Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Did I Seriously Blackout?!?

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Woke up to a noise and I couldn't believe it. My back screen was closed but the wooden door open. The sun was up and I had (have) a large bump on the side of my head that was not there last night.

I've come close to blacking out a couple of times. Did I black out last night?

Today I spent doing errands, seeing Candice for an extended walk with all three of our dogs, buying necessities from the grocer after next day FedEx-ing the information to IBM COBRA in an attempt to fix what Shawn broke, and effectively destroying what little strength of self I had left.

I am laying down in incredible pain. It just keeps building and layering one on top of the other. No point in crying for assistance.

There are the two whom I'm in contact with and who may take the room and the job of assisting me. But until a choice is made and I have help I can feel and see the dissolution I'm undergoing.

So many bruises on my non-anemic body. To claim need is difficult because nobody likes admitting how weak they are, nor how much help they need when all their life they believed in staying the strong and forthright person of their group(s) of friends.

But with a bruise on the side of my head and a sprained thumb with arthritic feeling fingers and joints going all the way from fingertips to shoulders dropping through the hips to the ankles which hurt too.

Scared? Terrified.

But I have all the pets cared for and fed and filled with the knowledge of my love and protection. Why? Because they almost always come first.

I could use an old friend to visit and catch up with. I'm so worn out and in so much pain I find myself getting worse and I'm hoping against hope that I do get my COBRA account fixed very quickly. The man I spoke with yesterday told me he put it in with emergency markers of some sort.

To suffer is part of life. But I wonder sometimes why. Why was the first half of my life so full of misery? And when things changed for a while I thought it was a form of the universe evening up the boards, so to speak.

But then...now I suffer more and more and fear it like some fuzzy little squeaky animal with no control over it's environment and only wanting a warm, safe, secure place to rest.

Worn out. Utterly. But I have more to handle. This week will wear me down worse than I expected. But I must care for the pets and take things as far as I can.

Using my mix and bread maker, I added a bit of garlic and a bit of basil for trial of taste (the remaining half of the first I gave to Candice), with Candice I took the dogs for a looooooong walk, then later i mailed FedEx next day COBRA requests, and ended by purchasing necessities and pleasurables from Piedmont Grocery.

Now to see about a little food as I have had a yogurt pushing me onward.