Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

When Does The Pain Ease Up?

Seriously.

To say pain like this stems out of nowhere at this stage just means you don't care or you haven't been listening. Or both.

For a long time there's been a part of me that blames myself for the crappy behavior of people who come on like gangbusters and say how much they want to hang out with me only to never even get a freaking response no matter how communication takes place.

No more. You can't handle my disabilities? Fuck you. Fuck off for that matter. I'm depressed all the time? I bitch out loud about the pain levels? I cry too much? Rather than hide my situation I actually bring it up and discuss it? Not always, mind you. When it's particularly horrible or I'm scared or I just can't handle hitting rock bottom there's a part of you that doesn't really get it.

If you did? You would wrap me in your arms like I was your very own gift of amity. Friendship and love and care and compassion all wrapped up and in your arms.

That's truly where I feel like I am - heading toward rock bottom. Death would offer surcease and escape. I'd take the shot or pill or whatever painless method I could use that wouldn't hurt. Because of Diane and Rachel sometimes the Golden Gate Bridge seems like their paths I should follow. But it's too frightening.

What if I can't buy a house? There's HomePath and I'm uncertain about Oakland's CityLift program but HomePath mortgage doesn't have PMI. And there's hope for me, what with being below their poverty level income-wise. Yes, I'm reapplying for disability and I should have had a lawyer for my divorce but I'm trying to not let any of this destroy my health any more. The stress alone could trap me here for days. Walking to Gross Out, then over shopping, then having a very painful balancing act on the long walk home. Shin splints floating and lower lumber pain reminiscent of last years back destruction.

Ouch.

Now to read a bit more before bed. There's room in my life for people unafraid of the current downward spiral. I've been up and drama free before. It can happen again at the slightest change for the better. I'd like that.