Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Filed under: back trauma

The Things We Do For Love

"Like walking in the rain and the snow when there's nowhere to go and you feel like a part of you is dyin'..."

That's a song echoing through my head right now even though I'm trying to distract my mind from it. Makes me think of Aba, Carl, Erica, and a few others I've no need to mention.

I'm taking a break from eating because my IBS is attacking in full force right now. Why can't I have super smart worms inhabiting my body?

Melissa called me tonight and we had a nice long discussion. I just used a batch of the warmed disposable cloths and changed my hospital togs to fresh ones so after that and my PTR where I ended up doing a smaller amount of stairs and my talk with my therapist and then with my chaplain (yes, atheists can discuss things with chaplains quite happily if they're the type who have no prejudice regarding faiths or not as the case may be) and basically I had a very full day and evening and I want to go home but tomorrow is (was) wishful thinking.

I want to go home but I'm not going to push myself or else I'll end up back here far sooner than I want. I'm hurting as it is.

"Clue" playing on my background laptop to keep me company. I've got some chocolate pudding waiting for me and I luckily had Will bring my reading glasses so I can see whilst typing this. Not always very easy for me. I'm feeling incredibly tired.

"The 'Lounge'!" and then gunfire. I'd move back to Long Beach (I think) if I could. Okay. Pudding and "Clue" time. More later.

I Can't Take Much More Of This

I _JUST_ found out that I'm not able to get to go to PT Rehab today, after all and once again. To call this devastating actually seems a bit of an understatement. It's not merely the pain. It's not merely the isolation. There are so many layers and levels as to why this has me mentally curved into a foetus position though I can't physically do so. Or I would.

This keeps happening and I'm so in need of my babies right now. Having all of these illnesses rolling on top of one another and not having the love and care to help sustain me at times like these just seems to make it feel even worse.

The red rash on the inside crease of my elbow appears to have been a fungal infection of the candida variety. At least it got caught in time so that though I've a few "dents" in my skin, most of it has cleared up. That's not shockingly upsetting since it's merely more physical evidence of how sick my body is as a whole.

There's a million things more but I'm far too sick to try and continue. Suffice to say that if you know me and know how and where to find me, please do. I'm in deep need of help. Emotional especially. My teeth are about to fall out of my head and I can barely handle sitting up and I seriously keep thinking I've reached the end of my proverbial rope only to find out that there's a little bit further I can fall.

About to overtly beg for visitors but there's very little reason to. Off to try for exhausted or maybe exhausting distraction. Need to call home and ask Will to bring a few things anyway...

Back In E.R. All Over Again

(download)

After not having the ability to get around without assistance or scream-inducing pain for over 24-hours I agreed with Will that calling an ambulance (since I couldn't even get up or down a step, never mind all the steps in our flat) and going to the hospital shouldn't be avoided any longer.

So the ambulance came after a short wait, because we told them it was a "tier two" emergency versus a regular 911 emergency. So Will assisted me in preparing for their arrival. Just brought my Kindle Keyboard for reading, my Kindle Fire for watching movies, and my phone for everything else. The pain is fairly horrible and I'm by myself here in E.R. hearing bizarre sounds from other areas and hoping to find out soon if they're planning on keeping me overnight.

Though unless they manage to ease the pain there's a feeling of terror overwhelming me. Luckily I discussed it with the doctor and nurse treating me and I'm being treated with morphine and they're trying to get my back to a place where they can send me home, though I've got to keep a better outlook or else there's no good even the morphine and maybe extra muscle relaxants can do. I've got to allow for what they're going to try but I'm in so much pain it's destroying my fleeting feelings of stress.

Luckily Will's at home with my sweetlings and if they do send me home at any point he's great with the Prius and so long as he doesn't need to carry me he should be able to assist me as I need it. He's longing to move back to Portlandia so I've got a non-relationship parallel to my situation with Al when he missed Boston. Really get along great but their hearts belong to a different city.

The pain is not letting up so I'm going to end this and post. I'm currently at Alta Bates for an inability to walk due to lower back pain from some unknown cause for over 24-hours. If they can get the pain eased up I'll head home at that point. If not, I'm here for a bit. Hugs welcome!