There Isn't Any Point
There's no more room for both my attempts at maintaining my reality in a healthy manner. I can only regress into sorrow in an attempt not to fall into panic attack non stop.
Don't fear what can and often will take over from what you thought would bring joy and delight.
If I would pay you $5K USD to put me to sleep forever - anesthetize me safely, without pain or fear, in order to take me away forever from this pain, could you do it? Knowing you had my wish, my family's, my ex-husband's, my therapist, and so forth...could you set me free at my request? Money as added incentive to do it safely and in no way to hurt me.
The money, the proof of those in support of this path to ease any fear of wrong doing you might have. If it could happen tonight, believe me, I would do everything in my power to cause it to occur.
Affection in the form of salted nutty chocolates, ice cream, and sitting up to hold me while I cry as the night continues on as the need for warm hugs support also continues on.
