Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

So many reasons for existential nausea

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Today, January 14, is my wedding anniversary. My last evening with Shawn was spent in the company of Jerry and Tracy - at their house. The end of that night left me drained, wrecked, and sicker than before.

Some of that directly relates to Shawn's behavior toward me. I can no longer love him, even as a friend. His attitude toward me no longer has me able to make excuses for him. He has become as ugly toward me as Steven with little provocation. It can take something as trivial as discussing whether or not we had a conversation about trying to only fix the carpet in places versus the whole of it for him to turn cold and ugly. And in front of other people!

Even if he begged me I doubt I could stand to be with him as he is now. I would definitely never fall in love with him if he was introduced to me in his current persona. Too cold and ugly and impatient and even cruel and bitter. I'm in unrelenting pain and have acute nausea and my personality is going through crisis after crisis due to my health. And yet non-partisan people have pointed out how badly he treats me.

Erica says to me now that many abused women make excuses for and tolerate intolerable behavior from their partners. So in this I followed the herd. But just as I could never love Steven again, so I can never love Shawn (as he is now) again.

July 10 would have been our 12 year anniversary. Our relationship was dead before we moved back to CA. I can see that now. I can also see the person who met every single point of what would bring about my utter love and devotion has changed so that almost nothing is left to command those of me.

My love is dead. My true love is no more. And there is no such thing as a soul mate. Only delusion. It may last a few months or it may last over a decade. But love at first sight is only delusion and I would rather we had never met or my path had taken a different road or I had died within our first few years together than I had witnessed the death of the personality and self within the one person I never doubted would always be there for me.

Happy wedding anniversary. A lyric from a song I'm writing:

"So how does it feel
To know you've killed her heart
Those dreams and hopes
Of which you never took part"

He wrote to me recently that I seemed like the only person here who thought of him as human - not some monster asshole. His behavior that last evening cured me of that. But I will probably never stop loving the Shawn I used to know. His compassion and patience and openness and lack of ego and self-love brought me everything I could desire. His beauty and intellect and such complemented the other attributes so I doubt that anybody can live up to the Shawn I hoped (indeed expected) to spend the rest of my life with.

I should count myself lucky he is turning out so ugly. It cured me of any compassion I might have for him. His definite lack of it for me killed mine. Feeling and fulfilling obligations does not equate with compassion. And his obligations toward me is all he has left to offer. No love. No compassion. No.

My pain is very bad and this is too long.