Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Just call me butch disabled…

I'm feeling close to collapse, but the damned Prius Shawn left behind was not working. So guess what I did since I was utterly alone? That's correct! I jumped it all by myself. Granted I'm moving only my fingers currently. But the car works again. Still have no money to register it and each month just adds more to this vehicular nightmare. To look at this realistically, I mean.

How to help? Buy my Wii and everything it comes with. You can't have a more perfect present for your whole family with the variety of games, including the wonderful Wii Fit! That way everybody wins. I can pay to register the car Shawn dumped on me (now the cat has a great home, why not other stuff he dumped on me?) and the system he left can pay for the car, kind of.

It's nuts that I've only managed to not financially collapse due to the money that should have been my savings getting used up taking care of a lot of things that my ex just dumped on me. How can I still care for such a cruel and mean person? Well, I still love many who I could tar with the same brush. Though the person who tops my list isn't any of that - he's a gentleman.

On that note, I'm still proud that physical illnesses be damned, I singlehandedly successfully jumpstarted the Prius.

Somebody out front is making "scary" (to Ein) noises so I'm going to move more than merely my fingers and watch a bit of TV with my doggie Sweetlings and let tomorrow be a very whatever day and tonight can just be a list making night. For instance: The compost needs removal STAT. :-/

420 4:20 4/20 etc.

Today's sort of a celebration of the rights of at least the sick and disabled to use medical marijuana for things like nausea, inability to eat, pain, and more.

It works for me, even though I can't afford it - something that I'm struggling through whilst waiting for things to grow and change.

I'm not very thrilling, but if anybody wants to help me celebrate, I'm home for the day, relaxing on a day that my dogs want outside. Whine whine whine - that's all I'm hearing currently. Probably because the noise of Raul and his guest getting ready for their day and beyond in SF today. I'm jealous too, but my dogs don't hear me whining.

Any friends around that feel like chilling? I'm dealing with some severe pain and Addison's splash back - along with stabby tummy so I'm more of a passenger along for the ride.

What Is My Generation?

Re-watching an episode of "30 Rock" the mention of "Pokemoning" for a younger generation versus the more masculine "Great Escape" of the older generation got me thinking about what it feels like to not really have a real generation of my own.

The majority of my mature years were spent with a partner 13 years younger than me and, funnily enough, he was my Pokemon platypus. But only as a joke. Even Beanie Babies don't feel like mine even with that, and selling them in Harvard Square, and collecting my real (vs person) ones. They're all different generations.

We never called it anything other than poly or open or cheating or what have you. Or is my memory so shot I can't remember what it was we called our version of Hazel Wassername. Sociopath? Sure. But seriously. What did those of us in the 40-50 age bracket call the "Walk of Shame"/"Stride of Pride?"

I'm currently exhausted and this mind game isn't helping me cope with my stress induced insomnia. Sun is up. Time to sleep.

When Does The Pain Ease Up?

Seriously.

To say pain like this stems out of nowhere at this stage just means you don't care or you haven't been listening. Or both.

For a long time there's been a part of me that blames myself for the crappy behavior of people who come on like gangbusters and say how much they want to hang out with me only to never even get a freaking response no matter how communication takes place.

No more. You can't handle my disabilities? Fuck you. Fuck off for that matter. I'm depressed all the time? I bitch out loud about the pain levels? I cry too much? Rather than hide my situation I actually bring it up and discuss it? Not always, mind you. When it's particularly horrible or I'm scared or I just can't handle hitting rock bottom there's a part of you that doesn't really get it.

If you did? You would wrap me in your arms like I was your very own gift of amity. Friendship and love and care and compassion all wrapped up and in your arms.

That's truly where I feel like I am - heading toward rock bottom. Death would offer surcease and escape. I'd take the shot or pill or whatever painless method I could use that wouldn't hurt. Because of Diane and Rachel sometimes the Golden Gate Bridge seems like their paths I should follow. But it's too frightening.

What if I can't buy a house? There's HomePath and I'm uncertain about Oakland's CityLift program but HomePath mortgage doesn't have PMI. And there's hope for me, what with being below their poverty level income-wise. Yes, I'm reapplying for disability and I should have had a lawyer for my divorce but I'm trying to not let any of this destroy my health any more. The stress alone could trap me here for days. Walking to Gross Out, then over shopping, then having a very painful balancing act on the long walk home. Shin splints floating and lower lumber pain reminiscent of last years back destruction.

Ouch.

Now to read a bit more before bed. There's room in my life for people unafraid of the current downward spiral. I've been up and drama free before. It can happen again at the slightest change for the better. I'd like that.

Speaking To Noone, Of Course.

Spoiled myself after a difficult day with an episode of "Doctor Who" - 50th Anniversary kickoff went decently if a bit unclearly. But, yes, it's worth $1.99. I remember back when cable had a real stranglehold on the American populous. People everywhere, including me, would kvetch about how we should only have to pay for the cable channels we wanted to watch. Well, it's not there yet, but what with me only wanting a few things out there in the market, it's close enough for now. I don't have cable. I do have Netflix and I've purchased a few of my faves off Amazon so I don't have to wait for the DVDs.

I'm stuck in a bit of a turmoil. I'm selling as much of my collections as I can stand and that's a lot, currently. My numbered Neil Gaiman Rat or my BPAL Hellion with numbered matching holding statue. My velvet chaise longue. My wedding dress.

If you've a fetish let me fulfill it long distance but with negotiated fulfillment by me at my most dominant. Socks? Undies? Feet impressions for you to very carefully use as you desire?

LOL. It's April Fools somewhere as I type this. I'm very truly in need of money. It's not easy being sick and wishing that there was some way - ANY way - to earn money.

It's not fun and games not being capable of working. And when your new pain specialist keeps you kind of at the same place medicinally, though the pain levels are creeping up again and his first choice of fentynal is a no go because it's been proved to up my Addison's, it adds to stress levels.

Finding out the Oakland real estate market has changed dramatically in the past year and it's a sellers market again added a bit of worry. Buying a home of my own with the help of the city has become a dream I'd like to make come true. If I had a less expensive residence that would mean I'd need $500- less at this moment.

The best way to stop my pleas for people to buy everything I own (that isn't my camera gear) is to buy my stuff you appreciate. My art collections. My furniture. My electronics. Even my only music gear I've got left is almost up for sale. Everything Wii connected is ready to head out. Need a photographer for any sets you'd like to send out to adult sites? I'm your woman!

Need a short term manager? I'm great at helping setup difficult to organize schedules. I wonder if a disabled person can get at home work that will bring in enough income to cover the extra meds necessary to do the job in the first place.

Lots to think about. Raul's definitely trying his best to not be a machismo filled guy. William was a better caregiver but Raul feels like a better friend. He's even trying to help sort my stressors out, but I'm driving around in an unregistered car and still owe some rent so … well, there's hope for the future. Good fortune and all, to all.