Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Filed under: pain

Oxymoronics? And intervening. Etc.

1. The more I miss Shawn the more I also recognize I'm happier than I've been in a while.

2. Or is it the happier I feel the more I miss Shawn?

3. Will and I had a really good discussion tonight and it ended up with us acknowledging that if he's capable, he's possibly going to move back north in maybe as soon as two weeks to three weeks from now.

4. Tirhas at the SNF I just left spoke with me, semi-seriously, about adopting her 10-year-old niece back in Ethiopia. The mother has abandoned her to the father, or in realistic terms, Tirhas' parents, the girl's grandparents. I'd seriously consider it because other than my disability I would make a wonderful mommy. And yet it's a pipe dream, I'm sure. Though I know that Tirhas' family would definitely help out with babysitting and heck I'd go back to getting loads of free veggie Ethiopian food. ;-)

5. Should I move into a one-bedroom and pay somebody to come in for a specific hourly wage? How oxymoronic is it that even Will thinks it will save me money to do either that or maybe move to a one story two-bedroom where the other person pays rent? But I don't know. I'm considering searching what Cedar Properties has opening up in June.

Chip called about TAM and that was fun, babbling at him. And I'm sad that my Project Open Hand dinner tonight looked and tasted like dog food. Vegetarian dog food, maybe, but still...beyond gross. Usually it's not that bad. But tonight? Yuck!

I've been slowly watching the show "Intervention" and it's only this season (4) where I'm capable of relating. Because they're showing how fucked up these families are that helped create these situations. Telling your tomboy obviously lesbian daughter she's going to hell while you're an adulterer? Beating your kids and abandoning them when you're ready to move on? Sending them into the military where they end up killing people in Iraq and come back with huge survivor guilt? Or how about the family ignoring the invisible illness causing serious pain and calling the person an addict and cutting them from all the meaningful family events? That one they even brought in a doctor to "chastise" the family for that shit. Wish they'd done that for me...

I Can't Take Much More Of This

I _JUST_ found out that I'm not able to get to go to PT Rehab today, after all and once again. To call this devastating actually seems a bit of an understatement. It's not merely the pain. It's not merely the isolation. There are so many layers and levels as to why this has me mentally curved into a foetus position though I can't physically do so. Or I would.

This keeps happening and I'm so in need of my babies right now. Having all of these illnesses rolling on top of one another and not having the love and care to help sustain me at times like these just seems to make it feel even worse.

The red rash on the inside crease of my elbow appears to have been a fungal infection of the candida variety. At least it got caught in time so that though I've a few "dents" in my skin, most of it has cleared up. That's not shockingly upsetting since it's merely more physical evidence of how sick my body is as a whole.

There's a million things more but I'm far too sick to try and continue. Suffice to say that if you know me and know how and where to find me, please do. I'm in deep need of help. Emotional especially. My teeth are about to fall out of my head and I can barely handle sitting up and I seriously keep thinking I've reached the end of my proverbial rope only to find out that there's a little bit further I can fall.

About to overtly beg for visitors but there's very little reason to. Off to try for exhausted or maybe exhausting distraction. Need to call home and ask Will to bring a few things anyway...

Back In E.R. All Over Again

(download)

After not having the ability to get around without assistance or scream-inducing pain for over 24-hours I agreed with Will that calling an ambulance (since I couldn't even get up or down a step, never mind all the steps in our flat) and going to the hospital shouldn't be avoided any longer.

So the ambulance came after a short wait, because we told them it was a "tier two" emergency versus a regular 911 emergency. So Will assisted me in preparing for their arrival. Just brought my Kindle Keyboard for reading, my Kindle Fire for watching movies, and my phone for everything else. The pain is fairly horrible and I'm by myself here in E.R. hearing bizarre sounds from other areas and hoping to find out soon if they're planning on keeping me overnight.

Though unless they manage to ease the pain there's a feeling of terror overwhelming me. Luckily I discussed it with the doctor and nurse treating me and I'm being treated with morphine and they're trying to get my back to a place where they can send me home, though I've got to keep a better outlook or else there's no good even the morphine and maybe extra muscle relaxants can do. I've got to allow for what they're going to try but I'm in so much pain it's destroying my fleeting feelings of stress.

Luckily Will's at home with my sweetlings and if they do send me home at any point he's great with the Prius and so long as he doesn't need to carry me he should be able to assist me as I need it. He's longing to move back to Portlandia so I've got a non-relationship parallel to my situation with Al when he missed Boston. Really get along great but their hearts belong to a different city.

The pain is not letting up so I'm going to end this and post. I'm currently at Alta Bates for an inability to walk due to lower back pain from some unknown cause for over 24-hours. If they can get the pain eased up I'll head home at that point. If not, I'm here for a bit. Hugs welcome!