You Can Hide For Only So Long Before...pftui...
Don't have anybody I feel close enough to share what I'm struggling with, mentally. Friends, acquaintances, pen pals, sure. But a person for me to just say "Come over and hold me for an hour or two, please? Just mutual care, comfort, and company. I write "just" when it's much more than that.
The light as the sun drops slowly is mesmerizing as it's the perfect golden light - it appears as though somebody set up a perfect lighting rig the way it's all reflected so perfectly that it appears fake. I took a minute to imagine a model out there for me to shoot in this perfect light.
Tears, dammit. Again the damned tears. I'm dehydrated yet my body still can shed the damned salt water from my eyes. The constant pain helps rather than hinders that. I feel beyond help at such moments. There's much to think of. Most of it far too overwhelming for me to pick my way through and organize.
There's one good thing: I'm paying off a few debts, catching all my doctors up, and making sure to have a month of rent in savings in order to move my way forward in my hope to have Stanford's Pain Clinic take me on and in as a patient. A second good thing is my new caregiver moves in June 4th. A third is vaccine catching up for all four pets. I have so many bad, but figuring out the good, no matter how small, is quite an effort. Especially when the pain seems to rule over everything else.
The cold night wind has started to pick up. The knife of pain hits my shoulders as it teases by cutting into my spine and shoulder blades. So lucky.