I'm here but where is here inside?
Basically I'm resting my ankles that want to scream at me every time I get up. But this right now reminds me of the me I used to be. I've lost a Netflix DVD somewhere and I've searched around where I remember last seeing it with no luck. The interesting thing is how I'm slammed back into past memories and thinking of being in Long Beach. I know my collapse started there, but for a while I've wanted to go back. I miss it and I think that for me the last time I was truly myself was possibly there. At least me for an extended time period.
Damn. I'm not good at looking at my fat ugly self and having these memories and recognizing my utter loss of the self I was. Being fat and covered in bruises and having it hurt to walk around this apartment and yet the doggies must have their time out and with me. Fat is okay. But not for me or on me. I'm just trying my hardest to rope my mental state into a more healthy groove.
Blur does bring positive mental thoughts as does Sondheim. I don't know how I keep afloat even amidst the pull of London and Dublin keeping at me...
Keep thinking of a decade gone past and wondering how did twelve years go streaming and screaming past. Honestly I can't begin to understand. Lolita is trying to turn alpha on me, but as she's not allowed to AND she's hurting me when she tries to climb on me just from her weight - no claws, thankfully my trimming them seems to have ended (for now) that problem. But she goes off and cries when I tell her no and try to force her to chill out by "flattening" her. She gets pissed and I get frustrated. Sigh...
The urge I have is to find one of the cuties I adore and/or love so I can put them either on my couch or bed and crawl into their arms which they will have made into a cavern with their lap so I can feel secure and safe from the outside world and loved by ... Well, I think about Wayne a lot. I wonder about some who mutually drifted away even though a strong attraction may have existed twixt us at a far long ago time.
Love is a bitch of a mistress and has seriously kicked the ever-lovin' shit out of me. As it were.