Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Filed under: faith

The Things We Do For Love

"Like walking in the rain and the snow when there's nowhere to go and you feel like a part of you is dyin'..."

That's a song echoing through my head right now even though I'm trying to distract my mind from it. Makes me think of Aba, Carl, Erica, and a few others I've no need to mention.

I'm taking a break from eating because my IBS is attacking in full force right now. Why can't I have super smart worms inhabiting my body?

Melissa called me tonight and we had a nice long discussion. I just used a batch of the warmed disposable cloths and changed my hospital togs to fresh ones so after that and my PTR where I ended up doing a smaller amount of stairs and my talk with my therapist and then with my chaplain (yes, atheists can discuss things with chaplains quite happily if they're the type who have no prejudice regarding faiths or not as the case may be) and basically I had a very full day and evening and I want to go home but tomorrow is (was) wishful thinking.

I want to go home but I'm not going to push myself or else I'll end up back here far sooner than I want. I'm hurting as it is.

"Clue" playing on my background laptop to keep me company. I've got some chocolate pudding waiting for me and I luckily had Will bring my reading glasses so I can see whilst typing this. Not always very easy for me. I'm feeling incredibly tired.

"The 'Lounge'!" and then gunfire. I'd move back to Long Beach (I think) if I could. Okay. Pudding and "Clue" time. More later.

This rant needed to be ranted:

I just wanted to write that I'm very glad that people think of me enough to lend me the books they lend me, but I have to let you know that I have no interest in them.

To me it is the same as reading a book on Creationism written by a "Creationist Expert" and while there's nothing wrong with it, I just have no interest.

Telling me that the car accident was my desire (or Kathy's or Delia's) or that my Fibromyalgia is all in my head is just insulting to me and I believe better of people (or want to) than that.

If you're a person who truly believes that when my roommate and new friend died because one of them fell asleep for a split second that it was our will/desire to have what happened happen (and I'm not saying you do, but I've had people say this to me in the past fifteen years) it makes me just as ill now as it did then.

My friends and family have my love and my true and honest desire for them to be happy. But all of you (!) please stop pressing your beliefs on me. Your systems do not work for me and I do not believe in them. I am glad that some of you have found love and somebody to share your interests with. I am also glad that some of you feel healthy and at peace. But what works for you will most likely not work for me.

Please understand that I mean no disrespect. However I feel quite disrespected by people ignoring the gentle hints and things I've said enough to lend me a book that makes me so angry and nauseous I can't fall asleep. It actually caused a full fledged panic attack because of how angry it makes me that anybody would ever say that Delia and Kathy (and my other friends who have died due to random chance) wanted to do so. They didn't. They were young and full of life and full of love and they damn well deserved a better end and later end than they got.

So my husband is falling asleep beside me while we both wait for the two Ativan to make their way through my system enough for me to stop fixating on the book that is downstairs, sitting on the counter. Not wanted. Not asked for. In fact, asked to please let me ignore it with it's pseudo-science and lack of actual physics knowledge.

Nobody deserves to be gang raped as a young child. Nobody deserves to be molested and then raped as a child. Nobody deserves to fall asleep in a car only to either be one of the two dead or the last survivor having the scent of dirt and blood in their nostrils fifteen years later because of a book on a table. Just leave it be. Leave me be. And I will do my damnedest to leave you and your (to me) psychotic wish dreams of a world with meaning and faith alone. Because in my eyes you're just delusional and I'm alone and awake with this knowledge. It doesn't make me happier. But it makes me at least feel in touch with reality.