Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Filed under: future hopes

The Things We Do For Love

"Like walking in the rain and the snow when there's nowhere to go and you feel like a part of you is dyin'..."

That's a song echoing through my head right now even though I'm trying to distract my mind from it. Makes me think of Aba, Carl, Erica, and a few others I've no need to mention.

I'm taking a break from eating because my IBS is attacking in full force right now. Why can't I have super smart worms inhabiting my body?

Melissa called me tonight and we had a nice long discussion. I just used a batch of the warmed disposable cloths and changed my hospital togs to fresh ones so after that and my PTR where I ended up doing a smaller amount of stairs and my talk with my therapist and then with my chaplain (yes, atheists can discuss things with chaplains quite happily if they're the type who have no prejudice regarding faiths or not as the case may be) and basically I had a very full day and evening and I want to go home but tomorrow is (was) wishful thinking.

I want to go home but I'm not going to push myself or else I'll end up back here far sooner than I want. I'm hurting as it is.

"Clue" playing on my background laptop to keep me company. I've got some chocolate pudding waiting for me and I luckily had Will bring my reading glasses so I can see whilst typing this. Not always very easy for me. I'm feeling incredibly tired.

"The 'Lounge'!" and then gunfire. I'd move back to Long Beach (I think) if I could. Okay. Pudding and "Clue" time. More later.

Sunny Back Porch With Pets

(download)

Trying to take care of the pets and the home and myself and yet not wear myself to a point where collapse occurs. I can do things very slowly that will keep the pets fed, exercised, and well cared for. Better than myself, in fact. See them on the porch with me. I included a pic of the 2nd bedroom. Why not, right?

But the longer I postpone finding either a caregiver/roommate or even a new place to live that fits my basic needs for ease (first floor with no apartment above me or just an artists studio or cottage on a friends property with a place to let the dogs out) the closer to collapse I'll end up.

Now I'm divorced perhaps I can marry a Canadian or European or New Zealand friend to go with my media and pets for better health care and love of companionship bringing us together. Ah well, I can dream. Even this sick and disabled I have a lot to not only offer, but to bring to any relationship. Platonic or romantic. Or some odd mix of the two.

This was supposed to be just the pets but I've got so much whirling around in my head ever since the finalization of my divorce, followed by Purrbarella dying, and the next day the three days notice. Yes, I gave her two weeks the same day, but that would have given me care I need while going through this chaos.

Tracy told me to stop berating myself for having bad judgment. I'm unsure of what to do next. Should I look for a roommate, paying only, and hire a part-time assistant? Should I find a less expensive place through my current management company and move to a place of my own?

Money saved to go to part time care? Safeway delivers for between $4-$10 and that done twice a month is nothing. For $79-/year I can get the pet food delivered at no extra charge. And so forth. To have the flat cleaned professionally twice a month and the same with my laundry - all comes to beyond reasonable. So my biggest needs remain doctor visits and help getting around.

I wonder what to do next...oh. Besides making sure I take my medications and eat my yogurt. I'm only several hours late. My memory fails when it comes to care of my self. I could really use some help in the interim. Anyway. The pets are okay. I wish I was.