Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Filed under: rants

Oxymoronics? And intervening. Etc.

1. The more I miss Shawn the more I also recognize I'm happier than I've been in a while.

2. Or is it the happier I feel the more I miss Shawn?

3. Will and I had a really good discussion tonight and it ended up with us acknowledging that if he's capable, he's possibly going to move back north in maybe as soon as two weeks to three weeks from now.

4. Tirhas at the SNF I just left spoke with me, semi-seriously, about adopting her 10-year-old niece back in Ethiopia. The mother has abandoned her to the father, or in realistic terms, Tirhas' parents, the girl's grandparents. I'd seriously consider it because other than my disability I would make a wonderful mommy. And yet it's a pipe dream, I'm sure. Though I know that Tirhas' family would definitely help out with babysitting and heck I'd go back to getting loads of free veggie Ethiopian food. ;-)

5. Should I move into a one-bedroom and pay somebody to come in for a specific hourly wage? How oxymoronic is it that even Will thinks it will save me money to do either that or maybe move to a one story two-bedroom where the other person pays rent? But I don't know. I'm considering searching what Cedar Properties has opening up in June.

Chip called about TAM and that was fun, babbling at him. And I'm sad that my Project Open Hand dinner tonight looked and tasted like dog food. Vegetarian dog food, maybe, but still...beyond gross. Usually it's not that bad. But tonight? Yuck!

I've been slowly watching the show "Intervention" and it's only this season (4) where I'm capable of relating. Because they're showing how fucked up these families are that helped create these situations. Telling your tomboy obviously lesbian daughter she's going to hell while you're an adulterer? Beating your kids and abandoning them when you're ready to move on? Sending them into the military where they end up killing people in Iraq and come back with huge survivor guilt? Or how about the family ignoring the invisible illness causing serious pain and calling the person an addict and cutting them from all the meaningful family events? That one they even brought in a doctor to "chastise" the family for that shit. Wish they'd done that for me...

This rant needed to be ranted:

I just wanted to write that I'm very glad that people think of me enough to lend me the books they lend me, but I have to let you know that I have no interest in them.

To me it is the same as reading a book on Creationism written by a "Creationist Expert" and while there's nothing wrong with it, I just have no interest.

Telling me that the car accident was my desire (or Kathy's or Delia's) or that my Fibromyalgia is all in my head is just insulting to me and I believe better of people (or want to) than that.

If you're a person who truly believes that when my roommate and new friend died because one of them fell asleep for a split second that it was our will/desire to have what happened happen (and I'm not saying you do, but I've had people say this to me in the past fifteen years) it makes me just as ill now as it did then.

My friends and family have my love and my true and honest desire for them to be happy. But all of you (!) please stop pressing your beliefs on me. Your systems do not work for me and I do not believe in them. I am glad that some of you have found love and somebody to share your interests with. I am also glad that some of you feel healthy and at peace. But what works for you will most likely not work for me.

Please understand that I mean no disrespect. However I feel quite disrespected by people ignoring the gentle hints and things I've said enough to lend me a book that makes me so angry and nauseous I can't fall asleep. It actually caused a full fledged panic attack because of how angry it makes me that anybody would ever say that Delia and Kathy (and my other friends who have died due to random chance) wanted to do so. They didn't. They were young and full of life and full of love and they damn well deserved a better end and later end than they got.

So my husband is falling asleep beside me while we both wait for the two Ativan to make their way through my system enough for me to stop fixating on the book that is downstairs, sitting on the counter. Not wanted. Not asked for. In fact, asked to please let me ignore it with it's pseudo-science and lack of actual physics knowledge.

Nobody deserves to be gang raped as a young child. Nobody deserves to be molested and then raped as a child. Nobody deserves to fall asleep in a car only to either be one of the two dead or the last survivor having the scent of dirt and blood in their nostrils fifteen years later because of a book on a table. Just leave it be. Leave me be. And I will do my damnedest to leave you and your (to me) psychotic wish dreams of a world with meaning and faith alone. Because in my eyes you're just delusional and I'm alone and awake with this knowledge. It doesn't make me happier. But it makes me at least feel in touch with reality.