Shattered
I never considered myself a breeder, but learning that the non-cancerous growth on my pituitary gland caused a false early menopause as well as probably infertility as long as I've had it has caused me no end of regret of a path forever closed.
A part of me wishes I had a child when I was healthy, though with whom I could not say.
I want my puppies asap. Cats just aren't the same.
My heart feels as though it's shattering over and over again.
It makes (even more) physically ill to contemplate the situation between me and my ex. Over $4000 to do a mediated settlement. Our financial situation can not handle it. If it could I would want to use that money instead for Dignitas or relocation to Amsterdam - both my most realistic options in my right to die search for legally assisted early release from this vale of pain.
A friend's wife went into labor a few hours ago. They're doing a home birth with a midwife. Nothing prepared me for the way it has affected me.
But it hurts on top of the hurt and the pain.