Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Filed under: disability issues

The Things We Do For Love

"Like walking in the rain and the snow when there's nowhere to go and you feel like a part of you is dyin'..."

That's a song echoing through my head right now even though I'm trying to distract my mind from it. Makes me think of Aba, Carl, Erica, and a few others I've no need to mention.

I'm taking a break from eating because my IBS is attacking in full force right now. Why can't I have super smart worms inhabiting my body?

Melissa called me tonight and we had a nice long discussion. I just used a batch of the warmed disposable cloths and changed my hospital togs to fresh ones so after that and my PTR where I ended up doing a smaller amount of stairs and my talk with my therapist and then with my chaplain (yes, atheists can discuss things with chaplains quite happily if they're the type who have no prejudice regarding faiths or not as the case may be) and basically I had a very full day and evening and I want to go home but tomorrow is (was) wishful thinking.

I want to go home but I'm not going to push myself or else I'll end up back here far sooner than I want. I'm hurting as it is.

"Clue" playing on my background laptop to keep me company. I've got some chocolate pudding waiting for me and I luckily had Will bring my reading glasses so I can see whilst typing this. Not always very easy for me. I'm feeling incredibly tired.

"The 'Lounge'!" and then gunfire. I'd move back to Long Beach (I think) if I could. Okay. Pudding and "Clue" time. More later.

I Can't Take Much More Of This

I _JUST_ found out that I'm not able to get to go to PT Rehab today, after all and once again. To call this devastating actually seems a bit of an understatement. It's not merely the pain. It's not merely the isolation. There are so many layers and levels as to why this has me mentally curved into a foetus position though I can't physically do so. Or I would.

This keeps happening and I'm so in need of my babies right now. Having all of these illnesses rolling on top of one another and not having the love and care to help sustain me at times like these just seems to make it feel even worse.

The red rash on the inside crease of my elbow appears to have been a fungal infection of the candida variety. At least it got caught in time so that though I've a few "dents" in my skin, most of it has cleared up. That's not shockingly upsetting since it's merely more physical evidence of how sick my body is as a whole.

There's a million things more but I'm far too sick to try and continue. Suffice to say that if you know me and know how and where to find me, please do. I'm in deep need of help. Emotional especially. My teeth are about to fall out of my head and I can barely handle sitting up and I seriously keep thinking I've reached the end of my proverbial rope only to find out that there's a little bit further I can fall.

About to overtly beg for visitors but there's very little reason to. Off to try for exhausted or maybe exhausting distraction. Need to call home and ask Will to bring a few things anyway...

Once In A While People Surprise

(download)

I'm so incredibly knocked back by the past couple of years. Things healthwise continue to get worse.

My eldest cat, Purrbarella, whom belonged to Shawn in name and to me in heart, died in my arms a few weeks ago. My ex betrayed every bit of trust that I ever gave to him and each week brings a new shock including his behavior leading to my insurance and prescription coverages are both cancelled.

Erica has effectively abandoned her promise to help protect and assist me for a short period of time while I had my search for my new roommate/caregiver. But when I really seriously need her, she pulls the stunt of betrayal by denial that she always does. Why can't I trust anybody? Because those who I love quite often do betray my trust. Paranoia would be if I didn't have the facts backing up these feelings.

And watching the series "Camelot" I'm stunned already by the differences to many of the tales they made this version. Arthur screwing Guinnivere before she marries his first ever champion (not Galahad). Bleagh.

Need to make something easy yet healthy to eat. Roasted veggies may fit the bill. Even this late.

On the plus side: I lost my beloved and precious Kindle yesterday. I found a number I didn't recognize from out of state and the person left a message that was slightly ambiguous but the guy found it and called me and somebody from his construction team will bring it to me tomorrow morning! I had already called the only places it could have been but it must have fallen off my rollator only to be found on the sidewalk or by where my car had been parked.

I told the gentleman he had done more than his good deed of the week in his returning it to me. Granted I wouldn't have lost any of the digital media, but there's the expensive cover with built in reading light and so forth. I'm so pleased about it in multiple ways.

It's 10pm on Tuesday evening. Do any of my friends want to come to my rescue in companionship and watch a movie and eat some of my first ever homemade bread using my first ever breadmaker set up and apparently working just fine!

Okay. Things to do before sleeping:

1. Make food
2. Eat food
3. Watch more dreck
4. Walk dogs before 1am
5. Remember to take meds
6. Send Safeway shopping order in
7. Go through prepping mail for COBRA fix attempt
8. Start aquarium water renovation
9. Finish cleaning fridge for tomorrow

That's more than enough but with no care I have to hurt myself in order to try to keep afloat. There's so many little things that pile up. My illness keeps me from having the ability to do these things without it majorly causing problems for my health. Yet if I let it go, it will only continue in a downward vicious cycle. I have to balance very carefully.

And last but not least the pictures are of my sprained thumb with glaring deep bruise, my first piece of homemade bread (with butter) from my first ever loaf of homemade bread from my first ever bread machine. I used a Fleischmann's Italian Herb mix and it's so freaking EASY. So come to care for me and have a slice or two of fresh baked bread. And then a shot of a person who does far more than she should and far more, in fact, than she safely can manage...