My last fish is dying. He swims with his body like so: ||| <-->

So no need to worry about me and if you don't have a Wii, I've got a great set that's just looking for a new home. Raul posted it on Craigslist w/o pictures yesterday. The games and Wii Fit hopefully will cause it to stand out.

Years of Tears caused Fears amid Leers at Seers

I'm watching "Doctor Who" and Raul's gone to his room. It's close to one am but time feels weird when you smoke in order to handle the pain and the levels aren't easy to handle all the time. I'm so in need of financial aid but I've got a fear that if I don't get approved now it might be too late for my alimony to get me my mortgage and loans and grants and gifts.

Who wants to lose everything to machines and the worrisome nightmare monsters in "Doctor Who?" It seems so meaningful when you see the top as well as the bottom. I've got a dream that love is possible. The lost in my past are creeping up to say hello. I'm watching The Pandorica episode. There must be love to bring geek love to to life. Ever after.

I'm at a point where I'm ready to sell almost everything I own.

First on the block is the Wii, and the Wii Fit, and all the Wii games and accessories for $200-. Buyer pays shipping or picks it up. PayPal via iPhone or cash.

Remember, everything you buy helps me pay for things like my pets care, food, car registration, and even my teeth and dentures! So please buy what I have to sell as it allows me to clear up space, pay for urgent needs, and keep my pride. I've art pieces and I can do head shots for reasonable rates and start selling what's in the storage locker.

Believe it or not, I definitely think buying a house is going to happen and that can change so much with plants in our gardens and maybe an extra bedroom for just them. My royal purple master bedroom and his maroon 2nd bedroom. The third we can paint green all pretty for the plants and thus the living room will be a lovely shared room.

"Why am I crying?" "Because you remember me..." "Doctor Who"

The love I have in me to share with the person who really gets me, well it roils up in my tummy even when my love is not sure of being returned. I've things that are autographed - maybe I could sell some of them in raffles?

How many people would pay $5/ticket for a used Wii with games and Wii Fit and accessories? If I could sell to 50 people that would make the raffle work. Can you have an asterisk leading to a "The raffle will only be valid if over 50 tickets are purchased?" Probably not.

Please Let This Work; Please Help Me Buy A Home

Today I took the Prius to have its three recall notices all taken care of at once. Drove myself the ten blocks are so to the very place Shawn picked it out from. Since he keeps having a go at me by insisting on his note every month that the car payment is coming out of my alimony. A situation opposite our long term verbal agreement that if he left me, I received our house and car. But the house took us both down and out and now there's this bs with the car payments.

While waiting I test drove a Scion XB and a Matrix and out of all three cars I liked the Matrix best. But it would only drop his payments by $100/month and extend it another couple of years. I told him if he made it happen I'd cover half the payments. Considering he took the car I wanted away and did this to gain his dream Prius it kind of would be cool of him to help me get the car I'd rather have.

We emailed one another quite civilly, about some of this. I know he wants rid of the payments and the car. With the trade in we lose very little in difference for what we owe versus what the blue book value is. Stuff to think about while my feet scream at me.

This week just keeps getting busier and more intense. First therapy appointment with (hopefully) my new therapist. Then the whole 2 1/2 hour - two evening certification process for gaining assistance in buying a home in Oakland. It's a scary big deal to me.

For the first time in a long long time, a pretty boy told me he found me attractive and I believed him. Nobody I know, but from what little I learned he's possibly drool worthy, though he's nine years my junior so I'm not even going to hope to get my hopes dashed. If I thought I'd have a chance I might have given him my number. Instead his closest and best friend is having me take pictures of his children and said he has to come as well. So maybe he will.

Actually, they both came across as really good cool guys with a ton of earned self confidence. Friends since nine, successful ex-business partners that earned them enough that this is a different type of store manager - I get what they're trying to do.

I'm bubbling like a high school girl but it's so difficult to make friends that the joy of meeting new, possibly really together guys. Meet the guy with kids wife maybe when we do picture playtime. It will feel so good to shoot my 30D again but I had better get everything out and polished and charged and so on. *GRIN*

There's a lot of serious stuff I'm uncertain of what to do about. Earning money when you can't work due to disabilities means that you literally on the mercy of the world around you. The people who make up our world are too often uncharitable and either they accuse people of malingering or make other mendacious attacks or they don't comprehend what it is to have a whole lot of nothing.

Now I have a lot of stuff, a few pieces of large framed art, a two room set of wooden furniture that's just lovely. A washer/dryer set that I hope I can move into where ever it is I next live, and a large tv that needs fixing, or I need to give up as a lost cause because it's a 41" Samsung that clicks incessantly rather than turn on. That's worth $150 for parts or for somebody else to fix on the cheap instead of one of my friends.

My bed is covered in papers and bills and notices and it all needs to get sorted and moved but I have to focus on my responsibilities that come faster due and ASAP.

This is to see if you bothered to read this, to see if you understand what I'm trying to share : The stress and everything means it is clearly close to steroid shot time if I don't want to worsen. Right? Right! What car do I want? The Matrix! Why? It handles better, has far more space, and it's not giving up too much in gas mileage. What house do I want? The one across the street! Not really. I've no knowledge at all about it. But I'd love to remain in this neighborhood.

What's In A Certain Persons Past? Part 1

<u>People, Places, Things</u>
  • Gothic Raver, or Graver

  • Ex-husband 13 years younger - 10 years together - Left me after I got fat and was hospitalized for ten days

  • Love of Transgender and desire to become male (possible due to "Liz Lemon" sexual issue tendencies)

  • I think "30 Rock" ended mostly perfectly what with Kenneth indeed being an immortal and Liz Lemon's granddaughter pitching the show's concept and her following in her grandmother's footsteps and "Rural Juror" ended with Jenna showing she can seriously act and sing and yes that's a current thought process

  • Managed a glass blowing studio in Santa Rosa, CA

  • Life-long ethical lacto-ovo vegetarian

  • Current user and grower of licensed medical marijuana

  • A Pembroke Welsh Corgi and a Miniature Dachshund are loved by me and my ex-husband's cat is still with me, the allergic one - he refuses to help care for - I just don't want her at all

  • In eight months I went from weighing 105 pounds to 215 pounds - I hate and detest myself now but no working adrenal function? Stick fat causing steroids on so if the pain doesn't make me want to die - the ugliness I see in the mirror does

  • Believe fervently in Legally Assisted Death a la "Soylent Green" version and would say "Yes, thank you" to a doctors offer to help me achieve death

  • Fibromyalgia

  • Love singing and played a singer on and off most of my life - yay, immer essen!

  • Addison's Disease

  • Modeled for High Society and a few other fetish print and web sites starting in 1993 through 2008

  • Lived in UK 1997-1998
  • @
  • Started own (failed) erotica web site in 2006

  • Member of online communities like OKCupid and FetLife

  • Ex-Model as Molly Black

  • Ex-Photographer as Dr Molly Black

  • Never met biological ex-neurosurgeon father

  • Adopted veterinarian father stays out of my life normally - and doesn't really help when asked or needed

  • Mother has multiple degrees and no interest in helping usually - Volatile relationship with severe ups and downs

  • Moved to NYC summer of 1989

  • Moved to Boston fall of 1989 with ex-boyfriend/bandmate

  • Moved to SF in Sept 1991

  • Fatal car accident with only one surviver when roommate fell asleep at the wheel and car owner was crushed in flipped car

  • Adopted father had affair with married receptionist

  • Mother fell in love with receptionists husband

  • Entire family, including their two children (a year older than each of us), moved in with us.

  • Gorgeous Doctor Sister in TX - Volatile relationship

  • A radical atheist and a Vonnegut-ian socialist with humanist trappings

  • About ready to store everything in order to bring about radical change - RV cross-country living? Yes, maybe as much fun as a sleeper train trip, even

I'm definitely open to ideas from anybody who knows me so far as things I've done, seen, or accomplished that are unique if told in my voice/perspective. Make it reality tv worthy or something you've always thought I should throw in my autobiography or what have you. Does missing Galapagos due to my illness count? Or having my husband come into our room to ask for a condom to have sex with our mutual friend? Granted I'd said ok earlier, but the request for condoms brought it right in front of my face and that wasn't cool.

Dammit! I need a place to live!

I'm at the end of the proverbial rope. Everything counts on money and unless I start whoring myself (Again, watch Liz Lemon on 30 Rock) for cuddles and kissing or whathaveyou (aka worlds worst prostitute) I'm uncertain about my strength. Or lack of strength.

Rent to own? Any friends have a place on the market they can't get rid of? Or is in need of some fixing up? Contracts will keep us from devolving and going for the others throat. As it were.

Anybody want an American wife?

That was a huge and heavy sigh I just sighed. It's so unbelievable that the amount of my imbalance from my medications gets added too. I need a place to live. I wish it was just perfect. Like a dream come true - winning lotto or some luck based huge money prize!

I saw the dentist today and the tooth looks amazing. But I'm pretty wrecked. Cried before we left, then wanted to there but managed to hide it until we got home and during our discussion I cried and cried and cried. Just a completely exhausted sickee who needs a place to live. Dare I type this?

Nightie-Night!