Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Self Pity Party

Made it through two or three boxes with James's help. I've had a lot of nausea keeping me from feeling capable of managing even something as simple as getting out of bed.

Depression has also seriously got me in its grip. It's adding to the difficulty in finding any reason to get out of bed when there's no end to the pain and nausea.

Watching a terribly banal show, "Weird, True, & Freaky" from Animal Planet on Amazon Prime. Why watch it? Because it has interesting statistics and I'm really sort of numb. Going through boxes full of Shawn's papers and pictures and things from his family and our marriage just took more out of an already worn out psyche.

To say I feel a desperate need for protection and somebody to just hold me so I can feel safe is an understatement. Love doesn't really enter into this feeling. I suppose love would make it complete but security doesn't need love. Especially as love hasn't really brought me security.

Feeling relieved TAM not happening or hovering over me now. Medical issues make it fine I'm not going. Okay. I've cried enough (totally quietly) and I feel ready to lay here watching banality with no more thinking.